Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

1 2 3

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

Urgent. Suicidal impulses when starting treatment. When to tell someone?

63 replies

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 06:58

I've been here twice before but despite knowing you can make a full recovery I feel too "ill" to even think about the effort I know it takes to gett better without thinking about just sodding it all.

I live alone with DS, but would bever do anything with him in the house etc. I've been admitted to hospital once at 17 and once last year, both times for just being severely depressed/suicidal. I don't really know what to do or feel like reaching out yet. Unless you have the energy to fight for people to believe you when you tell them how you're feeling you just get fobbed off and my local mental health team are lovely but their crisis team just visit once a day and tell you you're doing fine etc which makes you feel more desperate, so I don't want to ring them.

OP posts:

Report

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 07:05

Forgot to namechange blush hmm

I just keep thinking the phrase "I wish I'd never existed". Doesn't help that being a single parent is bloody hard so I'm under a lot of pressure all day every day and DS is lovely bless him but full of beans and I feel on edge all day. It feels horrible and scary, because what kind of mother considers that. How can I have so much insight too and yet be here, in this position, AGAIN.

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 07:06

^ face fail. I've just re-started mirtazipine atm and feel totally out of it. Sorry for the typos.

OP posts:

Eastpoint · 15/02/2015 07:09

Really not sure what to put but want to make sure your post doesn't disappear so someone more helpful can see it.

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 07:11

I get quite bad derealization too which is sort of nice because you are cut off from everything but horrid because you can't control it and it can make you feel like your actions aren't real and you're living in a movie or something.

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 07:12

Thank you. I feel bad for even posting on here as a stranger in case it upsets anyone

OP posts:

HellKitty · 15/02/2015 07:15

Can you tell the crisis team how you feel and honestly when they call? Keep the Samartians number handy, they're used to dealing with calls and worries like you have and all the time in the world to listen to you. Maybe just hearing a voice at the end of a phone can help? Thinking of you. I've been there.

CallMeAntigone · 15/02/2015 07:16

I don't know what say but am here listening

forcookssake · 15/02/2015 07:18

Starting a new treatment can bring unwanted side effects - keep a log of how you're feeling and any physical odd symptoms and report back to your prescribing doctor. I know it's really tough to battle to find a remedy when you're not feeling at full-strength.
Your DS sounds lovely and you're doing your utmost to look after him and keep you both well.
One foot in front of the other, take each moment as it comes and hang in there

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 07:23

Thanks. Sorry to hear you've been in the same position Kitty. I find the samaritans makes me feel worse because they can't say much and I feel even more helpless IYSWIM?

I was discharged a year ago from the CMHT but they'll still have the records no doubt etc. Had a lot of CBT which stopped me self harming a few years back and I don't hate myself like I did. I'm quite well functioning even when I've been suicidal in the past which can make it harder to actually be believed. Especially with DS. All my energy has gone into him being well looked after lately.

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 07:32

A friend who came over yesterday said "but aren't you happy you're in your new place" (I moved a few months ago from a crappy 1 bed) and I just feel really guilty. I know depression doesn't care what you have or don't have etc but because of the stigma there still is I do get comments about it being a luxury to be a depressed single mother and that I don't have many reasons etc. I do try to ignore it but I do feel guilty for wasting what I have/not enjoying it like I'm "supposed to".

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 07:36

My CMHT is closed til Monday anyway.

OP posts:

forcookssake · 15/02/2015 07:42

I find it helpful to say to myself (or others, if needed) "I'm doing the best I can in this set of circumstances/with the tools I have available".
Crucially, you keep at it, keep going on (and posting here if it's helping).

MetroMonkey · 15/02/2015 07:50

Remember that, as you say, depression is the same as any other illness - it can't just be controlled or switched off so it's silly for someone to tell you that you don't have a reason to be depressed or that you should now be happy because you've moved. It's akin to telling someone that their diabetes should've improved because they live in a nicer house. Ignore comments like that in the same way you'd ignore someone telling you that the world is flat. People generally don't have an understanding of depression or how it feels.

In my opinion and I'm not an expert by any means (but have had many, many friends including myself suffer from mental health problems) - it can take a while to find an anti-depressant that is right for you but once you find one it can bring about a remarkable change. Have you had cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)? As all the research pointsnto CBT combined with medication being the most effective treatment. I promise you that you will not always feel like you do now!

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 07:57

Thank you

This one worked for me last year but I started taking it in hospital so it was much easier to cope. The side effects only lasted a week before.

I know that people's comments of that sort aren't true but everything is sticking to my back at the moment, rather than rolling off.

I'm taking it day by day but my day by day is still seriously intense because I live alone with a 4yo DS and I keep swinging between feeling so numb it's scary or so emotional I can't handle it. Last year I had more anxiety with it wheras this episode seems to be just depression. Not a panic attack in sight. I'm just exhausted.

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 07:58

I had a long course of CBT last year. If I had anything now I'd rather have someone I can talk to truthfully about everything. But the waiting list is 6-8 months!

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 15/02/2015 08:02

Well done OP for recognising that this is just a side effect and it will settle down. Nevertheless it is scary to be alone with your thoughts when they are telling you bad things.

Can I ask if ds goes to school? Do you have family nearby?

Do you have a job or any work experience?

Quitelikely · 15/02/2015 08:02

Oh and have you checked out your local mind office? I think they offer things that might help you

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 08:07

I'm waiting to study nursing in September. I volunteer at a homeless charity.
DS is off school as it's half term. If I was going to do anything I'd come up with an excuse for a babysitter. I'd never do anything with DS in the house/alone with me.

He starts school in Sep but is at a pre-school usually.

It's probably because I now have a little more energy but still feel very depressed which is making me suicidal. It wouldn't be the first time and everyone warns you about that period but it doesn't make it easier

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 08:15

I keep losing my cool with DS. That's making me feel worse than almost everything else. I feel like I can't cope. And there'll be weeks of getting better and I'll just get ill again anyway, maybe not for a year or five or ten. But that's not a nice thing to live with and I know I should be brave and its about how many time you get back up, rather than fall down etc but that counts for nothing when you feel this bad.

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 08:39

Offered to babysit a month ago for a friend so currently have two 4yos running around and I'm just sat here on the sofa trying to keep my eyes open and ignore everything racing through my mind atm

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 08:58

Torn between telling my DM later (she's popping over for a cup of tea and to see DS) or just keeping it to myself and seeing what happens.

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 09:02

Oops posted too soon, meant to add that I find it hard when people ask how I am with it all to actually be honest, because you don't want to hurt their feelings/worry them etc. But she knows all the history and we're close. I wish it was visible and physical and easy for someone to look at and just say you need 'x, y & z' to get better.

OP posts:

Eastpoint · 15/02/2015 09:07

Can you go to a playground with them? A bit of fresh air & natural light is a mood booster. It's hard to make yourself go out but they'll burn off more energy too.

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 09:12

Thanks. Her DM just messaged to say she could pick her up in half an hour anyway which works out well. I owed her as she looked after DS when I had a chest infection last month and I felt too guilty to cancel.

OP posts:

TheOrchardKeeper · 15/02/2015 09:43

Finally just me and DS. phew

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.