feeling completely flat - depressed and on fluoextine

[enormouse]

I was diagnosed with pnd about a week ago and have been put on fluoextine. Don't know why I'm posting really, just need some handholding I guess.

I haven't felt like me for a few months now. I just feel flat and exhausted and unable to cope with my DSes (2.7 and 6months). They are both lovely, wonderful boys who deserve more than I can give right now. I just feel like I've hit a really crap period in my life. I just finished an access course (psychology and behavioural science) and now have a year of nothing before I go to university. I feel resentful of my dp who is about to start an MSc in September.

I was bfing DS2 but it just seemed like I didn't have enough milk for him in the last few weeks and he's gone onto sma. He's much happier and seems satisfied now. So I feel guilty about not being able to bf him for longer and for not putting him on formula sooner.

I am so run down atm I've come down with flu and have come up in eczema. I feel ugly and disgusting. And the fluoextine is making me feel so tired.

[allisgood1]

So sorry you are feeling flat. It does get better though fluoxetine takes a good few weeks to get in your system and notice a difference. I loved it once it kicked in properly as I could think straight. Give it time. Do you have any friends you can talk to in RL?

[enormouse]

Some maybe. I moved to NI pre DC so not many close friends here. I just feel embarrassed to admit I'm struggling.

Dp had depression/bipolar so he's very understanding but busy with DSes most of the time.

[titabeth]

I'm sorry you're feeling low. I had PND which went undiagnosed for several years! Then I went on fluoexitine, and that other person is right, it does take a good few weeks to start working, and when it works, wow what a difference!. I had to stop breast feeding too after 6 weeks I just didn't have enough milk, and my daughter was 'starving'. She went on formula and was fine, in fact she's grown up now! I'm trying to learn how to be a mum to a 29 year old! as i won't be a nana for while yet. Those early years can be so tough when you're depressed, but you will get there, honest. Be kind to yourself, don't push yourself. I did psychology at Uni, take your time, everything that's happening to you now will stand you in good stead when you are well enough to go back to uni. You're doing brilliantly, being a mum is the hardest job ever, anywhere, in the history of the universe. to go back to academia you need to be at your best, and you soon will be. Take care.

[enormouse]

Thank you both for replying.

titabeth I feel more guilty and sad about stopping breastfeeding than I thought possible. I know formulas not poison and dp doing night feeds means I've finally gotten a few nights sleep. But I wanted to do it for longer, I managed 14 months with DS1. DS2 is finally satisfied and happy.

I'm applying for speech and language therapy at uni (Sept 2015) but now I'm questioning my ability to cope and think I should just not bother.

[enormouse]

Just gave DS2 a breastfeed followed by a formula top up. And he seems much happier than he was.

He's such a cheerful little soul, giggling away at me right now. I feel so bad for not realising he was starving.

Dp will give him another bottle later and take over night feeds so I can have an early and undisturbed night in the spare room.

[allisgood1]

Don't make any big decisions while you are feeling like this. Wait for the meds to kick in and then think rationally about what you want to do in Sept 2015...its a year away so no big rush.

And if you can keep doing part bf and part ff then go for it! Esp if it makes you feel better :)

[enormouse]

Thanks allsgood, it means a lot that you'd reply. No rash decisions from me but my mind keeps coming back to it. I want to apply and move away somewhere new and make a fresh start.

I just feel so tired, it feels like this is how it's going to be forever. I've taken my meds for today, put DS2 to bed and DS1 and DP are living it up at a bbq over the road.

I'm at a bit of a loss of what to do now.

[allisgood1]

Grab a glass of wine and watch a good movie.

It does feel really hopeless doesn't it? I remember that feeling very well. It really won't be long before it gradually starts to lift and then you'll feel so much better. What dose did they start you on?

[enormouse]

20mg a day I think.

The tiredness is really flooring me. Dp doesn't quite get the extent of it. The ADs he was on had caffeine in to counteract it as he was doing exams at the time.

I've downloaded some books to read so am going to relax with those.

[allisgood1]

If you don't feel better in 2 weeks you may want to go back. Did GP book you in for a review anyway? There have been times when I've had to start on a higher dose at the beginning then wean down to the smaller dose. The tiredness will pass.

[enormouse]

hey said to come back in in 2-3 weeks time. It's coming up to a week and a half now, I think.

Things are starting to feel a bit less bleak, slowly. Though I'm still tired.

I've confided in some RL friends, bought myself some treats and have done an online asda shop with some nice healthy food.

[enormouse]

*they

[johull]

I could have written this post myself.

My dd was born early and had many issues when born. I tried to bf for 3 weeks, gave up for 2 weeks and have now started again. I felt a lot of pressure to bf but worry she's not getting enough as she seems like she's taking a lot more than her normal at night.

I have PND and have a dr appointment tomorrow. I have been on flux before and hope to be give. It again. I'm posting on here for a bit of moral support. I broke down again Tonight after the most pathetic of things...I started screaming and shouting, I threw things across the room and eventually ran out of the house in my dressing gown crying and screaming that I can't cope anymore. My dp is amazing. He just grabs me, holds me and tells me he loves me. I just think- how can he after dealing with me all this time!? I feel so sorry for him, I wouldn't blame him if he left me.

Anyway... Fingers crossed for prescription tomorrow. If not I don't know what I'll do. I need to get out of this to be a good mum and a better wife.

[enormouse]

johull you are a great mum and wife, just a bit lost right now.
I hope the gps helpful. I'm finding posting here pretty cathartic so please keep posting if it helps.

