Don't know how much more I can take

[Loveisashadow]

Don't want to drip feed, don't want to post loads eithier.

This year, my Grandfather died when I was finishing my degree. Am single Mum to one dd, 7. I developed severe depression, was self-harming and suicidal. I then had a psychotic episode for 2 months. My dd went to live with friends. I still have some psychotic stuff going on (though not as bad), somatic pain and struggling to cope on my own. My dd is living with me now. I have very little support, no family around.

My ex p is a drinker. He took me to court for access to dd a month ago.
On Tuesday, he was in a house fire caused by a lit cigarette. He's in critical care with a machine helping him to breathe. They can't wake him up. I've been to see him. He has no next of kin. I've been trying to help.

Everyone thinks I'm faking my depression and psychotic stuff. But I'm not. The DR thinks my depression is causing it, and it coming and going because my ad's have started working. They say I manage it well. I'm on setraline 100mg, upping to 150mg next week. I confuse people because I managed to do so much when I was unwell, and because my psychosis is a bit strange. My CpN says I manage it well- and that some if it is me overthinking, which helps me to stop my panic and see things logically. But I still see things (used to hear voices, but mainly gone now, I'm pleased about that). I get weird paranoid thinking.

I was suicidal this week.I've been self-harming Then I found out about the fire. All of my friends are fed up of me. Everyone from University is doing Masters and everything else. I got on to a PhD but deffered.

I'm stuck here with everyone thinking I'm lying, single Mum on benefits, struggling with no money at all, with depression and trying to get over everything on my own. No-one believes me and I feel like I'm living in absolute hell where I can barely take another day.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I'm a psychopath who makes stuff up for attention. Maybe I'm really ill and I just keep going because I HAVE to and there's no-one to help. Everywhere I turn, I'm stuck.

I feel like giving up.

[LEMmingaround]

How is your ex now? He is your ex for a reason. Remember the stress he has put you through. He isn't your responsibility. Your responsibilities lie with your dd.

I am so sorry things aren't getting better for you. I feel you are going round in circles.

You say yourself that people don't believe you are ill because you are coping. Could that be that because as bloody tough as it is, you ARE coping. Despite everything you are managing to look after yourself and your dd. Now you are helping your ex.

I think you should concentrate on getting practical help. it is hard being a single parent. Give the medication chance to work as and try and have faith that it will work. Try and let go of the psychosis - the voices etc are lessening. Thats good.

One step at a time.

[Loveisashadow]

He is the same, I think, Lem. I haven't time to go and see him, chase him up and so on. He was in a very chaotic state before this, drugs and so on. That's why we had a court thing going on.

I am getting slightly better. I have good days and bad days, and my cpn says I'm doing very well at fighting it all and that there are days when you need to sit on your hands to stop self harming, that's the nature of it. She says some days are like that, and that she can see I'm battling it.
Since ny dose has upped, my pain is less and my tiredness more. Which I don't mind as I'm not working at the minute. I do feel that, given time, the medication will make a difference.

They are in the process if diagnosis. They want to try and see if this depression is causing anybody way of thinking, and I'm getting better at rationalizing because my cpn is very very good, or whether it's part of an underlying illness.

One of my voices was very comforting at the hospital, and I found that very lovely and useful. She sings a song. I prefer to think of it as a way of thinking, but the recent episode has confused me so much and I think my brain has gone a bit haywire with it all.

I'm having a bad day eith pain and horrible thoughts today though.

Thank you for replying, I feel very alone .

[Loveisashadow]

Lem, he is 35 years older than me. Our relationship was incredibly abusive, and he took advantage in many ways, and totally destroyed my head with manipulation, drinking and violence. That's why he's my ex. I'm finding the situation very hard.

[SilverStars]

Hi,
It is admirable that you have visited. However, you chose for him to be your ex for many valid reasons. He is getting excellent care and all his needs will be met by the hospital right now. As he has no next of kin/relatives it is up to the state to support him as he recovers and for adult services to step in as and when.

talking to your cpn about your ex sounds wise, help you to process it. However, taking him on your responsibility now may be too much for you. You have a lot to deal with as it is.

