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Aibu or is dh?

(67 Posts)
Imsuchamess Mon 01-Sep-14 14:43:12

I have scizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I am psychotically depressed and very I'll.

I am trying my best to look after dc and this means when dh comes in I need a break. I either go to lie down or if I feel up to it visit a friend leaving dh with the dc.

I am unable to visit friends during the day while dh is working as I have three dc two with sn and in my current mind set it's just too stressful.

But visiting friends in the evening does lift my mood and make it easier to cope the next day with the cleaning and dc.

I struggle to do all the cleaning and I see to the kids needs but come 6 I just need a break from the kids and some time to myself so I either go read a book or go meet a friend.

Dh is unhappy cus I'm not doing family activities with him when he comes home. He says it's hard to be sympathetic to me when any spare time I spend lying in bed unless I get a text inviting me out.

I feel like in my current mind state I am not capable of sitting down and playing a video game with dh or watching tv with him and feel his happiness is not my responsibility.

But he says he has no sympathy for me because I can't be that I'll if I am able to visit friends. But he just doesn't understand that visiting friends without dc gives me a break.

I only visit two friends as they are the only ones who know enough about my illness and who I can spend the night crying too if I can't take being happy.

I just feel like I am struggling right now and need to put my needs before dh in order to get better and be able to care for the dc.

ghostisonthecanvas Mon 01-Sep-14 14:50:56

I am sorry you are struggling. Your husband has a point. You are effectively looking for support elsewhere. Why can't you stay home and be with him? Allow him to be the one who listens. To be fair, watching tv with him isn't a big ask. He will be feeling rejected and maybe finds it difficult to understand why you choose to leave the house when he is there. Although his happiness isn't your responsibility, you should want his company. You have an illness, let him support you. Why do you prefer your friends company?

aprilanne Mon 01-Sep-14 14:51:41

hi i realise this must be hard .my hubby has severe mental health issues .looking after the children must be hard .is there no way you can get a break during the day .family /childcare.i would contact your social worker about some respite .you may be entitled to some help with kids .my hubbys problem the exact opposite he follows me about like a lamb .it is hard for everyone when someone is mentally ill .i think he just wants family time altogether which is not unreasnable .

WorraLiberty Mon 01-Sep-14 14:52:07

How often do you do it, is it every single evening?

It's a tough one because I can see it from both sides.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Mon 01-Sep-14 14:53:02

When does you dh get time off? No, you are being selfish.

Imsuchamess Mon 01-Sep-14 14:53:27

It's not that I prefer my friends company it's that I need a break from the kids. If I spend time with dh the kids are there. I have to go to bed at 7:30 so can't spend time with him once kids are in bed.

PiperRose Mon 01-Sep-14 14:55:43

I've been on the receiving end of this. Let me give you it from his point of view. "She's well enough to go out with friends but she doesn't want to spend time with me. Her depression is my fault, I must make her worse".

My advice is to get someone to baby-sit the kids and spend an evening with him. Also buy him a copy of the book 'Living with the black dog' and do some dearth on 'depression fallout'. Best of luck.

Imsuchamess Mon 01-Sep-14 14:56:18

Dh has a break when I go to bed with the kids at 7:30 then he goes to bed at 10-11. I can't have a break then owing to highly sedating medication. So technically I get a break for 1 1/2 hours dh has 21/2 hours after dc are in bed.

Bulbasaur Mon 01-Sep-14 14:56:47

MH wreaks havoc on everyone involved.

Can you schedule like 1-2 hours of family time each evening, and then use the rest of your hours to be alone and decompress?

Are you seeing a counselor? I know this sounds cliche, but it would get you out of the house and away from the family for a bit to let someone who's trained in mh issues to know what's going on.

ghostisonthecanvas Mon 01-Sep-14 14:58:06

If you are in bed at 7.30 when do you see your friends?
I appreciate you need a break from the kids but that could be as simple as your dh taking over when he comes home. Does he help with meals, bathtime, bedtimes?

