Life...over?

[Baysmum]

I know I should be grateful for what Ive got - Ds, dh, health etc BUT in a very short space of time Ive gone from being a single girl about town to a married mum (surprise pregnancy, rushed wedding) AND we've moved to the country. Does anyone else feel like their life is over? I've turned into my parents almost overnight, spend every evening watching mindless TV then get up and do it all again the next day!! Someone give me a kick up the arse and stop me being so pathetic PLEASE!

[buktus]

i dont feel its over just moved on - i love being a mum even though i do the same watch tv of an evening and then get up and do it all again, i wouldnt cahnge it for the world - i think as long as we are healthy and happy everything else doesnt matter so much, what if you joined a playgroup or could meet some more mums in your area that might help

[Baysmum]

yes trying to meet other mums but it is quite a slow proces - still at the 'how old is yours' stage - and a bit stuck there. havent got much to say to them really - or thats what it feels like and all the time my ds is getting bigger and bigger and I feel like Im missing out on enjoying it or at least sharing it

[buktus]

how old is ds by the way

[Baysmum]

nearly 16 mnths

[Baysmum]

V difficult to go out to p&t gps as ds sleeps all morning and if I keep him awake he is sooo grumpy. He is v clingy anyway due (according to hv) to us having such an exlusive relationship (!) and not mixing enough with others o feel v guilty but am tring to meet others - god wd love to! I do send him to nursery 2 afternoons per week when he screams the place down and I feel guilty and dont really know what to do with my spare time anyway. Trying to find pt work as that might help?x

[rebelmum1]

Hello Baysmum, I was pregnant within 3 months of meeting dp, lived in a city and worked full-time and studied. We moved to country and had baby and I gave up work for a year, so I know quite exactly your feeling! We didn't rush a marriage though. We moved to a really rural location, our nearest neighbours are 2 miles away. I'm back at work now, go to a mother toddler group and see friends but rarely go out these days.

[rebelmum1]

On the nursery front, your ds might be better with a childminder, if he's really clingy he'll get more cuddles and its more of a nurturing, environment (if its the right one). I started my dd with a local childminder for that reason.

[rebelmum1]

I have friends with kids but I despair that so few of them are keen for a night in/out, the moment I'm asked over for dinner with dd I jump at the chance and have her travel cot packed and bottle of wine before you can say babywipes. We have a local but i'm not very keen, they get slaughtered and just aren't on my wavelength.

[rebelmum1]

we're about to move to a small village hamlet with neighbours - yipee -i'll talk to anyone these days

[Baysmum]

I know what you mean - I'll watch Lorraine Kelly for company - ohgod - I honestly used to be a real person with a real life and friends and a job - not someone skulking round the edges!!! Rebel you sound like you had more extreme circumstances than me, we dont exactly live in the middle of nowhere - its just not London (and yes I know how rubbish that sounds but once you've lived there, its hard to adjust to other places)!

[Mellowma]

Message withdrawn

[Notquitesotiredmum]

Just to add a note of moral support. I did the moving house to new area, getting married and pregnant all in one go too - and felt exactly as you do. Some people find it easy to meet other mums at babygroups, and have kiddies who settle into nursery quickly and easily, and then there are the rest of us . . .

I found it helpful to:
a) join a gym. I'm not very keen on exercise but it got me out in the evenings occasionally. I felt grown up, they don't talk about babies and they never show Telly Tubbies on the tellies!

b) join a book group (had to start one in the end.) Good for rediscovering brain cells and a good excuse to drink wine once a month.

c)go back to work part-time.

They are starting points. You do need to make some you time for yourself - it's vital - and ask yourself what you enjoy doing. You will enjoy life again. They are not so dependent for ever. Honest.

