Self harmed for first time in ages, worried that something is "wrong" with son, house is a tip - help!

[Twuntosaur]

Just as it says in the tin really. I've been really exhausted all week (well, for weeks and weeks and months and months actually), have a chest infection that's really wiping me out and I've been shattered. When I get this tired I get a really short fuse, I can't sleep until after midnight (but have to be up at 6am).

Today I was exhausted, both kids were really playing up while I was trying to get dinner together, ds1 pushing ds2, ds2 hanging off my leg screaming.. etc. Nothing too unusual (well, they're usually better behaved!) I got ds2 settled, but ds1 was nagging for snacks, trying to pull my away from the kitchen. I was struggling to stay upright enough to cook and I just yelled at the poor kid, he ran off screaming and crying, tried to escape from the house. I felt awful

I apologised to him, make sure he was ok and we had a hug. I then walked back into the kitchen, closed the door, took a metal spoon, put it in the boiling water and held it against my arm and burned myself. I just hated myself. Felt like an awful mother, that I was ruining them and I deserved to be hurt. I hate shouting at them. I hated myself. I haven't self harmed for ages. I thought I was ok and now I'm scared I'm never going to be ok and I don't know how to deal with it.

Ds1 is an amazing kid but.. he is really sensitive/emotional and I'm scared it's all my fault. I had really bad pnd when he was a baby. He didn't sleep, just napped in the day and only when upright. I took him to the doctor countless times but I was overseas and the just laughed off reflux/colic and said he was just a mummy's boy. I felt awful for not being able to help him, and the lack of sleep pushed me over the edge. I used to cry, panic, all the time. I'm so scared I damaged him with all of that. Now, he's a great kid and I love him to bits. He is really bad at hearing no, controlling his emotions. When he's excited or upset he'll hit his head with his fist (I did this in the worst of my pnd (to myself of course!) and didn't even realise.) He scream/shriek at the top of his voice, kick the walls, the furniture, throw things, and I have no idea how to deal with him This will be for things like, telling him no he can't have another biscuit as dinner will be ready soon. Or, he has to put his socks on before school. Or, his brother snatched a toy. I read a lot of parenting books and advice and think "Aha!" but when it's happening in front of me I just crumble and don't know what to do. When he's not angry, which is 95% of the time, he's the sweetest, kindest little boy. He loves his little brother and teaches him to read and draw, they're always hugging and laughing together. He loves helping me with the housework and making gifts for me. He really is the most amazing kid but I'm terrified I've broken him because of how I was when I had pnd and how I am when I'm exhausted (shouty and not fun).

Sorry this is so long, I just feel like I've lost it and really let myself down and let ds1 down. Where do I even start with this?

[Twuntosaur]

Sorry for noy replying, tried to get some sleep. Thank you so much fir your kind words

I think I'm having some kind of breakdown. Ds1 kicked off with a full on screaming fit as he couldn't have ice cream for breakfast. When he starts screaming it just kind of triggers something in me and I panic. I tried to laugh off having ice cream for breakfastto defuse it nit he screamed and grunted and didn't stop till I shouted at him that he needed to eat and get dressed off we'll be late for school. He just glares at me, refuses to speak and just grunts or screeches. It scares me. I HATE that I have to shout or he doesn't listen. I don't know what else to do though.
After that I came into the kitchen and dh had done a half arsed job of putting in the bin bag so when I threw the breakfast stuff away it all slid down the side between the bag and bin. I was so stressed that I threw the bin (it's a small one). What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not ok am I :(

[windchimes23]

You didn't damage him, he came that way. I've had PND after both my children and one is super chilled out and one is hyper sensitive. They both had the same upbringing.

The self harm is not good, you need to address it, old coping mechanisms come back when you are under extreme pressure. I just went to my GP today and showed her what I had done to myself. She was kind, caring and didn't just want to chuck AD's at me even though I accepted them. I am also having talking therapy.

I have a close friend who had a similar situation with her first child, she too thought she had damaged him in some way. He's just passed his GCSE's and is moving onto sixth form. 90% of the time he was an angel! but when he went off on one it was ballistic. Over the years he settled and became a lovely young man. Sorry for waffling but you sound just like what she said to me when he was five and chucking mega fits because he couldn't have an ice cream before dinner.

You do sound depressed, I think PND can linger long and hard and lack of sleep just exacerbates this. Please reach out to someone in real life and keep posting on here too, there are a lot of us in similar situations and the support I have had here has been invaluable. You are not a bad mum!