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Tonight my husband will leave me.

(40 Posts)
Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 07:43:26

I was badly sexually abused as a child to the point I disassociated from the event. However at age 13 i developed scizoaffective disorder. When manic or depressed I remembered the abuse and my psychosis acted on it for example when depressed I am scared to leave the house believeing everyone is trying to rape me and I have hallucinations of being raped by different people (not always human) I can feel touch and smell them when they are raping me.

When manic I believe my blood is poisoned and God speaks to me that I am the angel of darkness and any abusive man to see or touch my body will be punished. So I've just come down from a manic episode.

During which I had a six month affair I was beaten and raped during the process. I became addicted to drugs and slept with a dealer for drugs. I also found a online man to sext who was into Sado masachism and liked me to hurt myself which I did as I believed he would be severely punished.

I did all these things with the belief these men would be punished by god as I was so special.

Now I've come down and come home and tonight I have to confess that not only did I sleep with two men and sext a third but I am also addicted to drugs. He is going to kick me out and I deserve it I can't believe what I have done.

My hcp say I should not tell him but I can't live a lie he deserves the truth and the opportunity to leave me.

I'm just scared for my kids I don't want to be a single mum when I get so mentally I'll that I know they will end up caring for me if I tell him. I don't want to do this I just want to commit suicide so I don't have to see the look on his face and then my kids can stay with their dad as I'll be gone.

Selfdisgusted Sun 04-May-14 05:30:50

Lovely bath I have a care plan however as I had a young bf baby when it was made my wishes were quite explicit that I do not wish to be admitted. I'll ask for it to be updated.

Nilgiri Sat 03-May-14 21:57:25

Glad to here things are in motion. Been thinking of you today. thanks

LovelyBath Sat 03-May-14 21:46:19

Can you ask your care co-ordinator to set up a crisis plan for you in case this happens again? Guidance for your partner and you, quick access to meds etc. It might help you to move on from this x

Selfdisgusted Sat 03-May-14 07:24:37

Thanks both when I spoke to the on duty officer she has referred me for counselling so hopefully that will help.

feathermucker Sat 03-May-14 01:07:40

I don't know what to say, but didn't want to ignore.

I hope things work out for you thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks

Swoopdewoop Sat 03-May-14 00:56:43

It sounds like there is a lot of love between you, OP. Wishing you all the very best for the future. xx

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 21:10:26

Thank you yes it is a good start.

Nilgiri Fri 02-May-14 21:08:50

It's a good start, isn't it? Very well done.

Wishing you both lots of strength for the coming days.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 20:51:01

Thanks nil girl well he hasn't kicked me out so that's a start and he is still gonna sleep in the same bed so that's good news.

PartialFancy Fri 02-May-14 17:59:21

So sorry, wrong thread.

Nilgiri Fri 02-May-14 17:55:21

<holds self's hand>

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 17:37:21

I told him he is very angry at me.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope Fri 02-May-14 16:14:03

Self, I have no experience or help just love and best wishes for the future. Good luck. Xxx

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 14:39:39

Yes I'm back on my meds.

BreakingDad77 Fri 02-May-14 14:21:29

Are you back on your drugs? from personal experience of a ex partner who'd come off then gone manic, restarting their lithium can be problematic too till the levels are back up and she needed drugs to bridge this gap.

Fingers crossed you get appointment.

PartialFancy Fri 02-May-14 11:49:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

doorbellringer Fri 02-May-14 11:01:50

Now we know more of your situation, I now second everything bathroomdramas and musicalendorphins say. They seem to have the most sensible views. Still sending you hugs and strength. Take care of yourself self

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 10:27:33

Thank you yes I think admittance would help but I know they won't.

musicalendorphins2 Fri 02-May-14 10:01:33

Do you think that you could be helped if had a hospital stay? Then you could have some medications to calm you and someone could help you deal with emotional fallout after you tell him, once you are a bit calmer and stronger. You can let your husband have primary custody and you be there as much as you can while you are feeling well. He sounds like he has tried very hard to help you, remember that. He wants you well, he knows you are ill.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:29:01

I keep having flashes of the things I've done and vomiting.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:18:14

Call me not see me.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:15:04

He is not in today they are gonna get someone else to see me.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:04:59

I'm phoning my psychiatrist now.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:04:40

Thank you so much bathroom drama.

BathroomDrama Fri 02-May-14 08:58:47

Talk to him - he sounds like a good bloke. Tell him how ill you were, how you felt during the 'episode' etc, get as much outside help as you can. Tell him how much you love & appreciate him - and talk to him about this 'online friend' - they might not be a friend of your relationship sad and hopefully you can work this out together.

Of course there may come a time when he just can't cope with anything else and that will be very hard & sad, but I am sure he would understand the need for him to be the main carer for your children whilst enabling you to have a good relationship with them.

Please phone around today, talk to as many people as you can, get as much help in place as you can - show him how you are trying to help yourself as well and that you are sorry - not for being ill, but for the impact it has on him & the children.

If I could get my hands on the person/people who abused you as a child I'd do time for it sad x

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