Regular netter struggling. need your opinions and advice.

[itstough]

Sorry but I've changed my name, not sure why really but I just feel more comfortable doing so.

I'm going to try and keep it as short as possible.
I had my baby 8 weeks ago. From being about 30 weeks pg, I started to suffer with panic attacks and anxiety which was triggered by me passing out a few weeks previous. After this I had a funny turn, panicked and called my MIL to come and stay until dh returned home.
Since then I have hated being on my own for fear of it happening again.

We moved in the summer to a new area and two months later the baby arrived.
My family are an hour away at the worst and dh's are over an hour away. I don't have any friends here yet and I don't know anyone else in the area.

I honestly thought that when I had the baby I would be free of the anxiety and the fear of passing out would go as I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. Needless to say it is still haunting me.
When dh started back at work after his paternity, I had a few bad moments and asked my mum to come and stop over to get me through the odd night here and there when dh wasn't here. When I have someone with me I feel fine, its being on my own that sends me off.
After a few visits from my mum, dh started to become slightly annoyed with the amount of time she was here. I explained why she was coming, we had a big talk and he said that he wanted me to face my fear and stay in on my own when he was at work. He felt that it wasn't helping me and not the kids either.
One particular night I fell to pieces and ended up calling my mum who brought my grandparent to stay for the night. When dh returned the next day he was furious that I'd just crumbled at the first hurdle and not tried. Again we had the whole problem out and he said under no terms was my family or anyone else to come and stay with me until I started to feel better and faced things on my own.
To a degree I can see his point and I will have to do it.
I have done it on 2 occasions since, not felt great doing it but have done it.
This week dh is away Monday to Friday and is quite away away. I managed last night but tonight I have crumbled in a big way. As we speak my mum is returning to my house after only leaving 3 and a half hours ago.
I begged my dh earlier in the evening on the phone to be ok with my mum staying but he was very angry and upset and said that if she stopped he wouldn't come home at all.

I've now come to a very bad point with the anxiety, to the extent that I'm becoming slightly nervous about going out unless I'm with someone and I can't think, talk or watch anything to do with hospitals as it makes me feel on edge.
I've spoke to my HV and seen my GP who have both been amazing and I have been refered for CBT which I start on the 2nd of next month. I have also done the Edinburgh test which came out at 11 but I know its not depression.

I dont know what to do now or where to go from here. Dh has made his stance. We did speak later on this eveing and he told me he loved me very much but is adament that things need to be done his way for me to get better.
I have tried to tell him that I don't think he understands how I feel totally, which he doesn't believe and that I just can't jump in at the deep end and do it all at once.
How do I go on about explaining this to him and what do I do for the next few days?
I really do not know how I'm going to go on. I also have to go away on Friday for a few days which I am dreading too.

If you've managed to read all this then thank you very much. I may not be back to the thread in the next few hours but will certainly come back later.

[itstough]

thanks CF

[mamamaaargh]

I'm sorry, itstough. I really don't have anything helpful to say - I just wanted you to know that I had read this and am thinking of you. Has H explained why he feels so strongly about things being done his way?

I'm glad you have such a helpful GP and HV and just hope that CBT can help you sort this out...

x

[ghosty]

itstough ... you poor thing

When you say '11' on the edinburgh scale I can't remember what '11' means ... ? And also, how do you know it isn't depression? And also, what is CBT? I am only asking so that I can try to understand a bit. I am no expert, but it sounds to me that you started with Ante Natal Depression and it has progressed Post Natally ... Rhubarb has a brilliant website about AND and PND ...
I suffered similarly from panic attacks when on my own with my PND ... My DH nearly lost his job as he pretty much missed 6 weeks of work after DS was born and then when he went back to work he had to drop everything on a regular basis due to my panicky ramblings on the phone .... it was very lucky he had such an understanding boss.

To be totally honest with you, I think your DH is not being fair to you. With PND and Anxiety it isn't physically possible to 'Just Get On With It" ... I remember having terrible conversations with my mother when I tried to explain to her that I didn't choose to feel this way and if I chose to be better I would be ....
You need much more understanding from your DH. He needs to read up on PND (if this is what you have) .... he needs to understand that it is an illness that needs sympathy and understanding and treatment.
Sending you many hugs and positive thoughts from NZ {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[ghosty]

And FWIW ... I think it is fantastic that you have such a wonderful mother who is doing everything she can to help out her child. If this is what you need for the time being then this is what you need to keep doing ... your DH needs to understand this.

