*May Be Triggering* Can't See A Way Out

Butterflywings168 · 2014-11-21 00:34:45

So, in brief - a few months ago, I did something really stupid. Harassed someone (kind of an ex, they didn't deal well with my mental health problems and treated me pretty badly imo, eg dumping me by text, I wasn't well and reacted very badly due to the way they hurt me but yeah, not making excuses). Anyway I was unwell on and off and the whole thing dragged on for ages, either put on hold bc I was in hospital or I didn't attend court (too terrified). So I have to go to court on Monday for harassment and malicious communications to ex. The only other time I have been in trouble with the police is for shoplifting once, that was because my benefits were messed up and I had no money and no food, shoplifted some food, got caught. I know it's not OK but it's not as if I was just shoplifting something I fancied. Honestly, yes I did that a few times but only ever basic things I needed, food, etc. I am terrified I will be sent to prison. I'd rather die. I would not survive. I fully intend to commit suicide if this happens (close enough anyway). I can't stop thinking about all this. Sick with worry to the extent I've eaten a rice cake and cup-a-soup all day, don't want to sleep as get intrusive bad thoughts when trying to sleep and when I do I get nightmares so sleeping terribly. CMHT aren't helping. They just don't seem to believe how badly I'm struggling at the moment. I think they think I'm being a drama queen to evade the consequences of my actions. I'm not, I accept I should be punished. Unsure I should even bother continuing to ask for help, my own fault, what can anyone do. I am honestly so ashamed. I can never clean off the stain of what I have done. And yes I have taken many painful long hard looks at myself and what happened. I wanted to recover and actually get my life back on track, and make something of it, but what's the actual point of trying. I wanted to work in mental health to help other people who have been through this, was wanting to look for things like support work, and considering eventually training as a counsellor or social worker, but who would employ someone Relationship with DP has broken down (never told him about it all, too ashamed of being a disgusting criminal) and probably can never conceive any dc of my own (medical conditions) and would never be allowed to adopt or foster with a criminal record. I might as well be dead. I have ruined my life, haven't I?

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Mental health

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We're afraid we've had to delete this thread. OP - please contact the Samaritans, by emailing [email protected] or calling 08457 90 90 90. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide [[http://www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health he...