I appear to have lost myself.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

Somewhere along the line I seem to have become defined by my illness and stopped being me. And nobody sent me the memo.

So there I was happily (or at least as happily as you an be with chronic recurrent depression) going about thinking I was Rafa, who likes a laugh with her friends and going out for a meal and a couple of glasses of wine. Rafa who likes watching the West Wing and The Wire and satirical comedy. Rafa who likes running (when my asthma allows) and swimming and reading shit crime novels. Rafa who's a listening ear even if she often sometimes gives really crap advice. Rafa who gets on with her work without complaining too much, who does all the little bits that get forgotten and only really throws a strop when other people complain on the odd occasion they haven't been done.

And all this time it turns out I've been Rafa, with the mental health issues. Rafa who we have to treat with kid gloves in case put too much pressure on because she has MH issues. But who we couldn't possibly talk to about her MH issues and find out what triggers them and what 'too much pressure' actually would be.

[Mitchy1nge]

that's quite an affecting thread title

you are obviously still all those other Rafas in addition to this newer incarnation, is it a process of integration do you think, Rafa with MH issues just another facet of what sounds quite a fun and interesting whole?

[IDismyname]

Hi Rafa

How did you come to realise that you were being labelled as the "Rafa with MH issues"?

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

I don't think it is a process of integration. I've and MH issues for over 10 years. I know I'm likely to have them for the rest of my life. I'd got my head round that. Most of the time anyway.

There's been number of little things at work over the last 18 months since I had my last episode that hadn't quite made sense. An odd sense that everything I was doing was being watched closely in case it was a sign of not being well. That one blew up quite spectacularly when I was confronted over one error that everyone else had made multiple times over the previous month. It was presented as a sign they'd put too much pressure on me and it had stressed me to the point I couldn't cope. Backed up with a list of questions and conversations about an aspect of work I'd had because I was interested in it but were obviously a sign I was stressed and worried about it. Sort of fair enough because I'd only been back at work 3 months, but could definitely have been handled better.

Those little niggling doubts have carried on but I swept them under the carpet. Except there's now a mismatch between the opportunities I am getting and the opportunities 2 other staff members are. All 3 of us have the same target on our CPD but they are being given the chance to achieve it and I'm not. So yesterday I asked the question about why, sort of knowing the answer but hoping I'd get a different one. Turns out I wasn't quite ready to hear the answer.

It's not like I'm even ill at the moment either. I'm in a really good head frame of mind at the moment. There's no way I could have written that second paragraph about myself 2 years ago. And they know that. But it's still a factor even though the task is simple enough that it isn't going to stress me out or push me over the edge. It's starting to make me wonder what else isn't being said.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

Oh God, sorry that was a bit epic.

[RandomMess]

Have you got a HR person you could talk to? It sounds like discrimination if you're not being given the same opportunities?

I'm started a new job soon with a new employer and the prospect of a pre-starting chat with my line manager post occ health Dr caused me to horrific dreams last night about all my anxieties etc. So yep everytime you get yourself into a "good" place it seems as though there paranoia can bring you down!

[Mitchy1nge]

rafa are you in-house or public sector or something like that?

[Mitchy1nge]

(like random, just wondering who is best person with whom to talk it over)

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

public sector.

Bit reluctant to go back to HR or the equalities advisor again. Might soundout my union rep.

They haben't exactly said I can't do it. It's just been put off tilJan. Where it will be put off again. And then again like it has every year for the last 6 years. Mostly for reasons that aren't anything to do with me. Problem is if I push it and then have a totally unrelated period of fepression next year, I'm just going to get 'I told you so'.

What I want is just for them to listen to what I'm saying rather than just mske decisions on what they think they know about depression. Or at least talk to me. I shouldn't have had to ask that question yesterday. They should have had the discussion with me first.

[RandomMess]

I would speak to the union. It sounds like they need training in mental health and dealing with disibilities they shouldn't be making decisions like that for you.

That sort of treament would actually make me worse as it erods all the confidence and self belief I'd have worked on! Do you feel you could put a suitable comment/objection in writing?

[Mitchy1nge]

it sounds like they could vastly improve their handling of this, although obviously the relationship between work stress and any sort of relapsing condition is probably rightly recognised it must ultimately be up to you to set your own - whatever, boundaries or limits

I hope you get somewhere with your union rep

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

The annoying thing is that they used to be really good at this. Which is making me think I'm the problem. A slight change to one of the management seems to have made a massive difference to how things are dealt with. I thought 18 months just getting my head down and doing my job as well as I can might have got us passed the horror that was my last sickness absence. It hasn't.

You are both right. There is a link between work place stress does need to be recognised and it wouldn't be any better if they ignored it totally. But that undermining of my self-esteem has me questioning my own judgement and whether I am able to set my boundaries.

I did repeat the conversation I had to a colleague who promptly burst out laughing. Apparently the idea that I would be pushed over the edge by half an NVQ2 while already having an honours degree is as ridiculous as I thought it was last night. Which makes feel better.

My appraisal is in 2 weeks I think I'm going to make a few notes about what I think the issue is and what I would like to happen and raise it there. I don't really have anything to lose at this point.

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

I meant to say, try not to worry too much about occ health. Ours are pretty awesome and are very good at deciding what if anything you need and pointing out when managers are being idiots.

[Xmasdinnerbonanza]

Stop being rafawithMH then.

People only treat you how you let them.

Do you want to hit that target? If so get your arse in work and tell them your going for it. You do seem in a clear head space.

I've been many people in work. In the end I choose to be the person I wanted to be and the rest followed suit.

[RandomMess]

I've done the occ health bit, next meeting is with manager and HR. I guess I was surprised at how quickly I got emotional with the occ health dr when discussing what happened at my last place and how it affected me. I usually appear fine and well at work and just internalise everything until it's too much and end up in the depths of despair - just such a fine darn actor I'm afraid!

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

Know that acting feeling.

Well this is now fairly irrelevant. Less than 24hrs before I reach the end of the trigger point for sickness absence and I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with noro. So a capability hearing and written waning it is.

I literally cannot believe this is happening.

[RandomMess]

Oh no that is so annoying. It's ridiculous isn't it.

My dh has worked for 18 years, examplary sick record - they bring in those stupid new compulsory warning things and he gets pneumonia twice and the psoriatic arthritis - ie his first flare up which resulted in him needing to methotrexate which wiped him out. So yep he got a written warning!!!

[RandomMess]

I'd be tempted to go into work regardless!

[Mitchy1nge]

oh what rotten luck

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

If it wasn't a hospital I might be tempted. I really can't.

So written warning and then resetting the trigger point for 12 months from the date of the hearing I suspect.

The irony is this policy is the one work stressor that puts a huge amount of pressure on me and I know played a big part in turning a severe but manageable episode into something that nearly got me sectioned last year. I'm hoping pleading for a common sense approach might help here.

[RandomMess]

Argh, phone up with a childcare emergency and take it as leave...