Feeling guilty and scared w a worried/resentful dh

[googlet]

Namechanged to try and avoid recognition...

To cut a long story short, I have been depressed on and off for basically all my life. I also suffer from bulimia. My last bad breakdown was around 2months ago when i seriously considered suicide. I haven't rely recovered, and feel exhausted all the time.

I'm a sahm to ds(4) who goes to nursery for 3hours each morning. Dh takes him as I just can't do mornings and get stressed about trying to avoid altercations and bad feelings on the way to nursery (ds doesn't always want to go cheerfully, or will do weird things like ignoring other children who greet him, which makes me feel embarrassed) -I know I'm being overcautious/paranoid and silly, but can't stop being stressed. Since I lost a close friend who took an unjustified dislike with my ds U'm even worse -think that everyone hates us.

DH is self-employed and works from home. Since my breakdown happened, he is getting very little work done, so is stressed and worried about money (we are renting and have no savings). He says he can't concentrate on a task or even begin anything more complicated ir lengthy, as he will invariably be interrupted by ds hammering on his door,because I have gone to bed and fallen asleep in the afternoon, and then can't get up until after ds's bedtime. I have previously told dh to either ignore ds who will then have to come and raise me forcefully, or just work somewhere out of the house, so I dint have any other choice than take care of poor longsuffering ds. Because I just cannot self-motivate at the moment and feel massively guilty and exhausted all the time. Dh has ignored my advice, as he is sympathetic when i tell him i am feeling awful, but niw he is resentful and scared that he us getting no work dobe. Told him again today to just not listen to me and bugger off to a library or something. I think he got it this time, but he is also to blame as he is such a ditherer and procrastinator, so has probably found it easy to dumo the blame squarely on me.

I am on meds and waiting for psychotherapy appointment sometime in the next year - don't really know what I am asking here. Maybe just some shoulders to cry on. I feel life is very unfair and sometimes I even wish I had some "real" serious illness. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so guilty and people would be more understanding and sympathetic.

Sorry this is so long and confused.

[LastingLight]

Depression is a real, serious illness. Have you been on the meds for 2 months? You should be starting to feel better, please go back to your gp for a checkup.

Can you try to get into a routine with ds for the afternoon? One day arrange a play date, another day go to the park or for a walk, one day to the library. Ask DH to help you draw up a loose schedule for every day, e.g.
12:00 DS gets home, give snack
13:00 Read with ds / play blocks / build puzzles
14:00 Outside activity
15:00 Craft activity - paint / clay / beads
16:00 Snack

Then get DH to help you with the transitions, e.g. he can come out of his office at 14:00 and tell DS that mom is going to take him to the park, he must get his shoes and coat.

Being a good mom when you're depressed is really, really hard so don't beat yourself up over the problems you have. Children's need for attention feel so relentless when you have no internal resources. I have twice gone to bed and slept straight through the time I was supposed to collect dd from school. She will never let me forget that. Can you set an alarm, or more than one if you do go and lie down in the afternoon? Then tell ds he must play by himself until the alarm goes off and then come and wake you.

Is there anybody who can take ds for a couple of hours now and again so that you can have a break?

[LastingLight]

Of course you still have normal day to day things to do so you don't have to feel you must entertain ds all the time. Get him involved in doing things... he can empty bathroom bins, load clothes in the washing machine, stir a pot under close supervision.

[googlet]

Thanks Lasting!

Good ideas. I'm not sure if I can work even to a loose schedule atm, even though I know it would be beneficial. The mere thought makes me feel stressed. However, I do try to do something fun with DS every day. He is fussy, sensitive and particular (and stubborn as hell), so activities are somewhat limited. He prefers staying home to going to the park or a playdate (he is embarrassingly prone to firmly stating that "he wants to go home now" soon after we arrive, if toys are inferior or if the host child isn't playing the way he'd like to) and, so, if he has been to nursery (they play out for at least an hour every day), we most often stay at home for the rest of the day. As he is not self-motivated about going out (and I have to practically drag him our or bribe him to go), often I'm just not up to being the cheery "motivator" he needs. I'd rather leave it, than grit my teeth and then flip out at poor DS about something minor.

I should really get him more involved in chores, but, again, often he needs to be bribed/threatened to do them, so he ends up doing relatively little (tidying up toys, helping with washing paint brushes in the sink, loading the washing machine, helping with baking (and eating half the dough), dusting, and occasional things like mopping, gardening, window washing, washing the plastic wendy house). He tends to watch telly and play games on the kindle for a lot of the day, because I can't muster up any energy to either play the energetic games he likes (hide and seek, chase) or fly around a bloody die cast aeroplane (or similar).

Gosh - all I do is moan and moan. I just want to sleep the days away and feel guilty about what a useless millstone I am to DH and what a horrible mum I am to poor DS. I should have known I would be a terrible mother, but I can't put him back. God knows during the first 2 years of his life I would have rather been pregnant forever than ever face the reality of parenting a grumpy, fussy baby.

[LastingLight]

Moan away, that's what the internet is for. It sounds as if you have a not-so-easy 4 year old there. They also react to our emotional state, my dd pushes my buttons mercilessly when I'm not well. The list of chores your ds gets involved in is actually quite impressive for his age, I think you're doing ok there.

I more than once told DH that DD deserves so much better than me (her birth mother died when she was 2 and then she got crazy me). So DH said to me "Maybe she deserves better, but we're the parents that she has and we need to make the best of it". That helped somewhat. You are not a terrible mother, you are one who is ill and needs help. Please go back to your doc, it sounds as if your meds are not doing their job.

