Some bitch has told dss that my dp is living here (he's not) and I dont know what we can do

[pesha]

Had interview at job centre today and because of this I now have 3 weeks to discuss with dp whether he moves in or not, if he does no problems, if he doesnt they leave it but if whoever makes another complaint then they'll start surveillance and if they feel he's staying here too much even if hes not living here then they can stop my money.
We've known each other for just over 4 yrs and our son is 3 but he had what was pretty much a breakdown (cant think of any other way to describe it) and cheated on me with 2 people over nearly a 2 yr period and also got himself deeply in debt and our relationship was obviously very much on and off. We finally got back together around march this year and things have been getting much better but we're still working on it, building things up slowly. And im 15 wks pregnant. We talked bout him moving in but what with the way things are and finances and my horrendous ms meaning it be very hard for me to get a job now we decided we'd wait. I was going to start an open university course in jan and planning on doing more so that when i do go back to work i can get a better paid job as at the moment i have next to no qualifications and only experience of waitressing and telesales.
Both my last pregnancys were ruined by AND and then PND and i so wanted this one to go right with no major stresses and problems and id actually thought that it might.
So ive worked out our money and if he moved in and i didnt work once we've paid all our bills and debts we'd have ?7 a month to pay for food clothes etc and get ?237 a yr child tax credit no working tax credit. So if i did work id have to earn enough after tax to pay for food clothes entertainment and to save up for extras like bdays xmas and emergencies for 2 adults and 2 children, despite having ms as bad as with my dd and with her i was signed off work sick for all but about 3 months of my pg and id have to work fo 26 wks to qualify for maternity allowance which then would prob not be enough to live off. Plus I'd lose free milk and prescriptions and dentists costs and would no longer get maternity grant which im counting on.
Or he doesnt move in and he limits coming round to 2 nights a week, just when he's really starting to build up good bonds with dcs and even then i have my suspicions who has said this and i think she'll still go and say something if she sees us together even once so then we're in shit again.
I know there are gonna be people who think i deserve this and im living off their taxes while they work hard but this isnt how i planned my life and this isnt how i planned it to stay its just how its worked out I was planning my way out of it i wanted to do these courses and get myself a career so we wouldnt have to be shit poor for ever.
And now im left with he moves in and i forget everything i wanted and we struggle to make our relationship work under the added of pressure of no money and this baby becoming a problem rather than a good thing or we pretty much break up.
Im sorry this is so long and i dont really know what anyone can say but i needed to get it out i was so angry that someone would do this for no reason at all cos there is noone ive fallen out with and now im just really upset cos i dont know what to do and feels like everything is falling apart and i so wanted this to be a happy pregnancy

[NothingButAttitudeOnMN]

It is a difficult one because if I am totally honest half of me agrees with whoever shopped you, I mean why should everyone else pay 2 lots of benefits (housing benefit, council tax etc) when actually 2 people could be under one roof halfing the benefit that is paid.

However from what you have said your circs are pretty difficult its not as if you are doing this with the intent to just sit on your arse and do nothing, you want to be somewhere in life and loosing that couple of extra £ a week could mean you have to forget all that not to mention the trauma you have had with your relationships and the PND.

Their is NO simple answer to this, you have to decide what you want most, a live in partner or an official live out one and the possibility of a future career. He can stay for 3 nights a week and their is nothing to stop you staying with him for a few nights a week.

I personally would think of the future and go for the live out option, sorry if this has not been what you want to hear. Oh and I don't think calling whoever it was a bitch will help the situation at all and was a bit uncalled for. I'm off to bed now but I shall check in tomorrow.

[ScareyCaligulaCorday]

I think realistically it sounds like he can't possibly move in with you unless he gets a job. You can't live on £7 a week.

What does ms stand for in this post?

[hairymclary]

pesha, if you can't work because of MS then you must be entitled to disability allowance surely?
If your combined income is really going to be that low then you must also be entitled to income support and housing benefit?

[LIZS]

Can we clarify whether ms is morning sickness or multiple sclerosis in this context ?

tbh if you want this relationship on a more permanent basis you may have to compromise on finances. You personally may be worse off but will you really be collectively ? What about his income in all this ? Surely that could contribute to your joint household, especially if you don't have 2 properties, travel between etc to allow for. Plus you'd have stronger support at home.

