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Tonight my husband will leave me.

(40 Posts)
Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 07:43:26

I was badly sexually abused as a child to the point I disassociated from the event. However at age 13 i developed scizoaffective disorder. When manic or depressed I remembered the abuse and my psychosis acted on it for example when depressed I am scared to leave the house believeing everyone is trying to rape me and I have hallucinations of being raped by different people (not always human) I can feel touch and smell them when they are raping me.

When manic I believe my blood is poisoned and God speaks to me that I am the angel of darkness and any abusive man to see or touch my body will be punished. So I've just come down from a manic episode.

During which I had a six month affair I was beaten and raped during the process. I became addicted to drugs and slept with a dealer for drugs. I also found a online man to sext who was into Sado masachism and liked me to hurt myself which I did as I believed he would be severely punished.

I did all these things with the belief these men would be punished by god as I was so special.

Now I've come down and come home and tonight I have to confess that not only did I sleep with two men and sext a third but I am also addicted to drugs. He is going to kick me out and I deserve it I can't believe what I have done.

My hcp say I should not tell him but I can't live a lie he deserves the truth and the opportunity to leave me.

I'm just scared for my kids I don't want to be a single mum when I get so mentally I'll that I know they will end up caring for me if I tell him. I don't want to do this I just want to commit suicide so I don't have to see the look on his face and then my kids can stay with their dad as I'll be gone.

MissMarplesBloomers Fri 02-May-14 07:49:10

self I have nothing I can say of practical help but this is one of the saddest posts I have ever read.

Mental Health issues are bastards, I hope you are getting the acute help you need not just counseling.

((Gentle hugs)) if you like them , hand holding if not.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 07:54:03

Thank you very much I'm just devastated that I'm going to lose my husband.

Nilgiri Fri 02-May-14 08:03:19

Oh self, I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

How well does your DH usually cope with your manic episodes? He may well be very distressed that you've been so hurt.

Would it work to not go into the details today? And just tell him that you've done bad things and feel ashamed, but the episode is now over?

doorbellringer Fri 02-May-14 08:06:25

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think you are a victim here and those terrible people took advantage in the worst way. It sounds like you have been failed terribly but your medical care- why didn't they try to help you in those six months? Where did your dh think you were-why didn't he try to get you back or perhaps he did- I obviously don't know.
Sending you hugs, admittedly I don't know where this will leave you with dh. You poor person going through this, him too.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 08:11:33

I was coming home for short periods of time he tried to convince me not to leave and would take me up crisis where I wouldn't tell them I was doing all this. I lied and they just didn't listen to him. He asked on over ten occasions for me to be sectioned.

Sadly they kept saying that as the local unit is closed down last year. They now have half the beds two hours away. That the unit is full of drug addicts and she will likely come out worse than she is. They also said I wasn't a danger to myself or others.

Nilgiri Fri 02-May-14 08:15:09

It probably will be useful to tell him about the addiction (shortly), so he can support you as work on that.

And obvs you need to get tested for STIs before contemplating sex.

As MissMarple said, MH issues are utter bastards.

Nilgiri Fri 02-May-14 08:17:06

x-posted.

He's obviously on your side, then, and hurting that you're hurting.

((hugs)) for both of you.

BathroomDrama Fri 02-May-14 08:18:55

Oh my love sad

How much of your past does your DH already know about?

I would hope that if I was your DH my primary concern would be for you, that as much as I would hate what has happened I would see it as something awful that happened to you, not something awful you have done.

You say you have 'come home' - where have you been and for how long? Where did your husband and children think you were and didn't any of them notice how ill you were?

If your husband can't cope and needs to separate with you, then IMO he needs to keep the children. You aren't well enough to have that responsibility sad (sorry x)

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 08:19:00

Thank you.

doorbellringer Fri 02-May-14 08:20:11

Then I was right, you were failed terribly by medical care. My heart goes out to you. I hope you can get past this and recover, somehow.
As pp poster said, could you consider not filling in all the blanks when telling dh, and in time you can forgive yourself and move past it. Think you should get yourself to STI clinic, sorry I know you probably don't want to consider that but it's necessary.

BathroomDrama Fri 02-May-14 08:20:59

x-posted.

Jesus wept - is this what mental health care has come to in this country sad

You have to go and be honest with someone who can help, someone who can get you the care you need.

It sounds like your DH would support you through that - why do you think he will leave you? (more of your 'issue' than actuality maybe - I hope x).

BathroomDrama Fri 02-May-14 08:23:10

Personally I don't think you should avoid telling your DH anything - he needs to know how badly you have been treat, he needs to know what you have suffered during this time, so that he can help you through it. You both need to be tested. I just want to hug you and keep you safe, I hope he will feel the same, it sounds as though he will.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 08:29:14

Thank you when I went missing I was with the guy I had the affair with. I would go to his place and sleep there. My mum or partner would be looking after the kids.

My husband also got confused as a online friend kept telling him I was leaving and abusive and he has anxiety issues. So he was unsure if his friend was right or if I was I'll.

Nilgiri Fri 02-May-14 08:34:14

So you can help both of you by reassuring him that you were ill, that you were acting on your delusions, and that those have gone now the episode is over.

My heart goes out to both of you.

BathroomDrama Fri 02-May-14 08:58:47

Talk to him - he sounds like a good bloke. Tell him how ill you were, how you felt during the 'episode' etc, get as much outside help as you can. Tell him how much you love & appreciate him - and talk to him about this 'online friend' - they might not be a friend of your relationship sad and hopefully you can work this out together.

Of course there may come a time when he just can't cope with anything else and that will be very hard & sad, but I am sure he would understand the need for him to be the main carer for your children whilst enabling you to have a good relationship with them.

Please phone around today, talk to as many people as you can, get as much help in place as you can - show him how you are trying to help yourself as well and that you are sorry - not for being ill, but for the impact it has on him & the children.

If I could get my hands on the person/people who abused you as a child I'd do time for it sad x

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:04:40

Thank you so much bathroom drama.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:04:59

I'm phoning my psychiatrist now.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:15:04

He is not in today they are gonna get someone else to see me.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:18:14

Call me not see me.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 09:29:01

I keep having flashes of the things I've done and vomiting.

musicalendorphins2 Fri 02-May-14 10:01:33

Do you think that you could be helped if had a hospital stay? Then you could have some medications to calm you and someone could help you deal with emotional fallout after you tell him, once you are a bit calmer and stronger. You can let your husband have primary custody and you be there as much as you can while you are feeling well. He sounds like he has tried very hard to help you, remember that. He wants you well, he knows you are ill.

Selfdisgusted Fri 02-May-14 10:27:33

Thank you yes I think admittance would help but I know they won't.

doorbellringer Fri 02-May-14 11:01:50

Now we know more of your situation, I now second everything bathroomdramas and musicalendorphins say. They seem to have the most sensible views. Still sending you hugs and strength. Take care of yourself self

PartialFancy Fri 02-May-14 11:49:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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