can't see a way out of this hell

[pnutter]

My husband moved out today
this is following domestic abuse and violence
ive been self harming for weeks and I look disgusting
im alone with just dd and have no support
I can't see a way out of this hell
im off sick from work as I couldn't work due to anxiety depression panic attacks
medication doesnot seem to help
what can I do

[scurryfunge]

Hello, sorry you are feeling so low at the moment. I think you need to revisit your GP and tell them how you are feeling. Have you looked at the women's aid website? There is lots of good advice there. You maybe need to start establishing new lines of support. Maybe with people experiencing similar situations. No real ideas sorry but to you

[pnutter]

Thanks I have done all the social worker / gp / counselling route. Have a psych appointment in a couple of weeks.
I think I am mourning what could or should have been. Have taken a sleeping pill

[differentkindofpenguin]

Hi,

Sorry you are going through this.

There is not much I can say that will fix things, and I'm not great with words, but I will try anyway, someone with good advice will be along shortly. This site is full of insomniacs!

I was in your shoes a few years ago, although without a child. It's the pits. But I got through it, and so will you. Try not to feel bad about the self harm- it's a coping strategy, and is helping you through the pain. You will need to find better coping mechanism s, in time.

You need to find someone to help you. Do you have a CPN/ any contact with MH services, have they been helpful? Samaritans? A friend or relative?

In the meantime, keep talking to us. It does get better.

I'm thinking of you, and I'm up all night

[pnutter]

Thank you. I've not self harmed for a couple of days. I would so love to not wake up in the morning though. I know my dd needs me and I love her do much but I'm so tired of this pain.
I've been depressed before and kept going but this time feels so horrific I can't deal with it . I've taken a sleeping pill just to stop me thinking . Thank you for the messages and kindness

[LucyBabs]

pnutter I am so close to where you are now. I so wish I wouldn't wake up and that life continues without me but the reality is my dc would forever be devastated. It would continue the cycle. My DD is 6 and the most sensitive Mammys girl as I was. My Mam passed away over two yrs ago and I will never recover from it. I have to get well for my dc and ultimately me

[differentkindofpenguin]

There is a crisis team, but I am not sure how to get in touch with them. NHS 111 service should be able to get in touch with them for you. Don't suffer in your own.
Sounds like you need to see someone sooner than a couple of weeks.

[LucyBabs]

Sorry stupid phone! My dc are 6 and 3. How old is your DD?

One day at a time is what I keep telling myself!

for you x

[Carbonel]

Google crisis team for your county and hopefully you will find the number. They probably can't do much tonight except talk but then you will be able to see them tomorrow for more structured help

[differentkindofpenguin]

Hi nutter, come back and say hi. Hopefully things are looking better this morning for you

[pnutter]

Hi everyone and thank you all . I passed out with a sleeping pill. It's the only way sometimes. I have crisis team number might call them later . Lucy dd is 7. Sorry you are struggling too. I have a ds too who is 21.
I know it would destroy them to lose me I've just got very little hope for the future . It just seems black.
Trying to do a day at a time yes good plan. Today I'm taking dd out for brunch with her little friend. Then later walk to pet shop to see animals. Have you a plan for today Lucy?
Samaritans are pretty good for a rant too.
Thank you all for responding. I can't tell anyone in rl about all this except the professionals. .but they seem to have abandoned me now to get on with it . Lucy how are you ?

[differentkindofpenguin]

Hi nutter, I just woke up. How was your day?

[pnutter]

Day was ok . Spent with dd who is on school hols we got out of house. thanks for asking penguin

[ASAS]

Another day under your belt. Keep going. Breath in and out, in and out. We're here.

[LucyBabs]

Hi pnutter

I've been off line all day.

Today started off quite bad woke up and just felt so hopeless. I was thinking what's the point in getting up.
Sent the dc downstairs at 9, ds is just recently toilet trained but still wears
a pull up at night. He came up to me in bed at 11am saying he had a sore bum, I checked his pull up and ds was caked in poo My poor boy. He doesn't deserve to he treated so badly and by me his Mammy.

Its been a wake up call! I rang my gp later on and I'm seeing her tommorow.
Feel so ashamed and I need to sort my life out before it's too late

I just cried that is was pure

[pnutter]

Hi Lucy how are you ?
I've started off bad felt suicidal. Sent dd to holiday club For a break from me And some fun
I forced myself to go for a run. Ran round a lake. Got close to throwing myself in. Cried. Ran some more.
At home now and have called hr at work to say I really want to get back to work but they said please don't worry just get better so that was nice of them. I'm signed off another week then I have appt with psychiatrist and also at work with Occupational health. Exhausted now and want to get on and do things but can't get motivated.

[LucyBabs]

Oh pnutter that's awful for you but I'm so glad you didnt throw yourself in the lake x

I'm exhausted too mentally and physically. I wanted to lie down in the road today and just cry.

I've had to cut back on alcohol in the evenings i was drinking almost two bottles of wine a night. Now I've told myself only 2/3 glasses on a Saturday night!

My gp has increased my meds, i just wait for that to kick in. I'll hopefully have my date for therapy soon.

I hope you feel better soon pnutter
I'm still looking for the light at the end of the tunnel!

[pnutter]

Sorry for talking about suicidal thoughts..i just don't have anyone I can say it to in rl. The few people I do have contact with really get cross and i understand but unless I get these feelings out it builds up.
I take sertraline and lamotrigine has just been added . I'm doubting if the ads are actually helping at the moment as they keep increasing the dose and im getting worse not better.
What do you take Lucy ?
Drinking ..yes I drink most nights im really glad u are cutting down though that sounds a lot . I get depressed and impulsive when drunk so I try not to overdo it as I don't want to self harm again of possible.
Hope your dc ok. Do u have help with them ? Sorry can't remember if you are single or not. Dd has a bad cold so im trying to get her an early night tonight

[Carbonel]

How are you today pnutter? its ok to talk about feeling suicidal - I bet many people on here have been there and worse. One thing a poster said that really resonated with me is that they are urges which we have to fight every minute whilst not well. Trouble is the less well you are the harder it becomes. Do keep posting - it is hopefully a release for you and gives others a chance to see they are not alone and share mutual support

[differentkindofpenguin]

Hi nutter, how are things today?

You had much luck getting any help?

[pnutter]

Hi sorry it's so late just got into bed. I'm actually doing ok. Crisis team changed my meds last night. Today I went for coffee with a friend and for a jog with dd ! I'm really not too bad unbelievably! Thank you all for concern and kind messages I really appreciate it. Tomorrow my husband is coming to collect his belongings. I have yet to decide whether to go out or be at home.

[differentkindofpenguin]

Glad you had a good day love!
It's the little things that get you through the day.
Hope you get some closure when your ex gets his stuff