I am having a breakdown and I don't know what to do.

[NickerPicker]

I have had a few before, and asked for help, I end up being sent home and nothing ever happens.

The last time a mental health nurse came around and I told her not to talk loud as my walls are paper thin and she talked loud then did a motion to cover her mouth and smiled it was like she did it on purpose. Then I said please don't ask me to talk about things it sets me off and she kept probing those things and set me off. I felt like she was trying to antagonse me and get a reaction.

I have also had experience in the past of a psychologist who told others I was making up an illness, and then tried to get me sectioned when the leading UK expert on the NHS said I was really physically ill with multi system complex genetic conditions.

So I don't have a good experience of mental health.

I know I am not doing well at the moment. I am so bad I asked the children to leave as I am not being a good Mother to them as I am ill. They won't leave and go and stay with family. Our family are not nice.

Partly this breakdown is time of the year and partly it is hormonal, so when my period comes I should feel a little better.

I can't distract myself to get things out of my mind, I had some bad triggers of bad memories from the past.

I have hit myself in my head tonight and started crying and got angry at the children, over something they did that was a trigger from the past. I had told them several times to please go and stay with relatives and they won't go, and I was scared I would get like this and I did, I didn't want them to see this. They have a tendancy when I am not well to like the CPN to wind me up and antagonise me, as do family, again it is like they want to press my buttons which I am trying so hard to keep in check and they won't listen to me when I tell them I need to be alone to get past this.

I don't know what to do.

I tried to go to the GP yesterday and the children wouldn't let me go, they have seen me badly treated in the past by the medical profession as have they. That time the psycholoigst tried to get me sectioned, I wasn't having a breakdown, I was trying to get the children to school they didn't want to go. I rang the psychologist for help in what I could do to get them to go and she called an ambulance and police and told them I was threatening to kill myself, I wasn't at all. I can now see she was trying to screw me over, the fact I ignored her pshychology the symptoms were all in my head and got diagnosed and proved her wrong. I couldn't see that until she tried to get me sectioned. The police were dreadful, and the children saw it all. The police didn't take me to her as she requested and took me to A&E and they sent me home. I never went near the psychologist ever again.

I am horribly depressed over historical things, and over my disability. I want to see someone to feel better and the children won't let me. I want them to stay with someone else, and they won't go, only one is barely a minor, the other not.

I am also scared myself of being abused again by someone medical, I cant carry on living like this though. If I get triggered and remember the horrible stuff again I don't want the children around, and I will probably knock myself out next time I hit my head like that again.

[NickerPicker]

I think I will ask for this to be removed, sorry.

[PotteringAlong]

How old are your children?

[Wombat22]

Don't be sorry. I'm sorry I can't offer any practical advice but can hold your hand until someone more knowledgable comes along

[NickerPicker]

The youngest is 15. I asked them to leave and stay with a relative. I can understand they don't want to go to a relative as they are not nice, selfish and unhelpful, which is why I am in a state.

I have asked for this to be removed. I feel terrible, I was reading another thread about a Grandad who is ill and I had already asked the children to stay somewhere else and that thread is now making me feel even more guilty about them being here with me.

[NickerPicker]

The thing that keeps going round in my head is the following:

I was five. Cousin A drove my Fathers car and crashed it with me, younger sibling, Cousin B, sibling to Cousin A. I was injured. I have since found out due to this genetic condition it was worse for me. I was then dragged from that car, and taken to the house. In the house were my younger sibling, my Parents, the parents of Cousin A&B, and our Grandfather. I was battred with a belt repeatidly, shouted at, blamed and then thrown in a bedroom for hours. I could hear them all laughing and having fun. When I was allowed out, the adults wouldn't talk to me and the children poked their tounges out at me.

When I had a car crash when I was seeing the psychologist, I was injured, again worse for me. I asked for help and nobody would help me care for the children and they left me looking after children who were disabled with the same thing as me nobody believed me. They had meetings and were nasty about me and wouldn't help meand the children, and then I got diagnosed and the psychologist tried to get me sectioned as she told everyone I made it all up when I hadn't.

Cousin C recently told me nobody cares about me.

My Father told my Aunt something personal about me and I ended up getting something in the post from her.

I feel my whole life I have been scapegoated, battered emotionall abused and never helped. I actually want to die, I can't as I tried that before and messed it up.

[Wombat22]

You need to speak to someone who can help. It seems you've had a really shit time but I've read many threads where posters have found help with mental health issues (although many have reported otherwise) Go see your GP. Demand an appt tomorrow as you need help before to get you through the coming week

[NickerPicker]

What do I do about the children, they won't go and when I tried to book the GP on Monday they kept putting their fingers on the phone to stop me. They remember what the CPN and the psychologist and others have done to me and tell me to not go near them as they make it worse.

[Wombat22]

Make the call when the DC are not there, or nip into another room. If the youngest is 15 they are old enough to understand that you need help imo

[Wombat22]

Cousin C sounds like a twat. What kind of person says something like that

[NickerPicker]

Cousin C was abused way worse than me. Cousin C's Dad died when she was young and her Mum didn't keep them clean and didn't feed them on top of allowing a Man in his twenties get her pregnant at 14. The school used to give them extra food and spare uniform. I am angry at that bitch of an Aunt and my parents for all of that too, as well as me, they all knew it was going on and did fuck all. I was told how fucking lucky I was that I was fed and given clean clothes ffs, and believed it for years as well.

