Anxiety

[suddenlycupishalffull]

Apologies for the long post! I have had CBT for post-natal anxiety twice (when both DC were babies) and counselling for an eating disorder & self-harm when I was a child. MH issues run from my Grandmother down and I'm desperate not to pass them on, but I don't feel my issues are resolved, or manageable at the moment, and I'm wondering what else I can try. I am a perfectionist & that has a big impact on how I feel as a parent & I'm working on that, but I'm starting to realise that I can't really handle any negative feelings, in myself or others, and I want help so I don't pass this on to DC (& to help me handle the normal low points of parenting without spiralling into anxiety). The trigger today was sitting down to watch a Disney film with DD (nearly 4) - it was the first time she'd seen it (I'd watched it beforehand to vet it so I knew what was coming) & I was literally sweating with worry that it was going to frighten her or that she'd ask questions about it that I'd not know how to answer (issues the film raises about death, relationships etc). It was an ordeal to hide my feelings (though I'm sure I did hide them) but it was only after when I realised that I felt wiped out did I start to reflect that perhaps that's quite an extreme reaction & I should probably seek some more help. I'm really trying with the CBT - my last counsellor told me that I need to push myself into social interaction (I avoid socialising due to low self-esteem and worrying I'm being judged or of things going wrong) and I do push myself every week, but I'm wondering if there's anything else I can try. Because of my background with MH I do feel like I've been through a lot of counselling already. My main concern - my only priority really - is that I'm not passing this onto my children or that I'm not failing them as a parent if my anxiety paralyses me or makes me handle things in a way that other parents wouldn't (ie being able to just sit & enjoy a film together), that is what I find most upsetting. I need to break the cycle & to not let my DC down. Can anyone suggest anything that might be worth a go?

[HPFA]

My mother passed her anxiety issues on to me and I am now trying to avoid doing the same thing to my daughter. So I hope you find something helpful in my experiences.
Firstly, just by being .aware of the issues you are helping your children. You will automatically not be saying the sort of damaging things that were said to me. (My mother was a loving parent in many ways but in retrospect I'm amazed at some of the things she would say).
I would say to myself every day (write it down everywhere): I cannot control what I feel, but I can control the movements of my mouth. Sometimes you may feel like you are acting a part but that's fine. So for instance, you couldn't help feeling anxious during the film But you could have something prepared for any difficult questions like: That's a tricky question. I'll need a minute to think about that one. Then you've got some time to think about it. You may not come up with what you feel is a brilliant answer even then - but it will certainly be fine.l had a line prepared for when I felt ready to explode - I would just say - "I'm going to give myself a timeout" and walk away if it was safe to do so. Apart from when your children are putting themselves in physical danger it's always possible to pause - you are obviously very intelligent and will always be able to do something reasonable if you give yourself time to think. I hope I don't come over as knowing all the answers - I've made plenty of mistakes but didn't want to depress you. But my daughter at ten is the most relaxed person I know - definitely not all down to me but I'm proud to have contributed. If you'd like to chat personally then I'd be happy to do that.

[suddenlycupishalffull]

Thank u so much for ur reply HPFA, it's so reassuring to know I'm not alone in this! DH says to me that just by being more aware than DM I am starting to break the cycle, but it's hard to believe that sometimes. I must remember that phrase about controlling what you say rather than feelings cos my feelings do really overwhelm me & that's when I panic, like watching the film my fear started to overwhelm me. Did you find CBT helped? Do you mind sharing an example of a trigger for you & how you handle it? (PM?) I'm so encouraged that you say your daughter is relaxed, that's what I wish for my DC, but I worry that cos I'm not like that at all, then I can't model it for them :(