MH recovery is a process, sometimes one step forward and sometimes 2 backwards but it is a journey. And you are coping, even if it is tough. And it is tough.

Would it help you to focus on little things for you and your dd - like what she MIT like to watch on TV, get her to help bake/write a creative story/pick autumn leaves and do something with them? Just anything that is positive and good for you both tomorrow?

[Loveisashadow]

Hi silver stars

I did indeed choose him to be my ex, a very long time ago! We split up when dd was 18 months old, she is almost 7 now. Until he started drinking very, very heavily and becoming involved in drugs, we always got on quite well- as strange as it sounds.

I've only recently begun to process our relationship. I do feel quite fondly toward him, and have been checking in on him and telling mutual friends he's not had many visitors, and he's on his own and things like that. Our friend has visited him today- he's not well enough to be coming off the sedation (though they will keep trying) and he's having an operation to put a breathing tube in his throat. His lungs are slowly clearing, but he has a chest infection, so it's positives and negatives. I don't want him to be alone, so I am trying to visit and of course, worrying about him. My Dad got on with him, so I think he's visiting to see how he is as well. I asked him too as I'd like him to feel we haven't deserted him; he was a very troubled soul before the fire.

Thing is, I was pescribed valuim last week (for short term) because my thoughts spiralled out of control, and I was heading for a horrendous place, so I'm still very aware that my thoughts are spinning with the thinking through, emotions and generally have a 'down' day (as is the thing with recovery). I had to take some just to get to the shops and the park today, though we did go. It was hard to get dressed at all, but some days are like that.

I think we are seeing a friend, and checking homework and so on.

I do find it very very hard to get out and do things- my CpN wants me to work on that as all I do is drop dd off to school at the minute, and take her to dance once a week. The occasional coffee out sometimes, too. Which is better than nothing at all, but a real change from my life before and it's frustrating.

I am coping, but I think I'm still in the thick of it because I over react and over think , and generally find everything really very hard. I become suicidal quite quickly if I think too much and sometimes feel that I spiral out of control. My CpN thinks I shouldn't have any therapy just yet as I'm not well enough to cope with the process, though I've had very good (private) therapy within the past two years.

Writing all of that down; I am inclined to agree with you that however much I might care, he can't be my issue as well. We are all quite frightened that he will die, he is very poorly, but then it is complex because he hasn't been the nicest of people and was very, very troubled before the fire. And there's how my DD will cope. Right now she is doing very very well and dealing with it admirably.

[SilverStars]

If you over tire visiting him too much you sound like you will struggle with things you need to do. But you got other people visiting him which is great.

CPN and MH team often will not recommend talking therapy until someone is stable. Whilst someone is reporting suicidal thoughts in particular. aim is for stability. but a cpn will be doing low level talking treatments anyway, like promoting self care and using the recovery star model etc.

[Loveisashadow]

Yeah, she challenges my thought process which is helpful as I get very confused between reality and not, but we talked the other day and she said if I make a diary she will be able to help me figure out if I still have psychotic thoughts (the idea terrifies me and my mind runs away with itself) or if it's something else (like disassociation).

I don't know what the recovery star model is, but think I'd struggle to even get to a therapy session right now. I wanted it, but she said no, best to wait because I might not be able to walk away from it all easily. She wants me to write down things I want help with for my care plan.

I did get very tired from visiting- it's obviously incredibly distressing to see, though I have phoned the nurse and spoken to her and kept in touch, told her we are doing our best and I'm worried about him being alone. One nurse talks to him a lot, which I think is really sweet. It is very draining for me, and brings back memories of my Grandfather's death, which sparked my depression earlier this year.

I struggled today to do anything, but I didn't have any (I don't think) weird thoughts, which I do enjoy, because I feel much more peaceful when I don't see or hear or think I see and hear things, if that makes sense.

[SilverStars]

Recovery star focuses on 8/10 steps to recovery - simple things like: health eating, exercise etc. it is not therapy but good self care at basic level.

[Loveisashadow]

Oh, I didn't know that. I got very unwell in May. It's taken until now to get me interacting and talking and noticing things aroubd me, though I was always functioning. The main things I need to sort out are benefits and I'd like to go to a support group or something during the day. I'm quite good at healthy eating, just not exercise as I don't really have the funds to go the gym or classes. I do think not looking after myself properly did make me quite poorly in the first place if that makes sense.