[ghosty]

And also, sorry, keep thinking of other things to say.
My DH did try to 'snap me out of it' ... to no avail.

[foundintranslation]

ghosty - CBT is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. itstough, CBT is an excellent treatment which really helps you to gain control of your negative thoughts and fears - I'm glad you're able to start it so quickly.

itstough, I'm very sorry you're going through this, and I feel your dh is (tbh) being raher controlling. This going through with something you fear - psychologists call it exposure - is a way of dealing with fear (and may come up as a technique you can use at some point in CBT) but no way should your dh attempt to do it to you in this uncontrolled way and against your will. You are absolutely right that you 'can't just jump in at the deep end and do it all at once'. (My dh is a psychologist and I myself have suffered from anxiety so I do know what I am talking about). I am very sorry that your dh is throwing his weight around and making these threats, but I really do believe it is important for you to get the support you need at this stage. Do you really think he will actually leave if you do?

Where are you going on Friday? Is there anyone who can go with you/support you?

I wish I could say more, but I will say (without meaning it in a patronising way at all) very, very well done for your strength so far and for getting help.

[itstough]

thank you for your replies.
I felt shocking this morning when I woke. Quite ill tbh. Its probably the aftermath of last night.

I'm supposed to be going down south on Friday. If I say where it'll probably give me away as I've started a few threads about it and people have helped me with info and stuff. I'm going with 7 others and a family member.

I've spoked to my SIL who has offered to come and pick me up tonight and take me to my MILs to stay as my mum has to go back to work tomorrow and I just can't face being on my own again.

I'm waiting for dh to call me so I can tell him. I know hes going to be mad but atm I really have passed caring. If someone gave me the option of feeling like I did last night or having my dh mad at me I know which option I'd go for.

[Mumpbump]

When I read this, I was going to suggest going and staying with your Mum for a bit if your dh doesn't want her around so I think getting away with some friends is a good idea, regardless of what your dh thinks.

It sounds like you might need to address the problem with some sort of counselling as someone else has mentioned, but he is not being at all supportive by the sound of it. Whilst "confronting your fears" can, I guess work for some people, I'm not sure it's a good idea in this situation with a young baby in the house. I'd tell him that you really need his support in whatever you do at this moment in time, rather than him simply telling you what he thinks you should do...

[SoupDragon]

Where are you?? Would another MNer be able to meet up with you for coffee etc? I assume you've seen your GP about both depression, passing out and panic attacks?

[throckenholt]

I guess you just have to tell dh that is not something you can deal with rationally at the moment - you can't do it on your own and you need help - and you need his support and understanding.

He has to realise that you don't enjoy or want to be like this - it is not something you have control over at the moment.

Hope things improve soon.

[lulumama]

heloo - i had severe PND after DS - also anxiety...i had CBT which was wonderfully helpful, ADs - bit hit and miss but eventually found one that worked.
depression & anxiety are often linked and when one lifts, often the other does too

i also found it hard to go out as it was too overwhelming

so i used to break down each journey into little stages

eg stage 1

baby in the car seat

stage 2

baby in the car

stage 3

me in the car, ready to go


etc..... so it didn't feel as bad....

glad your doctor is being supportive...mine got me in touch with the community psychiatric nurses who came round and helped me and my HV used to visit weekly to chat and see how i was doing...it makes all the difference

DH probably finds it hard to know what to do or say so ends up snapping.

you will get better. you are already doing positive things to help yourself...

[foundintranslation]

itstough, yes, it is very important right now that you prioritise your feelings about what you can cope with, and get the support you need. Where has your dh got the idea that he can more or less bully you out of your anxiety? FWIW my parents reacted in a very similar fashion when I suffered from OCD as a teenager, and it made everything a lot worse.

[piglit]

I might be speaking out of turn here but I do think your dh is being terribly unsupportive. He's away so he can't help you so it's totally understandable that you need your mum with you. I think it's terribly sad that he's being so unreasonable and the fact you quite clearly dread telling him about your mum coming to stay is so unhelpful. I remember just how much I needed my mum when I suffered from pnd. You need someone around you to support and care for you, not to undermine you. Put yourself first and do what's right for you, not him.

[foundintranslation]

Anxiety can be imagined as a curve. It will reach its peak and - eventually - ebb. Maybe focusing on this image can help you in moments of acute anxiety.