[pesha]

Sorry took ages writing last post, keep getting over emotional!
And sorry if ms seemed to imply multiple sclerosis, i never meant to suggest that im just used to writing ms on ante natal thread so didnt think about it.

His wages plus maintenance for dd plus child benefit minus all our combined debts and bills, rent, insurances etc for my house would leave £7 a month. So if i get a job my money would be on top of this and pay for day to day costs such as food, and well everything else. But i have 2 gcse's and 1 a level to my name (all i took, problem teen!) and very little work experience other than what i said and im pg which puts employers off and i would really struggle wuth sickness altho that will hopefully improve. But then maternity allowance will only be 90% of my average earnings if i manage to get 26 weeks work in in the next ah only 25 wks left til baby due so no maternity allowance then.

[kid]

How often does he stay overnight with you at the moment?

[hairymclary]

ahh sorry i thought you meant multiple sclerosis.

I would continue with him living OUT until he has paid his debts off. that way when he moves in you'll have enough money to live on.

[pesha]

Kid it varies depending on what shift he's on but prob averages out around 3 or 4 nights. The problem is theres no law about how many nights someone can stay round so if this woman complains again which im sure she will and they investigate they dont just look at how often he is here but how serious our relationship is and as we have 1 child and another on the way i think thats fairly serious and i think they can just decide that he should move in and stop my money. the guy at the interview was saying well ive decided to keep the baby when obviously i had options so that shows its a serious relationship!

[Piffle]

The staff in benefits offices often assume the worst in order to keep people from claiming when they are not fully entitled.
On paper I agree with the DSS tbh, however personally, if he is bringing no monetary support into the house then I fail to see how on earth even 7 nights week stops you from being entitled.
Given the precarious nature of your relationship I'd def keep him at arms length for sometime, if you have to depend on him at some point, you need to be fully sure he is able to be that for you.
Be honest with the DSS, tell them you love him, but cannot trust him properly, that the pregnancy was unplanned, you love him therefore abortion was not an option, despite the hardships it brought.
You fully intend in the future if things go ok throughout your pregnancy to move in with him at a later date, but that you can not afford to live together atm.
He is not supporting you and to cut off your benefits would cause you and your kids enormous hardship.

[kid]

I think its 3 nights per week he is allowed to stay. If you can stick to this, then let them set up surveilance, you will be doing nothing wrong.
Once he has cleared his debts, then you can reconsider moving in together hopefully without having to worry about your income.
Do you know how long it is going to take him to clear his debts?

[kid]

I think its 3 nights per week he is allowed to stay. If you can stick to this, then let them set up surveilance, you will be doing nothing wrong.
Once he has cleared his debts, then you can reconsider moving in together hopefully without having to worry about your income.
Do you know how long it is going to take him to clear his debts?

[kid]

opps, pressed post twice!

[Toothyboy]

The 3 nights a week thing is actually a myth. They try to establish where his main place of residence is. Where are most of his possessions, where does his post go, where is his car registered, what does his employer hold as his address, that sort of thing.

[kid]

I thought he would be allowed to stay for up to 3 nights a week and it wouldn't affect any benefits. I agree that the address he is registered to would tell them alot more about where he lives.

[Schhh]

pesha
keep your nerve.
You have the right to dither, be undecided, live apart, maintain a relationship, spend some nights together...even though you are on benefits.

Get the benefit office to tell you clearly how many nights a week he is allowed, make sure he doesnt overstay, and invite them to put you under surveillance.
If you cant afford to move in together yet, then dont put yourself at risk by him spending too many nights at your place. If you know you're in the clear, then you can afford to tell the benefit fraud people where to get off.