Today dp woke me up with a cup of tea and things don't seem as bad. I feel lighter than I have done for a while. DS1 raced in and a few weeks ago this would have made me go "Fgs I need time to relax and wake up", today it made me smile. He got into bed with me and played with his cars whilst I drank my tea and checked my emails. He's a lovely boy, it had just gotten lost somewhere between my depression and his two-ness.

I'm not going to be so naive to think it's all uphill from here but it was a nice moment that made me feel like things aren't so crap.
Here's to more nice moments amid the fog and a handhold for you johull.

[johull]

Aw I'm pleased you had that moment. sometimes it's all about the little things isn't it. I went to the dr and she gave me Lustral instead of Flux because I'm breastfeeding. I'm also trying to meet new people in my area to help me get out of the house. I'm looking forwards to these tablets starting to work.

Enormous- how does your DP deal with your illness? Does he understand it? Mine blames himself and struggles to see that when I snap or shout at him, I can't help it.

[titabeth]

Hi I'm new to mumsnet and I couldn't find your thred until today! Derr!
Don't feel guilty about not being able to breast fee for longer. I felt guilty because I couldn't have a natural childbirth. I know it's easier said than done, but what I found over the years as I learnt about depression is that feeling guilty is one of the symptoms of depression. Sometimes, whithout necessarily meaning to, other mums can put us under pressure to conform with a sort of 'best practice' motherhood. Another useful concept of motherhood is 'good enough' mothering. My daughter laughs as me now when I tell her of my worries over her when she was a baby. Happy cuddling of your baby. Honest, you will laugh together one day.

[enormouse]

He does understand, he has depression himself. But I don't think he quite gets the overwhelming tiredness and how low I can feel sometimes. I worry about my depression dragging him down with me but he's pretty tough.

He deals with the practicalities mainly- feeding and caring for the boys, housework and cooking. Though his approach is a bit slapdash. The house is a tip atm, laundry and dishes piling up. I wish he'd get how big a stressor that is for me.

[enormouse]

tita I do feel ridiculously and completely irrationally guilty over not being able to bf for longer. For so many reasons:

1. I fed DS1 for 14 months why not DS2?
   
2. there's allergies and ezcema in the family (from me), I should do it for longer to help prevent this
   
3. I feel like it wasn't my choice to stop and it was taken from me.
   
   Silly, right? DS2 is sitting on me, giggling, content and thriving on formula. I know if it wasn't this, I'd find something else to feel guilty about. Seems to be the nature of the thing, like you say.
   
   Starting to hit a wall of tiredness now. DS1 has gone out to see grandparents and hopefully DS2 will nap soon so I can have a lie down.

[titabeth]

Hi mouse, could you try thinking to yourself that the guilty feelings are symptoms of depression - perhaps your mind is thinking that it's due to needing to reduce BFing? May I suggest you have a look online at cognitive behavioural therapy courses? CBT I expect you've heard of it. I have found it useful as it helps to sort out thoughts from feelings, then you can challenge the thoughts that are unhelpful, such as beating yourself up over something that isn't your fault. Once you begin to challenge the thoughts, and think more positive ones, the guilt gets shown the door.

My mum brought up four of us. I was BF'd for 9 months, but my next brother only got two months because he was a lot bigger and hungrier. My darling sis only got about a month and my youngest bro got bottle right from the start. She made it clear to all of us how much she loved us and also how impossible it is to treat every child exactly the same. Be kind to yourself, love yourself, love yourself, then love yourself some more!
You sound like a great mum to me.

[johull]

Enormouse how are you feeling today?
I'm feeling a lttle better already. I'm sure it's just a placebo but I'm not complaining. My darling husband is off work as of today for 6 weeks so things will be better!!!

[enormouse]

That's great johull. Who cares if it's a placebo, if it's helping.

Feeling not so great today, dps got an early meeting so I've had to do early morning. DS2 woke up at 4 and babbled at me for 3 hours and then fell asleep, taking up most of the bed. And DS1 was up almost immediately after. Tea is helping. How are you feeling?

Thanks tita. I will look that up. DS2 is completely different to DS1 - enormous and permanently hungry. DS1 was always a bit blase about food.

[johull]

I'm feeling well. Knowing I don't have to do this on my own anymore is really helping me. Dd been asleep all morning after a terrible night which means get chores done. I love having time on my own despite being tired. Shower- breakfast-chores is my new idea of heaven :-)

How are you finding this weather? I feel it makes me feel more depressed as I have no excuse to be in the house and I'm a winter woman. I love being warm and cosy at home.

[enormouse]

Must be the heat or something, unsettling them. That said I'm tired from last night but it hasn't made me feel snappy, hopeless and drained the way it would have before.

If I can manage to get up, early morning is my favourite time of day. Quiet, peaceful, good book, cup of tea and the radio on. It's bliss. When the tiredness wears off I'm going to start getting up early again.

I am absolutely not a summer person. The brightness hurts my eyes and I hate the expectation of being out and enjoying the weather. Roll on autumn.

[enormouse]

How are you doing today jo?

Toddler has gone to his grandparents, completely overjoyed as grandad is fixing his car and he gets to 'help'.
Am using the free time to restore some order to the house. Feel like I finally have the energy to tackle it without feeling overwhelmed.

[johull]

I'm a lot better today. I tried to make some mummy friends but failed miserably as the cafe they're at (normally) was empty. My heart sank. I really got the courage to go and talk to other mums and then....nothing. No one so I sat by myself again and had a coffee. Now my husbands finished work I will relax a bit more and not feel so alone.

My mum had Dd last weekend it was bliss. I tidied, had a bath, watched a film and went to sleep. Made me feel brand new and it meant I could be a better mum the next day.

How are you feeling? Still flat?