[rachluv]

i had exactly the same feeling, at the time i thought i was the only one in the whole world to ever feel like this, mine started really slowly when my hub went back to work after his paternity leave, to start with i would ring him and beg him to come home from work saying i couldn,t go to the shops to get anything for dinner, it progressed over time and by the time my son was 16 months old i was pretending to be ill to make him stay home. i was the same in that i was ok if someone was with me but on my own i didn,t feel safe... looking back i can,t believe it took the prafetionals so long to realise i had a problem and it was a friend who became so worried about me who contacted my health visitor by the time my gp and hv realised i needed help i had started cutting myself and hardly leaving my room, i ended up under the care of my local cat team who tried really hard to keep me at home and thanks to there suport and help i started to get better... at the time i never thought i would, i felt like that was always going to be me. pnd is a seriouse illness and should NEVER be shrugged off by anyone. my son will be 3 in november and thankfully ive been off meds and ok for the last 10 months, seek all the help and advice on offer i know you don,t feel like it now but you will feel better, i wish you ALL the luck i can and hope that in time you will be writing something like this to someone else going through it

[foxinsocks]

itstough, well done for getting help. That's one of the biggest hurdles - you've admitted you've got a problem and are willing to do something about it.

Re your dh - I don't know what things are like with him normally so I have assumed they are OK. You have to focus on getting yourself better for the near future but it would help you greatly if you had his support. I wonder whether a lot of it is that he does not/cannot understand what is happening to you.

Lots of people have never had any experience of mental health problems and are terribly wary of HVs/counselling. Or conversely, they had have experience and it has not been a good one.

[niceglasses]

itstough - sorry to hear about this. I think you have done exactly the right thing in getting help.

I just wanted to say that about 2 months ago I started on some ADs after years really of feeling pretty shitty. (They are really working). However - my dh did not get it at all. We had a massive row the weekend I decided to start taking them. Maybe I didn't involve him enough - I don't know but I was very cross and saw him as being completely unsupportive. In my limited exp I'm not sure whether some men understand depression or at least what maybe PND in quite the same way - not all men I know. Not making excuses for him btw - think he is being more than a bit unfair on you.

He has come round a bit now - esp since I feel so much better. Hope things work out for you.

[Rhubarb]

I think I know what you mean, although I suffered these symptoms when I was pregnant and my dh reacted much the same as yours, telling me to face my fears etc. Not very helpful is it? I don't you realise how frightening and disabling it is until you've been through it yourself.

I would advise little steps with lots of support. I can see his point of view in that he doesn't want you to become reliant on your family and that is a danger. But the HV and your GP should offer you the right support that will enable you to get back up and running again. Has your GP assigned you a Community Psychiatric Nurse? I had one of these and they were very helpful to me, I would recommend that you ask him for your own CPN.

I hope you gets lots more advice and support than I can give you right now. Just remember that it is an illness, it does need treating, but with the right treatment it will go away. You will not always feel like this, you WILL get better!

[itstough]

Hi
Sorry I havent been back to acknowledge your replies but things have been a bit bad.

The day I originally posted, everything hit a big high and I felt dreadful. So much so that I had to leave the house and go and stay with my MIL.
My dh was not happy to say to say the least but there was no way in hell I was having another night like the night before.
Anyway I came home yesterday and although dh has calmed down and is back to "normal", he remains with the same opinions.
He honestly thinks he is doing whats best in the long run. He admits that its the hardest way to go about things but the best.
All I can hope for is that the CBT which I start on the 2nd will prime me ready for when dh goes away again at the end of the month. Other than that I think I'm truly stuffed.

I was looking through the feeling depressed board and there are so many threads where people are going through the same or very similar problems.
Why is it so hard to battle.

As you'll have probably realised, I havent gone away either . I'm feeling a bit peed off about it because I can't decide if it was through me being a chicken or not wanting to spoil it for everyone else.

[itstough]

and Rachluv, I have been doing exactly what you have said you have done.
In fact its all the same what you have said.

[lulumama]

Hi -- sorry things have been so difficult

all i can say is, the CB worked for me and quite quickly too...

if you can,, try and get in a receptive frame of mind..be ready to accept the help and work with it...believe it will work..

i know even positive thinking is a struggle...but try to see it as a little chink of light at the end of the tunnel....

[itstough]

lulumama, it helps knowing people have done well with the cbt and quickly too.
Were you offered AD's to help your anxiety? If so what did you take if you dont mind me asking?

[lulumama]

i don't mind - i was on a variety of tablets

seroxat
citalporam
lustral

in varying doses

mine was more depression than anxiety. but the worse my depression, the worse my anxiety became

in the end...175 mg venlaflaxine did the trick, reduce to 150mg, for 6 months then i was well enough to come off them...