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I have not felt normal for over 25 years

(8 Posts)
Openup41 Thu 14-Aug-14 23:53:06

I have had depression since I was 10/11. Nothing major happened at this time in my life. I just remember feeling overwhelmed with sadness and could not stop crying.

At secondary school I was called a freak/frigid/ugly/weird and I never ever felt like a normal teen - �� more like an alien. My dm did not understand my depression and questioned why I woke up in a mood/was always snappy/never looked happy. I so wanted to be like everyone else - happy go lucky and carefree. I felt so weak for not being in control of my emotions - still do.

I was and still am compared to my sibling who is the life and soul of the party.

I generally feel I am mad, that there has always been something not quite right with me. I work in a professional job, have friends, dh and dc but I carry this with me.

Pandora37 Fri 15-Aug-14 11:00:04

Have you spoken to anyone about this? Does your DH know how you feel?

I've never felt normal either, I remember crying for no reason when I was 7, suicidal ideation started when I was 12, started becoming scared to leave the house when I was 14, eating disorder at 18 etc. etc. I've always been told by doctors that my depression is situational but that's because I only ask for help then. The rest of the time I feel depressed but not quite on the same level. I've always been afraid of asking for help as well. I remember a psychiatrist asking me once how long I'd felt depressed for and I wanted to say erm...forever?! I didn't of course, though. It's a horrid feeling. I wish I could be happy but I don't know how to be. I have no advice really other than you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

mouses Fri 15-Aug-14 11:38:33

could of written that post myself! im exactly the same.
since same age around 10 ive felt the same to this day, I remember tellin my mum when I was young that my head don't feel right? used to shake uncontrollably during the night. never felt 'normal' compared to everyone else growing up. like im just different?

the older I got the worse its become, possibly as life gets harder, bills, stress, kids etc... cant just hide in my room for days like when I was a kid.
I only started getting help for it in the last 4yrs as I never knew what it was - just thought it was normal, that I was a miserable uncontrollable grump!

have no advice to offer but I can relate to how you feel.

Openup41 Fri 15-Aug-14 14:37:10

My dh and dm know. My dh does not quite understand depression. He feels I have a choice to wake up and be happy or sad. It really is not that simple. My dm plays things down and has never known how to relate to me.

I have been for counselling on several occasions. It helped at the time. I am scared to go on anti depressants.

Most of the time I feel numb and disconnected from things and people. I love my dh but do not feel that I do. I wonder if I actually have the ability to love.

mouses Fri 15-Aug-14 15:23:01

many people don't understand depression and how it affects people, I don't have a good relationship with my dm, find it hard to show emotion to anyone including my dp and dc's. too feel that I cant love and no one can love someone like me.

im on anti-d's, I hate taking them, they do nothing but gp and psych say they are helping! so I take them to keep them off my back.

I don't have any answers to help you but sometimes talking to those who know how it feels might help? lots of people on here who you can talk to.

idlevice Fri 15-Aug-14 23:28:39

There is a type of long-term depression I learnt about on here called dysthymia. Some characteristics are that it can start from childhood and that one can still maintain some sort of apparently normal life like having a job, family etc whilst inside feeling horrendous.

Once I saw the description of it I went to my GP as it seemed to fit my experience. I started on ADs eventually after some convincing: two opinions from two different psychiatrists, not just GP, & 6mths for me to get used to the idea. I have improved and will have psychotherapy soon. I did have counselling in the past for specific issues but over the years I just slipped further down into hardly being able to function. I now feel loving towards my DC which I didn't before. I cared for them but didn't have positive feedback from interacting with them because I was disengaged - sounds similar to the OPs disconnected & numb feelings. Maybe this condition could be what OP has & it would help to put a name to it.

NewName123 Sat 16-Aug-14 13:34:31

I would agree with all the above. At about the age of 11-12 I started crying for no reason and not wanting to go to school even though I had friends etc. Have felt weird and low ever since. Diagnosed myself with Dysthymia a few years ago. Have been on and off AD since I was about 18. It's not until now that I am on a whacking dose of Prozac that I don't feel depressed. I would say see your GP x

Iwasinamandbunit Sat 16-Aug-14 20:10:17

I have had 20 years in the MH system and even before that I wasn't ok. It kicked in when I hit about 12. I do know why I have depression and problems though.

It is just exhausting and the worst part is the fear when your feeling ok of the bad stuff coming back.

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