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please help. DP's OCD is killing me.

(17 Posts)
grobagsforever Wed 07-May-14 10:42:51

I'm sobbing in front of my three year old. A neighbour offered us an old wendy house for her and I've been shifting it piece by piece into the garden. I'm 7 months pregnant but I knew DP wouldn't do this task as the house has paint,bird poo and other dirt on it. I was hoping I could clean it up before he got home but I now realise it is going to take hours. He is going to freak when he sees it, he'll never clean it or let me do it whilst pregnant. Or let DD play in it when clean as he's so frightened of contamination from paint etc. I've let down, she is so excited about the house and now as she has is a crying mum.

last week he threw out my new kettle and treasured mugs as they were contaminated from the builders.

I can't go on like this. I love him but life has so many rules and restrictions.

Nousernameforme Wed 07-May-14 10:59:28

Take a deep breath right now you are stressing about what ifs and that will not help any.
What is all this he won't let you business? He can stress about it and worry but he can't bin it as that would mean touching it which is unlikely.
In your situation I would tell dp you are going to lean it and once it's clean dd will play in it
By helping him to avoid stuff you are just enabling his illness is he accessing help therapys or meds can you send him back to gp if he has been receiving treatment and it's not making much difference? Pregnancies can be very difficult times for OCD sufferers and I imagine without help it's only going to get worse once you have a newborn

grobagsforever Wed 07-May-14 11:15:33

He won't go to GP. He sees a therapist privately and she is useless, I should report her really. He would make me feel guilty about 'endangering' the baby if I cleaned it. This PG has had issues so I'm worried enough about the baby. And god dammit ehy should I scrub a dirty, dusty house at 7 months gone. That should be his job. I'm so resentful.

DocDaneeka Wed 07-May-14 11:25:13

How awful for you OP.
Not sure what to suggest really. I was brought up by someone like your dh. It's a fucking miserable life. I'm over 40 and still suffering the consequences. Having therapy at the moment in fact.

Sorry, but I think you need to act to protect your children. Not just about the play house ( can it be stored somewhere at a friends till you or someone has a chance to sort it?) but act to protect them both from the long term consequences of living like this.

I think I'd suggest you see your GP, see what you can do to protect yourself ?

grobagsforever Wed 07-May-14 11:35:08

Oh dear Doc, I do worry desperately about the effects on the children. What is the GP likely to do for me? Honestly he's a wonderful dad aside from this.

littleducks Wed 07-May-14 11:38:11

Any chance of covering the playhouse with a sheet or tarpaulin until it can be cleaned? That might deal with the immediate issue. Oh and maybe borrow a pressure washer to clean it. I found it quite therapeutic cleaning things with that when pg, it's fast and easy.

Long term I think you need to speak to the GP. Have you discussed this with your MW or HV? They might be able to offer some full family support while your dh is refusing intervention.

littleducks Wed 07-May-14 11:39:46

Sorry I didn't mean therapeutic for the OCD just that it was nice when heavily pregnant to get something gleaming with very little effort.

DocDaneeka Wed 07-May-14 13:45:07

I'm not sure what the GP will actually do for you, but in my case I went and now I am about to start CBT so I can learn to 'stand up to' people.

I am assertive in my professional life, but living with someone with bad OCD who could / would not not be argued with left me utterly unable to handle normal adult personal relationships. I feel I always have to back down.

So maybe the GP could suggest referral for CBT for you, or a support group to help with coping strategies. You could also try your midwife or health visitor. I think you are going to have to draw some boundaries for yourself, and be firm with them. I wish with all my heart that my non OCD parent had stood up to OCD sufferer, had actually said ' don't be fucking ridiculous' and got some help. It was truly miserable.

If I ever try to talk about it with them now, they just say ' but you always had lovely clean clothes and a nice clean house'

I never wanted clean fucking clothes. I just wanted a bloody life. sad

grobagsforever Wed 07-May-14 15:29:33

Thanks all for your replies. It's not the type of OCD where everything has to be clean, just a series of fears, mainly around chemicals, building materials and animal poo. Oh and burnt food. Our hpuse is actually fairly untidy. DD is allowed to be grubby and play with ants etc. He does his best to keep it from her, he really is a devoted parent. I just have bad days when I feel very resentful and I hate the fact I cried in front of DD, my own mum spent a lot of my childhood crying and it was miserable.

I often think getting pregnant again was stupid bur I didn't want an illness to deprive us al of another child. DD is so happy to be getting a sibling.