[pesha]

Thank you for all your replies, i stopped posting last night because dp came round after work to talk about it. Im now worrying about him too as he feels its all his fault for not being able to support us and although i guess that is true to an extent its something thats happened now he's doing everything he can to put things right and him getting depressed and feeling like he's no good for us is the last thing i need, we've been through all that before.

from what the guy at the interview was saying if they have another complaint they start surveillance and then they move on to investigate where car, bank details etc are registered which is fine as its all at his house. But he was also talking about how serious our relationship is and that that is a major factor in whether they decide we should be living together and the fact that we have a child and another on the way makes it look pretty serious in their eyes. so if he's round say 3 nights a week and we're in a serious loving committed relationship they may well conclude we should be living together. benefits take no notice of what debts you have, just what income. And there is no rule as to how mant nights he can stay its all down to them to decide and i dont know if its ok for him to come round most days but not stay at night or not cos that presumably could look just as bad in their eyes. So we dont know what we can do but as i mentioned in my 1st post i have a history of AND and PND, with both previous pregnancies ive been tachycardic (sp?) and had palpitations and in my last pg i spent 3 days in hospital undergoing tests because of this before they concluded it was stress so i really dont want things to get to the stage where we're being investigated.
So as far as i can see our only option is to cut it right back so he comes round sundays and one day in the week. Which is gonna put its own strain on things.

Sorry this is such a long post again just need to get it all out and cant let dp know how much this upsetting me cos thats just gonna make him feel worse. And if im honest i dont actually ever like letting anyone know how upset i am about things!

[7up]

hi, regardless of whether youre on benefits or not you shouldnt be forced tolive someone that youre unsure about at the moment. i find itquite shocking that benefits are talking to you like this but then i spose it doesnt surprise me really.

id do what piffle says and talk to them again from the bottom of your heart.

what would happen if he moved in forcefully then it all went wrong and he moved out, and the relationship couldnt get back on track again. makes me. could say plenty more but id probably have posters jumping on me!

good luck,hope it all sorts out for especially at this timeof year

[pesha]

Thanks 7up. i did try and tell him that was the way our relationship was going we are working towards moving in together but we're taking it slowly and with 2 kids i dont wanna move him in and then it doesnt work and he moves out cos they dont need that and with the baby coming it puts alot more pressure on and i want to wait til we're sure but he really didnt seem bothered. i suppose while its not my money im living off i dont have the right to take things slowly.

But i will try and talk tothem more and explain our decision but i think if this person makes another complaint then everything i've said goes out the window and they make their own decision whats right for us.

[7up]

put a mask on and go and egg her house tonight

[pesha]

Am very tempted

Half expecting her to come trick or treating tonight, dp said earlier she prob wont talk to me again but im sure she will, she'll want to find out whats happened. And i im pretty sure if i ask if it was her she'll admit it, she's so full of herself and her own opinions and so convinced that everything she does and says is perfect and the only way to be she wont be able to help herself. I expect she's feeling pretty pleased with herself.

[pesha]

Well if she did go trick or treating she didnt come to me! Dont know if im relieved or disappointed! Hormones are raging at the mo and i need to have it out with whoever it is cos everything i want to say is going round my head constantly but then if i do get the chance id probably get so worked up i wouldnt be able to get anything of any sense out and would probably burst into tears!! That or just spontaneously combust!

I have never been in a situation like this before, when it comes to 'school mums' i keep myself to myself, i chat enough to be friendly but i dont get too involved, i avoid all bitching and generally just look for a quiet life. Ive never had any sort of confrontation or fall out with anyone which is why im so

[NothingButAttitudeOnMN]

Being angry at the woman will not help and actually the fact she doesn't know your situation is probably what made her report you, all she sees is someone whos partner is earning a good living, staying round at yours all the time but "officially" living somewhere else so that you can claim benefits. She doesn't know that he has debts coming out of his ears and any change would cause serious hardship. Unfortunately there are scumbags out there who do rip the benefits agency off so obviously the DSS will act on these reports.

Firstly the DSS can not decide whether or not your relationship is serious enough or not to live under 1 roof, he was probably saying that to try and make you give in, ignore it its bollox. Their did use to be a 3 night rule because the CSA still use it to decide who has the right to make a maintenance claim in joint custody (and CB payments).
Remain calm when speaking with the DSS again and if they become agressive with you advise them that you are contacting Citizens advice to see what they have to say because you have done evrything they have asked of you and now you are begining to feel harrassed and pressurised.

[HappyMumof2]

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