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Tonight my husband will leave me.

(40 Posts)
Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 07:43:26

I was badly sexually abused as a child to the point I disassociated from the event. However at age 13 i developed scizoaffective disorder. When manic or depressed I remembered the abuse and my psychosis acted on it for example when depressed I am scared to leave the house believeing everyone is trying to rape me and I have hallucinations of being raped by different people (not always human) I can feel touch and smell them when they are raping me.

When manic I believe my blood is poisoned and God speaks to me that I am the angel of darkness and any abusive man to see or touch my body will be punished. So I've just come down from a manic episode.

During which I had a six month affair I was beaten and raped during the process. I became addicted to drugs and slept with a dealer for drugs. I also found a online man to sext who was into Sado masachism and liked me to hurt myself which I did as I believed he would be severely punished.

I did all these things with the belief these men would be punished by god as I was so special.

Now I've come down and come home and tonight I have to confess that not only did I sleep with two men and sext a third but I am also addicted to drugs. He is going to kick me out and I deserve it I can't believe what I have done.

My hcp say I should not tell him but I can't live a lie he deserves the truth and the opportunity to leave me.

I'm just scared for my kids I don't want to be a single mum when I get so mentally I'll that I know they will end up caring for me if I tell him. I don't want to do this I just want to commit suicide so I don't have to see the look on his face and then my kids can stay with their dad as I'll be gone.

BreakingDad77 Fri 02-May-14 14:21:29

Are you back on your drugs? from personal experience of a ex partner who'd come off then gone manic, restarting their lithium can be problematic too till the levels are back up and she needed drugs to bridge this gap.

Fingers crossed you get appointment.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 14:39:39

Yes I'm back on my meds.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope Fri 02-May-14 16:14:03

Self, I have no experience or help just love and best wishes for the future. Good luck. Xxx

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 17:37:21

I told him he is very angry at me.

Nilgiri Fri 02-May-14 17:55:21

<holds self's hand>

PartialFancy Fri 02-May-14 17:59:21

So sorry, wrong thread.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 20:51:01

Thanks nil girl well he hasn't kicked me out so that's a start and he is still gonna sleep in the same bed so that's good news.

Nilgiri Fri 02-May-14 21:08:50

It's a good start, isn't it? Very well done.

Wishing you both lots of strength for the coming days.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 21:10:26

Thank you yes it is a good start.

Swoopdewoop Sat 03-May-14 00:56:43

It sounds like there is a lot of love between you, OP. Wishing you all the very best for the future. xx

feathermucker Sat 03-May-14 01:07:40

I don't know what to say, but didn't want to ignore.

I hope things work out for you thanks thanks thanks thanks thanks

Selfdisgusted Sat 03-May-14 07:24:37

Thanks both when I spoke to the on duty officer she has referred me for counselling so hopefully that will help.

LovelyBath Sat 03-May-14 21:46:19

Can you ask your care co-ordinator to set up a crisis plan for you in case this happens again? Guidance for your partner and you, quick access to meds etc. It might help you to move on from this x

Nilgiri Sat 03-May-14 21:57:25

Glad to here things are in motion. Been thinking of you today. thanks

Selfdisgusted Sun 04-May-14 05:30:50

Lovely bath I have a care plan however as I had a young bf baby when it was made my wishes were quite explicit that I do not wish to be admitted. I'll ask for it to be updated.

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