I am so fucking stupid WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??

[Thisisnotgood]

Name-changed as I'm pretty embarrassed about this. If you happen to suss who I am (unlikely but possible) please keep it to yourself.

I'm being treated for depression which has mostly resulted from 3.5 years of almost constant pain, as well as possibly some traumatic 'issues' that I may not have entirely dealt with from when I was younger.

Years ago, as a teenager getting over/dealing with some fairly heavy stuff, I used to self-harm. I found that as doing that totally absorbed my focus it kinda pushed all the bad shit away for a while. It was always in places I could hide...

I haven't done that for a long time BUT as the depression has kinda taken hold I've found myself obsessing over any bumps or signs of ingrowing hairs around my bikini line. Which is obviously a nicely hidden place (see above).

It has been getting worse and worse, I've literally been picking holes in my skin, sticking needles in etc etc to get at an illusive (possibly non-existent) hair.

I've realised recently that the focus I get with this is mimicking what I used to do with the self-harm and it is definitely not healthy.

So far so bad...but now I've done something so stupid and I loathe myself for it. I got especially fixated the other night and was essentially gouging with a pin, sure I could see something else lower down, deeper under the skin.I did this for over an hour in one place. I didn't sterilise the safety pin. I am a total fucking idiot.

Eventually I forced myself to stop. The next day I had a nasty looking scab and swelling. Day after not too bad. TODAY I looked at it and decided it looked a bit infected so dabbed with tcp. The scab came off revealing a HOLE with greeny-black stuff in it. I think it's coming from inside all around it as it is quite swollen.

That's bad isn't it? I have never seen blackish stuff in a round before and I'm so freaked out. I'm seeing my dr on Friday about my meds and also a lump I have had on my neck for a couple of months or more (also freaking me out!!)

I will have to show her what I've done won't i? I probably need antibiotics. Is there any way I can pass this off as non-mental behaviour? A nasty spot that burst and got infected??

If you've read this far, here is a medal. So sorry for the epic post.

I'm really upset. Can't bear to tell DH.

[Thisisnotgood]

WOUND, not 'round'

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Tell the doctor. I tell myself that they have seen everything before, and nothing is new to them as that makes me worry less.

Does the dr know about the historic self harm? Might be worth mentioning. I've also got a thread in mh about sh alternatives which you might find helpful to stop what's happening currently.

[Wombat22]

Don't be so hard on yourself but def mention it to the doc. You may need some help to prevent you doing it again

[Thisisnotgood]

Thank you. I just worry so much as I have small children and I don't want to be seen as not coping.

I know from these boards that you have been through so much, so I really appreciate you caring about my small and stupid problem.

No, Dr doesn't know about self harm, or my past or any of that.

I will check out the distraction techniques, noticed the thread the other day but was still trying to convince myself that wasn't what I'm doing

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Even if it's not why you're doing it still might be helpful. Would it help to talk, do you think? There are always people here who will listen

[deplorabelle]

It would be best if you can tell GP the truth, but if you can't do that right now then at least get the infection treated - start with you were looking for ingrown hairs and you gouged yourself with a pin. If you feel comfortable as the consultation progresses you could mention that the hair-looking behaviour might be a bit problematic in itself.

[Thisisnotgood]

It is why I'm doing it caulkhead I know it is. I'm gutted, I've been 'clean' for years.

belle my dr is really lovely. I just don't know if I can admit to this- and if I do then I will end up not mentioning the neck lump as I will feel like I am just going to be seen as overdramatic and self obsessed. And also there probably won't be time to cover all that in a gp appt.

Why am I wrecking stuff I don't want to I want to be happy again.

[Thisisnotgood]

wombat thank you for the kind words- and the flowers I feel like such a twat given what you, caulkhead and so many others are dealing with x

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

It's all relative though isn't it? It's important to you and that means it matters, because you matter.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Go to the doctor with all the things you want them to know written down, in a list. Then give the doctor the list. That way they can make sure everything is covered.

I have a few gp friends and they have said how much easier it is that way.

[Wombat22]

You're more than welcome. I think you may be confusing me with another Wombat but I can empathise

[Thisisnotgood]

Sorry wombat.

caulkhead I don't want them to know how I am. They know a bit, but I don't want them to know how bad it is now. I don't want anyone to know. I have to pretend I'm ok. Have to.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Can you tell me what makes you feel you have to be ok?

[Thisisnotgood]

I have kids. They need me. They already have to deal with 'mummy not being well enough' all the time because of the pain condition, and they know I'm always, always tired. But now I have to make sure they don't have to deal with the depression as well. They are ace kids.

Also, my husband and I have a business together. He has been amazing, fielding things for me, but he has so much stress already, he's the MD so everyone always looks to him (especially now I'm in this state)

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Maybe, just maybe, the doctor knowing would mean you can get more support and/or meds that mean that it is much more managable?

[Thisisnotgood]

Maybe. I done know. Maybe they will think I'm not good enough for my children if they knew everything?

They are such wonderful little people. My DH is lovely too. I'm so lucky I know that I must be incredibly selfish. I don't deserve them.

[Thisisnotgood]

Sorry sorry sorry caulk. You are doing this without a DP/H at home. You are amazing. I'm a selfish cunt. Please ignore me xx

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

It doesn't sound like you're not good enough for them. It sounds like that is the depression talking.

If you tell the doctor how things are, what's the worst that could happen?

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

How about I talk until I think you're being selfish and then stop then?

[Thisisnotgood]

You shouldn't be having to do this!

And I don't know what to say.

I guess I'm scared they will think I can't look after my boys properly. I would walk thru fire for them.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

If they thought that, they would offer you and dh support. However, and I know this for fact at least in the city I'm in, that's incredibly rare. You have to be ballsing up pretty horrifically before anyone steps in with anything other than medication and talking therapy.

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Sorry, just re read that and I sound a bit arsey. Not meaning to x

[ProfessorDent]

Well that is the problem with being stuck with the same GP, you get all familiar with them and then when you have a problem like this it's hard to ease into it. The alternative is to hope you get to speak to another GP at the practice because your usual one isn't available which is often sold as a bad thing but can work out if you want to avoid embarrassment, then again of course it will go on a medical record.

That's why people go to A&E isn't it, often enough. It's over attended cos folk don't trust their doctor, want a second opinion and so on. You could get the wound attended to there surely, and if it need treating it's a fair sight quicker than trying to arrange to see your doctor, though I suppose you'd do the phone in at 8am thing.

Otherwise, could you phone MIND or some other related organisation and speak in confidence if you are worried about it going on your record. I am not an expert on this subject though, just floating ideas.

It does seem like you've fallen off the wagon, so to speak, with your problems and that can happen generally with these things, it is possible to lapse, and then do it even worse than before, but it can just be temporary.

[Thisisnotgood]

You don't sound at all arsey.

Spell check REALLY didn't want to write 'arsey'.

I think I'm hollow. My substance has gone.

[Thisisnotgood]

Thank you professor