I think she needs help. What to do?

[GraceFox]

I'm concerned about a friend who exhibits the following:
-feels disproportionately wounded when slighted, eg party invitations, kids being told off at school
-has been known to cut close friends dead when said slight happens
-this escalates into anger
-demands the highest standard of loyalty from others
-cries easily and is generally over emotional
-worries excessively about everything
-has little or no awareness of others' states of mind/feelings/points of view, but is hypersensitive about her own.

She is an intelligent woman with many plus points but I can see that her antagonism is depriving her, one by one, of her friends (either she's dumped them or they've got fed up 'caring' about her).

I don't know much about mental health but she's not well is she? . Is there a way of broaching this without having her fly off the handle

[DrCarolineTodd]

It could, potentially, be something like borderline personality disorder but it's not something you can easily point out. Maybe if she's stressed and worried suggest she talk to a counsellor? They should spot it.

[GraceFox]

Thank you, I did wonder if it might be something along those lines. I will give it some thought but I agree it's not easy to voice the issue.

[LEMmingaround]

I think its not a great idea to be diagnosing people with personality disorders. Tbh she just sounds very insecure. Some people are just hard work. It doest make them mentally ill.

Just be her friend. Make allowances for her insecurities if you will but do not be suggesting she needs a shrink!

It is actually quite hurtful when your child is excluded. Plenty of aibu threads on the matter.

[GraceFox]

Children not ever excluded (but she takes offence with host about who else is on guest list). And eg hearing they've been told off - gently - by teacher is sort of thing to make her furious.

But my main concern is to understand why she turns so easily antagonistic against her friends. She insists there's always a good reason but I'm afraid she not others is the common denominator. Who wouldn't be concerned about that to the extent of thinking their friend might need professional help. Of course I'm not going to go barging in with my thoughts. That's precisely why I posted...

[LEMmingaround]

I understand and you sound like a good friend. Some people are just difficult. If i were being unkind i would say she sounds a bit spoilt but could equally have low self esteem. I would be more worried if these were new traits or about the anxiety.

Your friend sounds a lot like my mum and i have questioned her mh but she is just the way she is.

[GraceFox]

Tricky isn't it? There's nothing new about these traits, just the frequency increasing. Think I'll keep quiet and just bite my tongue when she starts attacking and falling out with the next person on the list.

[rootypig]

Just be her friend. That's all.

[LEMmingaround]

Tbh rootypig is right. It is all you can do. Just be there for her

[frames]

Doesn't sound like you enjoy her company, which makes me wonder why you stick by her. Perhaps you just like analysing, and judging your friends.

[rootypig]

Agreed, frames. OP, you're utterly condescending. She's a grown woman, let her live her life.

[GraceFox]

I'm actually very concerned and fwiw I spend a lot of time with her and her family. The point is, frames and rootypig, I was asking what if anything to do. As per the title. I was not intending to be judgemental or condescending. She has 3 young children of whom I am very fond. Seems like I'm expected to sit back and watch them all sink or swim, when all I can see is deep water all around. Thank you CarolineT and LEM.

[Snipface]

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time op and not sure why - you are clearly posting out of concern for someone who sounds very unhappy underneath her behaviour.
Perhaps you could talk to her about the less contentious issues, eg the excessive worrying, and ask if she has thought about talking to someone who might be able to help her? (Eg gp)

[carlywurly]

I knew someone who sounds very similar. Google narcissistic personality disorder.
Sadly, there wasn't a lot we could do despite some efforts and for my own sanity, I cut contact some time ago. As have most of her friends and some family.

[carlywurly]

That's not helpful is it? Sorry. Unless she can recognise she has an issue, I'm not sure how far you'll get. If she exhibits any bad behaviour towards you, you can challenge it then.

[GraceFox]

Thanks carly. In the past I have gently flagged up a couple of scenarios which have involved me but in all honesty she simply can't see a pov other than her own. I will stay friendly with her but not get too involved. I don't think I can help her.

[carlywurly]

Oddly since I posted the other day, I've had a male work friend behave in a really similar way out of the blue. Something has upset him, which is pretty trivial in the scheme of things. He can't see anyone else's PoV either. I'm hoping its a one off incident as I really don't want any more friendship dramas.

I am trying to be calm and put my point forward in the most rational way I can but it's so frustrating when you can't get through to people and they're the only ones who can't see it.

So I sympathise. And think you sound like a lovely friend