Cousin C used to be told how clean we were and she only worked out in the past few years they should have kept her clean and not blamed her.

[Wombat22]

Ok, but it's still pretty horrid to tell someone that nobody cares about them

[NickerPicker]

Sorry for going off like that.

It is just that Cousin A and B were the King and Queen and we were all lesser beings. Cousin C's family being at the lowest rug. I am upset at they all knew what was going on and did nothing to help them, other than my Dad would give the children the loose change in his pocket and bring them ham, bread and butter to make sandwiches.

It makes me so cross that they all worship Cousin A and B, who are nasty bastards still along with the Aunt and my Dad who left them in that state. I remember my parents and Aunt saying about dirty old Man and stuff being around Cousin C's family as a kid. I thought it was someone unclean at the time. The fuckers probably knew they were being abused and did fuck all to stop it. Sorry I really hate the lot of them.

[Wombat22]

They sound a right bunch of charmers! You'd be better off just concentrating on getting yourself well for now and deal with them at a later stage. I hope you get an appt for tomorrow. I'll check back in then

[TheOnlyOliviaMumsnet]

Hello NickerPicker

Sorry that we didn't get to this as quickly as you'd like - we know that you reported it to be removed but if you'd prefer, we'll leave this for you.

We hope you don't mind, but when this kind of thread is flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We really hope that things start start to look up for you soon -
Very kindest
MNHQ

[windchimes23]

First of all, your life has been messed up and it is not your fault. Shit happens, it does not mean you are responsible for it. Adults should look after children and not belt them about. It is abuse, end of.

So you need to address this, you need to get some help and learn to trust. From your post it seems as though you trust no one and your inner voice is telling you it's your fault and everyone is against you. This is a normal reaction for someone who has experienced what you have. PTSD?

It does sound as though you are going some serious issues right now. I have not been sectioned but have spent time on a psych ward (signed myself in rather that be sectioned). It did help me, I had time to think about myself, meet similar people and to talk about it. It didn't fix me, but it gave me breathing space.

Please don't discount a hospital stay if you feel suicidal. Speak to your GP, get a referral and go voluntary if they offer you IP. That way they can not force any drugs on you and you can leave if you so wish.

Honestly I really don't know what more to say to help. I hope you can find a healthcare professional to help you.

Also, your children should not be preventing you from seeking help. They should be supporting you, they are old enough to be helping you.

Hugs xx

[NickerPicker]

Thanks everyone.

When I saw the psychologist I had no trust and she was suspposed to work on that with me, then she abused me all over again, trying to convince me it was all in my head. I was speaking two weeks ago about it to a Dr who gave me test results for one of the conditions I have. I think that triggered me as well. That Dr and the one who diagnosed me with the main condition were the only one's who were kind and who said they were sorry and understood it was horrible that was done to me, it happens a lot to their patients.

The psycholoigst not only broke my trust they shared their wrong ideas with others and blocked me and the children getting help when I couldn't walk. They all thought I was making it up. I am still so angry it is on my children's school and community health files. We were treated like rubbish for so long.

Then I went and asked for help again recently and got that CPN who purposefully spoke loud so the neighbours could hear. I seemed to slip through their fingers, they phoned up not knowing someone else saw me and did nothing for me the mental health service, they just dumped me. I didn't chase it up as she put me off the sort of help they will give.

I was arrested under the mental health act and brought to A&E, I wasn't sectioned, I was sent home after a half an hour of a psychiatrist in A&E looking me over. I don't know what that psycholoigst was trying to do to me, it scares the hell out of me when i think of it. At the end of March I had the car crash, I asked for help in the April as it was Easter holidays, a few weeks later I got diagnosed and I found out after she had been telling people in the April there was nothing phsyically going on it was all in my head. None of them invited my GP who knew I was seeing the specialist and I had been taken to A&E after the car crash. They all just decided themselves and left us. I am so cross. I have been treatd like rubbish as have my children for years over that psychologist.

How can I trust someone in mental health servcides again?

Even when I complained about her, they covered up and lied in the response, and invented a whole conversation we didn't even have in teh complaint meeting. I recorded the meeting without his knowledge so they had to do it again, they really are a right bunch of arseholes. I don't even know what has gone on, I can't open my post anymore, I am so sick and tired of coverup's in complaint responses.

Sorry I got very angry again.

I have moved so it is not the same mental health trust, only the cpn is from the new trust and there are no medical records for me, when I put in complaints they all went missing according to NHS England, who are doing some kind of investigation, I don't know how it is going on, as I can't open my post anymore.

I think I will ask to go in as a volunteer, on boxing day, then the children won't have a choice and as you say they won't have control over me. How do I go in as a volunteer?

[windchimes23]

Bless you OP, you have been through the wringer. To go voluntary on the NHS is hard going. You have to be classed as a danger to yourself or others and be on the verge of being sectioned. Then they may give you the chance of signing yourself in.

