I just cannot motivate myself to do anything. I have had a very, very hard few years. Been through 2 years of therapy for childhood abuse (including sexual), my parents divorce (when aged 6) and subsequent NC with my father, rape (in early 20s, aged 43 now) and the trauma of my DD2's death at birth 14 years ago. My whole family cut me off amid this and a lot of terrible things were said, mainly due to me meeting my father again although I have decided not to have a relationship with him as he feels he did nothing wrong in abandoning his DC. The therapy was not the panacea I thought I thought it would be. In fact my anxiety and panic attacks are worse than before in that I don't even want to leave the house and I wish I had left the worms in the jar most days.
A few years back, we lost all our savings and our home due to a catastrophic financial nightmare when we emigrated abroad for a supposed new life. Came back with nothing but suitcases and have never managed to get back on track so money is a constant stress, especially as we rent and have to constantly live with the worry of being given notice to leave. I constantly beat myself up that if we hadn't moved abroad financially we would be doing very well now. It was my idea and dream, so I carry the guilt.
DH and I's relationship is pretty shit in that he blames me for not being able to 'sort myself out' and I blame him for his lack of support, especially through the stuff that came up during my therapy.
I should be studying or working but just cannot get out and do anything. All 4 DC are at school now (since September last year). Have applied for jobs and got an interview last week but was not successful. Not sure why not as feedback not given (have asked for some). Have decided that Uni is not for me as my brain just will not take in information and I am embarrassed that I can't get to grips with the work and the panic attacks that I have in lectures.
I get the DC to school, do housework (bare minimum but house always decent), cook every night, do the shopping, make sure DC clean and myself clean but I just cannot push myself to lose weight, get fit (get breathless just from doing the 5 min school run walk) and start living life again. Gym membership is unused, 
at self.
I don't fit the symptoms for depression and won't take meds anyway. It's my anxiety that makes me depressed. I am scared of everything so decide it's safer just to sit on my butt and just do the stuff I can't get out doing.
I dream of losing the baby weight I have carried around for 18 years and being the calm, intelligent, fun loving person I used to be.
I am mid 40's and need to get my arse in gear before it's too late and I end up a sad, fat hermit who's husband's left her (he is still very good looking and fit, I am a fat wreck) and who's DC think is a loser and pity. I am aware all the time of the example that I am setting my DC in achieving nothing with my life and constantly standing in the garden with the DC commenting 'mum's outside having a fag' 
.
Any miracle motivational tips anyone want to share out there?
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Mental health
Am I depressed or just a lazy caaahhhh?
BubbleGirl01 · 24/02/2015 13:31
Sheesh you've been through a lot 
Lazy is not the word, demotivated maybe but no wonder. Hopefully some wise mnetter will be along to help. You are being really harsh about yourself. 
BubbleGirl01 heavens above, you've been through a huge amount. You most definitely aren't a "lazy caaahhh".
What are the things that you think you need to change?
Knowing almost nothing about you (thus, apologies if I am very wrong) I'd imagine you would feel better about yourself, and your brain would probably feel clearer, if you took up exercise. Other things could then happen from there.
No real need for gym membership if you're not going - can you cancel it? You can always go back to the gym later on. Give yourself a year to get up to the point where going to the gym doesn't feel daunting. Small steps will get you there.
What really helped me take up exercise and stick to it, was documenting it, as a reward, every time I did anything. If you have access to a computer for Mumsnet, presumably you have access to some sort of spreadsheet program, either online in a Google account; or by having Excel or one of the free equivalents, locally on the computer. Date in the first column, what you did in the second column, distance in the third column, cumulative distance for the week in the 4th, time in the 5th, cumulative time for the week in the 6th, comments in the 7th. Then, go to town writing in everything you do that counts as exercise! Include the school run, walking to the shops, etc. Every time you manage to get in, say, more than an hour's walking a week (which should be possible if you're walking the kids to school a little more than 5 min each way), then colour that week in your spreadsheet a happy colour. It soon builds up - I love counting all the bright yellow stripes in my spreadsheet, and it gives me a boost when I'm feeling crap about myself. If I'm feeling down, I look at the spreadsheet, and get outside for 10 minutes - and come back in and document it! 
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