WorraLiberty Mon 01-Sep-14 14:58:22

So you're basically living separate lives but under the same roof?

How old are the kids?

itiswhatitiswhatitis Mon 01-Sep-14 14:59:19

I can see it from both sides. I've had severe depression so I can understand how important time to yourself is.

On the other hand you do sound like you feel only your feelings matter right now. I disagree with you when you say you are not responsible for your dh's happiness. It must be very hard for him too. I think there is room for compromise here.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Mon 01-Sep-14 15:01:26

How old are your children? Can you afford childcare maybe one day a week to give you a break?

BackforGood Mon 01-Sep-14 15:01:52

Why not investigate if your dc could go to a Nursery for a few hours a week and give you a break then? I don't know how old they are, but there is often funding available for this sort of thing.
I have a lot of sympathy for your dh. It's not about anyone being 'unreasonable' but it's easy to see why he's upset.

Nanny0gg Mon 01-Sep-14 15:02:03

What happens at weekends?

Can you manage 1 evening at home with him?

WorraLiberty Mon 01-Sep-14 15:02:20

I think we're all partly responsible for our immediate family's happiness, to a reasonable degree. If you all live in the same house, that's the way it is.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Mon 01-Sep-14 15:03:13

Of course he doesn't have 21 1/2 hours break. He's at work. You sound very immature and selfish. You say you're poorly, I have no reason to doubt that, but you just will not see beyond yourself, your wants and needs. The ridiculous 21 hr thing proves that. You need to grow up.

WorraLiberty Mon 01-Sep-14 15:05:03

The OP said her DH has two and a half hours break after the kids go to bed.

mrssmith79 Mon 01-Sep-14 15:07:49

Attitudes towards mental ill health make me so sad. We, as a society have a looooooong way to go. Do you have a CPN that you can talk this through with? Maybe with your DH too. I've found that sometimes partners need a stark explanation of the facts from an independent party before the penny drops. You could ask for a referral for some family therapy work if you think it might help (budgets permitting).
One thing to consider though (and I say this in the nicest possible way) is whether your actions, although comforting in the short term, really are helping you towards recovery? By that I mean are they an avoidance technique? The easiest option to avoid stressors in the home? However fab these friends are, your home life will still be the constant that you return to at the end of each day.
Also, could it be time to ask about a medication review? I'm a mh nurse BTW.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Mon 01-Sep-14 15:08:22

I apologise. I misread that. Ignore my last post, though I stand by my first.

Bulbasaur Mon 01-Sep-14 15:08:22

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Psst... You added an extra 1 to that time. There's plenty of things to get outraged about without having to do mental gymnastics to make that happen.

Imsuchamess Mon 01-Sep-14 15:09:10

I said 2 and 1/2 hours not 21 which is not when he is in work but when the kids are in bed and he sits down to watch tv or play a game.

I guess I am being unreasonable but I just don't have the strength to give any more of myself to him than I already am. I will think about separation as this obviously isn't fair on him.

On the weekend I do half the cleaning and sit downstairs doing activities with him until 6 when I go out or go to read a book. I cannot afford childcare but have arranged my mum to look after the kids on her day off this Saturday.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Mon 01-Sep-14 15:09:30

I know, I'm not really up to any form if gymnastics today, let alone any form of mental ones. blush

CinnamonVanilla Mon 01-Sep-14 15:12:35

When do you go out, OP? Is it in the evening (after 7:30pm) or earlier?

QueenofallIsee Mon 01-Sep-14 15:13:12

I have struggled with depression and anxiety and know all too well the feeling of needing to escape but I think that you are probably not seeing your husbands point of view - you are co parents and a family but you are by your own admission, biding your time until you can make a break for it every single day.

Partners of manic depressives have to be absolute troopers and often need counseling themselves as it is such an internal condition that it can be hard to understand. I assume that you are medicated? It sounds to me as though you need to go back to the GP - managing your condition in the way you are is not working or even improving things from what you say above. You cannot just 'clock off' from your life on a daily basis, you need more help so you can cope.

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