[LEMmingaround]

Its good to see you more positive. Writing things down sounds good.

[Loveisashadow]

It's all a bit weird, LeM. Today I struggled to get up and have had to take a valuim just to calm myself down and get me into the state to start doing anything. The thing with this sort of illness I didn't expect is just how intrusive and choatic your thought process' can become, and just how negative and self-depreciating they can get. What I find most troubling is how much I actually believe them. Of course, I know CBT or something like that would help, but I'm a bit stuck because until I get more stable and am able to do more (i.e cope with extra thing of having to get to the session, I can barely get my dd to school some days), then I won't be able to do it.

I think my problem is sometimes that I don't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling or what's going on for me until I reach an absolute crisis point; by which time it's too late. I did that last time, my friends kept saying get help and I waited 6 months until I was really really unwell and ended up under home treatment on anti psychotics.

There's a lot that I'd like to do now, but I'm really lacking the strength, motvation and clarity of thought to do it. Because my thoughts race and I think very little of myself, I find it really very hard to even get outside. Right now I feel really hot and am drinking coffee (I know, not great for calm but I'm a single Mum ;) ) the thinking about tackling the huge piles of housework and possibly calling on some friends for some help.

Was meant to be doing a yoga class tommorow, but can't afford it, so I'm thinking of going for a walk and a cup of tea in the park instead (used to cycle but I'm still lacking in energy and a bit off balance).

[LEMmingaround]

Coffee is great :) sometimes we need a bit of a caffeine lift. My friend makes the best coffee (she is italian, it is like nuclear fission in a cup)

Cbt is good. But understand about energy levels etc. There is a link on the mh board to moodgym it is an online cbt course you can do in your own time. I think it would be great for you.

I find a long walk is great for me. Have been known to set off on epic 10 milers when things get too much.

I find valium a great calmer but i noticed that it made me feel very down the last few times i took it. Might take a look at the mood gym thing again myself. Am struggling a bit myself but don't have any so not an option.

[Loveisashadow]

I need coffee all of the time! I am a total addict, that Italian coffee sounds amazing. I will look at the things you mentioned. Ex p is in surgery today, things are good on one hand, but bad on others. It's hard to tell what the picture is, really, as they can only tell us what's going on day to day. My friend is feeling guilty for distancing herself, but I said its what we all had to do in order to distance ourselves from his spiral of self destruct. He had severe issues and refused all help. She's struggling with it, but I've decided to distance myself a little as he's been a constant source of chaos and trouble in the entire ten years I've known him, and I am looking after our Daughter after all.

My thoughts are racing and I'm struggling to get dressed. Friends keep asking what they can do to help, but I don't know. I don't want to take advantage of kindness, because I already have so much. Hone treatment gave me lots of valuim before, but I threw them out when I was feeling quite impulsive, had to get a new script. Have done left, but they are very wary of addiction these days, aren't they? Sorry you are struggling. You sound as though you giveaways of coping which is good. I think I need to figure that out, but I'm so new to it all.

[Loveisashadow]

My Dad has been to the hospital today. They are still struggling to wake him up from the sedation. It's not looking like it's going to be good news. The nurse said that he just doesn't want to come back, though they will keep trying.

[LEMmingaround]

That is sad news.

[Loveisashadow]

Very. My friend said the nurses are trying to be optimistic, butcher can hear more pettimism in their voices. I think there is still hope, but being realistic, it is fading. We haven't been told not to be hopeful, as they are still trying to wake him up. It's still all very up in the air so to speak, as they do need to give these things time.

[Loveisashadow]

Quick update: they are managing to reduce the sedation and he's coming round a bit, but they aren't sure about his blood pressure still, and brain damage. He's turned a bit of a corner, but I'm not sure how that will change. He still has lots of problems.

[temporaryusername]

Loveis I hope you are ok. A 35 year age gap? You must have been incredibly young when he took advantage of you. I would keep your distance, I really would. As SilverStars says, the hospital and adult services will have to take it from here.