Beds are scarce, they do not want to treat people in hospital settings if they can get away with it. I am one of the lucky few, I have private healthcare (which is not without it's own issues), I am treated like a cash cow. But that is a first world problem!

I am so sorry that you have had such a terrible time and feel so abandoned by the system.

The first port of call has to be your GP. Beg, plead, wail if you have to. You obviously need support right now from people who can help to build a relationship with you.

I wish I could offer more. The only thing I can add is to say that not all NHS staff are bad, most are amazing and only want to get people well, not to bait them or trick them.

You have my deepest sympathy and I hope you can get something worked out xx

[windchimes23]

Oh and try and raise a complaint in writing with the Quality Care Commission. Letter is good, then a call to follow up. They have to act on complaints and will take you seriously, all calls are recorded and transcribed.

[NickerPicker]

Ok thanks. I am glad you had a good experience. I don't have private health care. I am not sure what I will do now. It does feel like I have met way too many wanting to bait and trick as you say. I can't keep going like this I have struggled along for years like this, every so often cracking up, in between I distract myself and having crying sessions, avoid things that upset me. I can't fix me as hard as I have been trying I can't do it alone, I need drugs as people seem intent in upsetting me with triggers, when they know I don't want anything to do with them.

I haven't given my family my address, all they have is my mobile and email, I think I will work out how to block the email and I wonder can you block on a mobile phone? Then they have no way to get to me, other than via the children's mobiles. I keep getting asked where I live and i wont tell them. I am so glad I didn't, they would have given my address to that stalker Aunt who would keep sending me things here upsetting me when i said I want nothing to do with the woman.

[NickerPicker]

I just want to say thank you for yesterday, I thought I was loosing my mind a bit. I am feeling so much better today. I haven't been thinking about things from the past, just about today and tomorrow as I should be and it was nice, I am not feeling angry or stressed. The children are a little unsettled and I am so sorry I upset them, I really feel so guilty and angry at myself for not being able to control my mood.

[windchimes23]

We all need to vent sometimes. Glad you are feeling a little better today x

[Wombat22]

Glad you're feeling better today OP I hope 2015 is a better year for you. Merry Christmas

[greenberet]

Hi Nicker just read this - i get these pre- hormonal "black" days too when feel like everything is working against me and then when my period starts understand why I felt so low.

Have you tried speaking to a GP when your mood is better rather than waiting until you feel a bit helpless - i would also take along what you have posted here to show how your thinking changes - not sure whether you can see a different GP but I have certainly found that some tend to be the "pull yourself " together type which is no use to anyone so kept seeing a different one til I found one that understands.

Hope you've been having good days :-)

[NickerPicker]

I won't bring the thread, I don't want them knowing I post here.

I do have hormone imballance's recorded in my medical history.

I also think I may have possible PTSD from being badly treated, as there was more to it than I have written here. I feel so alone, that I don't know who to trust and I feel so misunderstood.

I want to feel like I did a few years ago, and not like this any more. Certain dates and times of the year really set me off.

I blocked the letter box, I could not cope with post coming through the door.

I got into a mess again last night crying and thinking about asking someone else to bring up the children. I was reported for not wanting to take my child to a HCP who was incompetant in my child's medical condition and for "neglect" . The reason the thought of having to bring them to Dr's who messed up before. The recent one who reported me to social services and had every professional treat me like rubbish again. Social services closed the case and I still have to take my child to him. I want to vomit. During the "investigation" another specialist for some reason wrote on the other child's report that they were not taking their medication to treat a medical condition (nobody ever prescribed that for my child and my child didn't have that medical condition diagnosed) I nearly cracked up, it them meant the GP would not prescribe what I child did need for something they were diagnosed as having. The Dr who wrote the wrong thing apologised, it is too late now, I feel like getting sick from having to take my child back there. I wouldn't take the one I got reported to SS to him over it and they got knocked off the list, there is no other specialist to treat that child, who has the same knowledge in this rare condition.

I took my child to a specialist dental service, got there early, they rushed us as they were running late, and bullied me to write things and started having a go at me because I couldn't think quick enough for them, I ended up walking out and crying and we didn't do the appointment. This will all be seen as my fault. I was not well, it showed in tests at the time, they knew I had a disability and bullied me like that and nothing ever happens to anyone, I always get the blame and no help.

I asked social servcies to take my child to the appoinemtns as I was too ill and traumatised by recent events and they wouldn't do it.

I don't even get help from the OT, to be able to access my child's bedroom, they made me get bannisters on one side, I said it is pointless I can't go up the stairs, then a second came out and still would not help me have a shower, made me have inapproriate things that are useless and no good to me at all.

I feel so low, I get no help and I don't want to go near any of them now, they are horrible.

I just don't want to deal with these people.

[NickerPicker]

I keep buying lottery tickets, and praying that I win the lottery so I can have the things I need and see different private health care professionals who specialise in our conditions so me and the children don't have to be abused by NHS idiots and nasty bastards.

Every time I don't win, I cry as I am trapped by having no money for what we need.