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is this as good as it gets?

(22 Posts)
LEMmingaround Mon 18-Aug-14 22:09:10

I manage to get from morning to night. Some days i manage to do that and not be shitty to dd. Today wasnt one of those days. Shes gone to bed now. I want to cuddle her but dp reading to her. She must think i don't love her.

i am on medication for anxiety. Have been for two years (this time )

Im not getting better. I feel on a knife edge all the time. I was walking my dogs with dd today i wanted to scream at every one to just fuck off. Ddog1 clearly picked up in my mood as he was very fighty (i keep him on lead all the time ashe can be like this but today he was a shit).

Even simple tasks put me on high alert. I feel on edge all the time. Like im just about holding it together. This is normal. When nothing going wrong. If anything happens i lose it.

I feel weak and pathetic.and this is it. This is my life from now until i die.

NatashaRostova Mon 18-Aug-14 22:41:25

I feel like this too, I wonder why I try to climb out of the terrible low just to get back to a not very happy level.

Have you had any therapy or a medication review?

You aren't weak and pathetic, you are struggling with a horrible and debilitating illness. flowers

LEMmingaround Mon 18-Aug-14 22:50:08

Ive had counselling lots of it but its not going away. I don't want my meds increased and im scared to change them . I just wat to be a hood mum. I genuinely cannot remember when i last laughed. I am numb

NatashaRostova Mon 18-Aug-14 22:53:48

Maybe changing them would bring the change you want. Could you talk it through with your GP?

susiedaisy Mon 18-Aug-14 22:55:22

Hi there. What meds are you on? Do you see your gp regularly? Have you been on any courses for low mood/anxiety/CBT?

You're are not pathetic you're not well. It doesn't have to be like this forever. thanks

LEMmingaround Mon 18-Aug-14 23:00:23

Feel a bit abandoned and fobbed off by gp.

I tried cbt but it didn't help me.

If i go back to gp she will increase dose (citalopram) and i don't want to be like a zombie.

NatashaRostova Mon 18-Aug-14 23:01:39

I've been on the maximum dose of citalopram in the past and it didn't make me feel like a zombie. Didn't help me much but different ADs work for different people.

LEMmingaround Mon 18-Aug-14 23:03:15

I am on 20mg now. 40mg just knocked me sideways.

LEMmingaround Mon 18-Aug-14 23:04:35

Thank you for the replies. Am going to bed now. dorry. Really tired

Iwasinamandbuint Mon 18-Aug-14 23:06:53

I have no idea what your history is , my MH issues are longstanding and at times I have been an in patient or have a nurse come to my house every day.

I say roll with the punches, I personally know and accept that I will never be as well as I would like to be as its coming up to 22 years. But I'm still alive.

susiedaisy Mon 18-Aug-14 23:08:28

Op have you tried beta blockers also my gp was adamant sertraline was better for people who had depression and anxiety. I know meds aren't the only answer but sometimes they can calm you enough for you to have some breathing space and take back a bit of control.

susiedaisy Mon 18-Aug-14 23:09:48

Keep posting tomorrow op they is support on here for MH thanks

idlevice Tue 19-Aug-14 00:22:33

Could you ask for a referral to a psychiatrist? They have much more expertise in prescribing medication for MH issues & should be less likely to fob you off, & more interested in following up side-effects. Or at least try a different GP at your practice if you can. As you're probably aware, there are quite a number of different medications & the dosage can be critical, even the timing when taking it, so it's likely there will be something to make you feel better out there. The time scales & potential unpleasant side-effects are indeed rubbish but it would be worth it for your relationship with your DD surely? (& of course your DP and dogs!)

LEMmingaround Tue 19-Aug-14 10:37:36

I've asked for a psych referral for the very reasons you say but was pretty much told id be wasting their time. I could go and tell them im suicidal (i have been) but even that gets me see n by a trainee counsellor. It doesn't seem to matter that this is ruining my life. I really find no joy in anything and see no future for me. So long as I'm still alive hmm.

DaddyBeer Tue 19-Aug-14 12:11:00

Hey LEM sorry to hear you're having anxiety. I have had similar issues to you, not panic attacks but constantly feeling stressed, tightness in shoulders, not being able to think clearly, worried about fucking things up, making mistakes and getting stuff wrong. Worried that if I wasn't doing all the things part of me demanded I do, then I wasn't perfect and people would think the things about me I was thinking about myself.

If that sounds familiar, I know it's not pleasant. And, like you say, for no real apparent reason. Just how it is when nothing really going wrong.

LEMmingaround Tue 19-Aug-14 13:31:18

That'l be right daddy bear. I sometimes think. Be happy. Go for it. But i cant see it

Iwasinamandbunit Tue 19-Aug-14 14:05:04

Sorry about my comment last night as soon as I posted I thought it was wrong because I couldn't say what I wanted to properly and reported it almost straight away so am disappointed it has not been removed.

I'm very unwell at the moment so should probably just not post.

I really wish I could say what I mean but so worried it would be rubbish I won't post.

Sorry again.

DaddyBeer Tue 19-Aug-14 14:50:34

LEM I think for starters that going back for a chat with your GP (or maybe a different GP) might be a good start. But - and this is the important bit - do you have a friend you could take with you? Someone who knows you well and could back you up a bit? Sounds simple, but can make a big difference.

GP's can be a bit shit sometimes. It isn't always as simple as just going along and receiving the right treatment. Sometimes you do need to push.

It might also be an idea to call your local MIND group. They will have people who know more about what is available in your area. They may also be able to provide someone to go along to GP with you. There may also be support groups in your area you are unaware of.

With regard to counselling, it may be worth giving this another go. A lot depends on finding someone you click with. If there's any way you can afford to go private, this can give you a lot more choice and control.

There will be something out there that will benefit you. It is not worth spending the rest of your life feeling crappy.

Ps thought your post was fine Iwas thanks

LEMmingaround Tue 19-Aug-14 14:56:00

I was your post was fine and much appreciated x

Iwasinamandbunit Tue 19-Aug-14 18:51:14

Thanks Lem and Daddybeer

Regarding the response from your GP I really think it depends on the GP and how easy it is to speak to them and how open minded they are. I have had varying responses when presenting when really unwell and wonder if you could try another GP.

Cut backs have meant the help has changed and is a lot less intense. The real scandal is that people then plummet further in to their depression if they don't get help straight away. I have seen the changes over last 20 odd years

I have had help through a local charity, not counselling but a support group that get together and play cards, chat and have tea. Obviously I get on far better with some of these people than others just like you do in any walk of life. It was very hard to attend at first but it has helped me a lot.

If there is anything like this near you then maybe consider.

Take care

idlevice Tue 19-Aug-14 23:45:20

The problem with counselling, groups, etc is that your state of mind has to be at the right level to get any potential benefit, and usually this is achieved by taking the right ADs then starting the additional therapies at the right window of opportunity. This cannot happen in the current NHS set up unless one gets lucky.

The right ADs are the key so I really do hope you can find a way to address this. Maybe go private for a few sessions to sort that out & get some other stuff lined up via NHS or local charity to support you when you have levelled out on more suitable ADs? Private is stupidly expensive but if there seems to be no other option then it would be worth it, & there is no messing about to make you feel worthless or more shit.

susiedaisy Wed 20-Aug-14 09:35:48

Idlevice. I agree.

For me ADs were the first thing along with a sympathetic gp. Then when I felt a bit better I was able to consider group therapy/counselling etc. if I had been forced to go to any type of therapy when I was at my lowest I wouldn't of got any benefit from it at all. In fact I wouldn't of even had the strength to get in the car and drive to the building.

Hope you're ok opthanks

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