Doc your childhood sounds miserable. I do stand up to DP as much as I have the energy for, e.g by limiting DDs hand washes.

DocDaneeka Wed 07-May-14 16:15:58

You sound like a great mum. And it's good that you see a problem and are trying to do something. Sounds trite but I really think that is half the battle.

Everyone around me was just soo far in denial, hope I haven't scared you too much.

But I truly think you would benefit from some support around you. I guess it can be a lonely place, battling against OCD obsessions. You will start to question your own sanity at points.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Wed 07-May-14 16:32:54

Grobagsforever Im a practical kid of person, I have little advice on the OCD front BUT I am not 7 months pregant nor do I have a problem cleaning anything. If your local ish I would be more than happy to come and pick said dolls house up, clean it and bring it back clean and tidy. OR clean it in your garden if that is not going to cause any problems for you / your DH. PM if you think it might help.

I do know its not a long term solution, or any help with your DH problems etc but at least your DD can use the dolls house them and you dont have to risk chemicals / exhaustion when your pregant.

AgentZigzag Wed 07-May-14 16:34:39

I've had OCD all my life and I hope my post doesn't come across as harsh, but you and your DD shouldn't be micromanaged with what the OCD is telling him to do.

I know it's never as easy as that, but if there's one thing I'm pretty strict with myself on, it's that make sure I don't coerce other people into being bullied as well by my OCD.

If it's got to the point where it's causing such a problem to you and your DD, then he has no choice but to go to the GP. I can't understand why he hasn't already.

What's the therapist doing with him? Why don't you think they're very good?

I don't think it's possible to ever get rid of it, but it's certainly possible to gain some control over when you obey it and when you tell it to fuck off.

You are your own person and can choose for your DD whether or not she has the playhouse, it's not a decision the OCD should be making. You could say he's her dad and has as much right to say whether she uses it or not, but it's not even him saying that, it's his OCD (although I don't like to separate out the OCD from the person as though they're two entities living in the one body, but it's useful to do it sometimes).

stargirl1701 Wed 07-May-14 16:36:45

Playhouse: ask a friend/family member to come and clean it.

Long term: Talk to your GP and MW. He needs help.

AgentZigzag Wed 07-May-14 16:48:05

'he'll never clean it or let me do it whilst pregnant'

Just reading through your Op again, it's this that makes me most annoyed.

It's not his choice to make!

He can choose for himself, but definitely not for you, but you've got as much say as to whether your DD goes into the playhouse as he has.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to make him more anxious, but he'll be in a state of anxiety regardless of what you choose to do.

I'm probably coming across as a bit unsympathetic <no shit> grin Sorry if I am, especially as I've been treated sympathetically in the past because of my OCD, but you've got to have a will of iron not to let it dictate how you and everyone around you has to live.

SugarMiceInTheRain Wed 07-May-14 17:17:13

Sorry to hear what you are having to deal with. I agree with the others, he has no right to dictate to you what you can and can't do due to his OCD. He needs to seek help from the GP and follow medical advice with regards to the necessary treatment if his condition is affecting others. My sister suffers severely from OCD. It has worsened because she refuses treatment and thinks it will improve if she just avoids facing up to it and succumbs to the compulsions, which of course it won't. She is impossible to live with, has been completely dictated to by it and it has ruined her relationship with several members of the family. Please seek professional advice and support and tell your husband that for the sake of his family he needs to do the same.

FWIW I cleaned and painted all kinds of things whilst pregnant with each of my children and it is perfectly safe to do so, just wear gloves when cleaning animal faeces! Please don't feel guilty about doing something which is fine for pregnant women.

gildedcage Wed 07-May-14 19:30:40

Sorry have no real advice. My partner has OCD...but his intrusive thoughts relate to relationships and making compulsive confessions. Just wanted to give you a bit of moral support really.

I'm curious about his therapist is it possible to find someone else. Has he had some CBT? I've also been advised to go to the GP which I fully intend to do...I'm being controlled by his OCD. Its so hard to explain to someone outside how insidious these thoughts become and how they effect your life and relationship.

I second what someone else suggested...I do think you should speak with your midwife because they may be able to get both of you the proper help rather than this token therapist. Good luck. Thinking of you.

DocDaneeka Wed 07-May-14 21:14:52

I agree with the others, there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't clean the house if you want to, and if you can be arsed. I plucked, gutted and prepped about 5 brace of pheasant for the freezer when I was 5 months pg ( gift from a Gamekeeper - free food smile )

Definitely work on not letting his illness dictate your actions.

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