[CURSEOFTHElazyMUMMY]

We moved from London to the country three years ago. My ds was 18 months when we moved and prior to our moving I had been working full-time and dh was a SAHD. When we moved dh went back to work full-time and I stayed at home. The first few months out of London were so depressing, I felt miserable, missed my friends, the shops, the restaurants, the culture, the bars, the scene, all of that stuff. It took a year of settling in to the new community and eventually getting a part-time job to make me feel like me again. Once I started work, things really picked up. I met new people who were luckily on the same wavelength as me and I started to rediscover a social life of sorts.

Life after children is never going to be the same as it was before. You just need to find a new groove iykwim. You'll find your "groove" as your ds gets older, as you start to feel more established in your new environment and perhaps if you find a part time job or some other interest outside of home.

I would recommend hanging on in there. Do you live near any cities. I was lucky that we moved to a rural area in the South Pennines which is between Manchester and Leeds so when I needed a City "fix", I could just jump on a train and be in town in 40 minutes. I still do it now but the difference is I love coming home to my "valley".

Even on flying visits to London I can't wait to get back to the countryside and I never thought I would find myself saying that.

Sorry to crap on about my situation I just want to let you know that given time things can and do change.

Chin up.

[rebelmum1]

Imagine my local, they do actually ask you if you pluck !! The correct answer is that you prefer 'oven ready' .. I hold really radical ideas so I had to be very quiet when I met people..

[rebelmum1]

It didn't last and I managed to upset the entire close nit community .. I'm now moving to a new community to upset them ha ha

[rebelmum1]

I think it's harder to make friends as you get older, I struggle to find like minded souls. My mother toddler group was in a city and that was a superb support network and kept me sane. It felt like a port in a storm at times.

[Baysmum]

Thanks for msgs it does help to know Im not the only one who has felt this way. I just think that with ds at nearly 16 mnths I would be back in the swing of things already thogh admittedly moving has set me back a bit. I'm seriously considering going back to London (with or without dh who is so happy to be near the surf now). How long do I give it before I can legitimately say 'Ihate it here'??

[CURSEOFTHElazyMUMMY]

How long have you been there?

[rebelmum1]

Oh hon sounds like you've made your mind up. Have you tried to find afternoon toddler groups? Is there another town close by you, or another area with better facilities, groups, events? I found 16-24 months tough actually. I really felt I turned a corner and I was getting my life back on an even keel when my dd hit two. Much easier in terms of talking, communicating, what you can enjoy together, activities etc. You have much much more fun. My dd was so frustrated before she could walk properly and talk, I was run ragged and found it a difficult phase.

[rebelmum1]

Do you think there's more than one issue here?

[rebelmum1]

Is your relationship ok?

[Baysmum]

Well we've been here just over 6 months now which i know isnt long but feels like it. I went through a mad phase of going to lots of groups but have been feeling a bit diheartened lately. My relationship is OK, dh is a really kind, chilled out soul who is brilliant with ds but not so great at communicating with me over emotional issues and not really --- fun - quite serious bless him. I am v scoiable and enjoy being with others and chatting, having a laugh etc. Used to be a teacher with fantastic colleagues and obviously surrounded by people all day long. As for other issues, have struggled with depression in past but thought I'd beaten it and am reluctant to think it is rearing ugly head again. Doesnt feel like vefore- though nothing feels like it did before, feel like I have got lost - the amazing invisible woman!!

[rebelmum1]

You definitely need to lift your spirits, is there a gym close by you can use? One of my saviours was a gym with a creche so I could go and chill for a bit and exercise really helps lift your mood. If you are on the coast get those endorphins in you, get on the beach do a good walk. Read a good book. Find time for yourself, is there a nightclass you can do? There's always st johns wort, to help lift you too.

[rebelmum1]

Take it easy, don't make rash decisions - Chaps aren't too good on the emotional stuff, that's why you need female chums. My dp is really baffled when i'm emotional and it scares him, he asked me if i could communicate more calmly and rationally as he didn't undertstand ..

[rebelmum1]

is there an inbetween place you could move too that would allow you to go back and visit london more often? We're moving to a village now, in the same area but a) I have neighbours with kids and b) closer to decent facilities c) can go to a city when i want to - have to dash thoughts with you