[LastingLight]

Did you have PND?

I understand about not having the energy to play hide and seek or cars, I do. But if you can get yourself to try, set a timer to go off 10 minutes later and tell ds when the timer goes off you're going to stop and do something else. Can you maybe sit in the passage and race cars? He can crawl or run and fetch the cars so that you can start again, so you don't have to move around. Ditto playing skittles, with toilet rolls or cooldrink bottles if you don't have anything else. Just trying to think of activities that can keep him busy and moving but won't require too much from you. I hope this helps.

[googlet]

Thanks so much again Lasting, for the sympathetic "ear"! Yes, DS is hard work, but also G&T (taught himself to read at just turned 3), so might be sort of borderline Aspergers (sometimes seems like it to me, although nursery, nor anyone else, has such concerns).

I had very bad PND. I was near psychotic in the beginning. I was living a nightmare and I think I am still not ok with what happened and what a huge change having a baby was to me - all the sleep-deprivation, constant fussiness, etc. I still look at pregnant women and feel pity/relief it's not me. I also look at well-functioning families, especially ones with more than one child, and wonder how on earth they do it. How I must be extremely defective, stupid and lazy to be struggling with one DS when people have 3, 4, 5 children and are coping and completely happy about it.

I do try and break up the day every hour or two with 10 or more minutes, up to an hour or so, of playing with something that DS likes. Problem is that he wants me fully involved and fetching cars etc. not lying on the ground. He can get a bit lazy about that and refuse to play if I don't do a lot of the running around, righting skittles, building, etc. His fine motor skills are a bit delayed and he gets frustrated easily. So, most of the time he asks me to build things, and will refuse to try himself- whiny voice: "But I can't do it!!! You do it!!" Hardly enjoyable..

Moan, moan, moan.. I think you're right about the fact that he is on his worst behaviour when I feel the shittest. I have screamed at him very scarily at times, but now I tend to avoid activities and situations where I know there are flash points, and just accept that DS can be awkward and embarrassing. Maybe he will grow out of it. He seems to get nicer with age anyway, and easier to reason with.

Now, I worry about him starting school next year. What with him, for example, having problems with change and separation, him hating and refusing to go to public toilets (so he is bound to wet himself at school and be that smelly child) and his fear/disgust of small buttons (school uniform has a button up polo shirt).

Ah, the worries never stop..

[LastingLight]

I think that some of those families with multiple children who look so happy are like ducks - serene on the surface but paddling like mad below where you can't see. You are definitely not extremely defective, stupid and lazy. You are ill and you have a challenging child, cut yourself some slack. Apart from getting help for yourself, would it be possible to get some help for ds? It sounds as if starting school might be really difficult for him and it would be useful if you can learn some strategies for helping him.

[googlet]

Hi Lasting. Sorry I've not replied earlier - have not gotten back to you earlier. Wasn't up feeling up to doing very much at all for a couple of days. Was in withdrawal (and still am) from codeine addiction. Wasn't ever using that much, and only for my migraines, but got addicted still.

I know many families and mothers are probably struggling even though they look that they are perfect, but still.. I don't know.

Funnily enough, I have a background in psychology, so have a working knowledge of what kinds of strategies I can employ with DS. I have lots of them already in place. Some of them are quite intuitive and involve a lot of distraction, so DH doesn't seem to be able to implement them, as well as I do, so ends up in a lot more fights with DS. This is another source of stress, as I feel like I am always the one who ultimately has to step in to e.g. get DS to put his clothes on and give up his tablet before pre-school and get out of the door in a cheerful mood. If DH does all this alone, he ends up forcefully dressing DS and dragging him to school while he screams that he "doesn't want to go".

I could use fresh ideas for DS's behaviour, but I think a lot of the problems are just due to his stubborn, sensitive and rather introverted personality. And I expect that he will become easier to handle and negotiate with when he matures, but in the meantime it can be very stressful to me when out and about and with other people, especially other (sameish age) children, when DS and other child are expected to play together.

[LastingLight]

Maybe the value of counselling will be to have an outsider give your husband some perspective.

[JellyMould]

Hi googlet, I came on to the mental health board to see how others with depression were managing and I feel a bond with you! I also have a 4 yo who can be hard work and socially awkward at times, thought he's a lot better than he was a year ago (he's nearly 5). I also look at other parents and families and wonder how they do it. I suspect that many of them just worry less about stuff though. Does that make sense?

With your DS if you suspect Aspergers then maybe some strategies with that in mind might help - a visual timetable for the day, very clear rules and planning etc. but I'd also say you probably get the tired whingy behaviour after he's been well behaved at preschool.

Doesn't the fact that you can manage him better than others show that you are doing a good job?

Most of all have a hug :hug:

[googlet]

Hi there Jelly!

It's hard, isn't it. After I lost my good friend over DS's behaviour and my handling of it about 2 years ago, I've lost all confidence, even though I know she was in the wrong and basically went a bit silly after having her DC. So, I'm contantly analysing things and paranoid about any encounters with other parents and children. So I tend to avoid playdates as a rule. Also can't go to other kids' birthday parties with DS as he won't go in at all.

I don't know about the aspergers. I think he might be very borderline, but I wish I hada lable for him to excuse his awkward behaviour..

You don't live in Scotland, do you..? Our DS's could be awkward together

Also, thanks again , Lasting. I know why DH is so stressed - he needs to work pretty much around the clock to keep us afloat and if I'm having a bad day and bedbound, he really can't handle it. I don't blame him. Wish things were different..