[Loveisashadow]

I was 19 when DD was born. We split up when she was almost 2, and as I did my degree and started to develop more healthy relationships, I began to see what he did was awful. He was horrendously abusive; letting me sleep on the floor when heavily pregnant, because we had no bed, spending our money on drink, leaving me with ten pounds a week for the food shopping ,drunk at the birth, we had nothing to eat and so as I lay in hospital post birth, he ate the sandwich bought round during the meal times on the ward. I've only just started to realise how it all was, and it sent my thoughts into chaos, not least because my friends question me and my ability to be a Mother. They are his friends. I guess, but mutual friends, I have told them I'm keeping safe, as selfish as that sounds. It really really upset me and I don't need it. He was due to be evicted, and the fire was started by him. The smoke alarms were ignores because he was always causing disturbances during the night. I am doing a bit better today, still very upset though.

[temporaryusername]

I'm so sorry . I'm now even more certain that you should stay away, and I am very doubtful about the value of opinions or support from any friends of his. You don't need any links to people with chaotic lives, you have to put yourself and your dd first. You are so much better than all that. Look at what you've managed to do, looking after your dd, getting your degree, being a kind, articulate, responsible person. Seriously, those people are in your past but you have moved on.

I know that he obviously has problems but at they are not yours. There are times in life we have to stick by someone, this isn't one of them.

[Loveisashadow]

Well it all kicked off between us all today: a huge argument with accusations thrown of me being a bad Mother and so on. I've sent a message saying I'll be no part of the Drama, and my dd will decide whether she wants to see him in hospital or not. I'll stand by her, whatever she chooses. I phoned to see how he was, and they said his sedation has been reduced and they are waiting fir him to wake up. If he doesn't in a few days, then they will start to worry. I think that he might be alright, I hope so. But I now firmly believe I need to cut all contact and get myself named as sole carer for dd in court. The landlord said there were many fire setting issues, bottles if wine thrown out of windows, neighbours complaining and the smoke alarms were ignored because he frequently set them off. He was due to be evicted at the end of the month. I feel very very upset and isolated. As well as struggling with depression, I'm struggling with this and my own feelings, too. It's incredibly hard.

[temporaryusername]

I agree with you. You don't need these people or their ridiculous input. I think since your dd is only 6, I would possibly make a decision for her that it is best not to visit. I would say something along the lines of him needing quiet and rest, and it being best to let the nurses take care of him. If she were very insistent about going you could rethink, but 6 seems very young for her to decide. I don't have dc though, so I may be wrong. It just seems that at the moment there is no benefit to her seeing her father. Long term it is doubtful if he can be a positive presence.

Just ignore him and his friends. I know it's horribly hard to have all this to deal with, but at least cut out any practical role in his recovery or any contact.

I wonder if some of your feelings towards him are residual, from the time when he possibly had a little more control, and you were younger and totally vulnerable. Even though you are still vulnerable now, you have moved on. You mustn't get sucked back into his world or think that he has anything to offer. You owe him nothing.

[Loveisashadow]

I think you are right, and my dd isn't old enough to decide for herself eithier really. I do think some of my feelings are residual yes, and I'm struggling enough with tiredness and the physcial symptoms of depression as it is. At the minute, it's generally feeling unwell and absolutely exhausted: I don't think I'd manage all of those hospital visits and so on, I'm just so, so tired anyway.

I've picked up a bit of freelance work, but am struggling to do it. Have been struggling a lot with suicidal and sh feelings; I think some of it is to do with all of this going on, and the rest coping with things and keeping it all going- hard when have depression.

[Loveisashadow]

Update for you. He died in the early hours of the morning, with his friends beside him.I went to say goodbye too. The death was caused by lack of oxygen due to smoke inhalation and the resuscitation after a cardiac arrest, as well as a chest infection. They did a scan, decided he wouldn't be able to support himself to breathe and so took the sedation away, and gave him morphine.

[Itscurtainsforyou]

I've just been reading this. So sorry that this has happened and your daughter has lost her dad.

All I can advise is that you stay away from these "friends" who are no good for you, focus on getting better and helping your daughter grieve for her dad - it's going to be a difficult time but you can get through it.