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Just putting it somewhere

(105 Posts)
Jecede Mon 21-Apr-14 23:26:47

Tomorrow I'm going to end my life I've been planning it all week. Everyone has said how much better I'm looking and doing, but the calm is all down to me knowing there's an end point where I don't have to go beyond.
I have a plan and a back up plan in case it goes wrong.
This post is incredibly self indulgent, but no one knows and I suppose I needed to put it down somewhere.
It's pointless saying to contact MH services and so on, as I don't actually want to be stopped and besides, you say anything and they don't take it seriously anyway. You can't really mean it if you're telling them.
I've made sure everything is in order. No one suspects a thing. My head's not clouded with pills and for the first time in a long time, everything is clear and calm. I'm just totally at peace with the whole thing.
I've written very clear notes and instructions to everyone who matters or needs them. While there's no way of making it better, I can make it easier.
There's not really much else to say really, is there. The world is not a bad place, I just don't have the energy to do it anymore.

stardusty5 Tue 22-Apr-14 00:17:40

You're not pathetic, Jecede.

You can be happy again. You can change what is making you feel so hopeless.

Please don't do this.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:18:12

well I think you needing to tell someone says it all.

you have started talking about your life to someone

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:18:55

It's not pathetic.
Do you have kids? How old are you?

Do you want to share the details of your plans?

I feel like I want to caution you against all the horrible things that could happen, but I suppose you will have thought it all through already.

I am upset for the person who will find you sad

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 00:20:43

It's not pathetic, it smacks to me as one last gasp attempt to get someone to try and kick you back into some rational thinking!
It affects no one on here, not really but your family, those who love and care for you will live the rest of their lives with all the iffs and butts it will be them suffering not you sweets, youll be six foot under sad

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:22:08

Do you want anything from us tonight Jecede?

Hand holding, general chat, talking out of it? Anything x

scotswoman Tue 22-Apr-14 00:28:27

Jecede, the only thing I can say to you is that you will leave others in your life feeling as bad as you do now if you follow through on this. Is that what you want for them? If not then please rethink and take some of the other advice on this thread. I hope for you OH, family and friends sakes that you do.

Is not putting them into suffering not enough to think about living for?

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:29:30

Yes, I understand what can go wrong, which is why I've planned so carefully and why, although easier, the back up plan is only the back up as I'd be more likely to be found by someone who knows me.

I don't know what I want from this. I didn't know what I wanted before I even started writing.

Yes I have family and friends. Good ones. I know this is such a selfish thing to do. It makes me feel worse that even knowing that isn't enough any more. Fucking, fucking bipolar. It just never goes away.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:29:48

its ok to talk this through

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 00:32:30

It's been an hour since you wrote this post. Which means you have got through an hour. Can we help you get through the next one?

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 00:32:57

I'm going now. I need to at least try to sleep and think about this.
You've been kind, thank you.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:33:28

Jecede, the thing is, you being gone will never go away if that makes sense.

You are suffering with bipolar (and I can't imagine so please forgive me if I don't get things right), but so so many people will suffer if you do this.

Please please follow your safety plan. There will always be another day to end your life. That will literally always be an option for you.

Don't make it tomorrow.

nonameisgoodname Tue 22-Apr-14 00:34:00

If it's helpful you can text the samaritians. Their number is on the website. They're brilliant. Sleep well

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 00:35:28

I hope you can sleep. I'm going to say a wee prayer for you tonight. My daughter died two years ago and I like to think she looks down on me. I'm going to ask her to look down on you.

If you change your mind, please post tomorrow. I would love to know you had another day.

There is always going to be someone for you to talk to somewhere. And there will always be a chance that as long as you are living, things will get better. Don't take that chance away x

FriendlyFeatures Tue 22-Apr-14 00:35:53

Call someone in the morning, have a good honest talk about your plans, this state of mind is worrying.
Just give life one last try, crisis team, shrink whoever, please for your sake, life can be worth living again honestly, sometimes it just takes a hell of alot for us to realise this.

BagOfBags Tue 22-Apr-14 00:38:58

A good friend of mine killed himself 10 years ago. If I'd have known he was planning it I would have said this.

Please, try to hang on for even if it's just another day. Things can, and do, get better. I know that if my friend were still alive he would be in a better place now.
Please keep talking to us.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 00:39:43

sleep well and think well. I will be thinking of you jecede.

I very much hope to see you post tomorrow.

PricillaQueenOfTheDessert Tue 22-Apr-14 00:40:53

Jecede, please post and tell us you didn't do it. Life sucks, it does, but you can get through it. Don't do this to those who love you, pull back for them please because no matter how bad you feel, they love you.

scotswoman Tue 22-Apr-14 00:46:01

Have you tried lithium? I know it is at the extreme end of treatments but it looks like you are at a place where it's not out of order. I have a family member with biploar who has been on it for about 14 years now and although she still has slight ups and downs now and then she is very much on an even keel the vast majority of the time, tells me she has found enjoyment in many areas of her life and happily takes it as she doesn't seem to suffer the same 'fuzziness' she did on other medication.

PricillaQueenOfTheDessert Tue 22-Apr-14 00:54:37

Jecede, I think you have a baby? I'm guessing from what you have posted that you are bipolar and have a baby? Are you suffering from PND? This doesn't last forever, please don't leave your baby to grow up without you. Focus on your child and his/her future, his/her future will be imesurably better with you in no matter now you feel now, please don't do this - for your baby's future welfare.

slithytove Tue 22-Apr-14 07:56:53

I hope you slept ok Jecede and have woken up with a different outlook. Really hope you post today x

CreAmyEggMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 22-Apr-14 09:22:28

Hi Jecede,

We're so sorry to hear you're feeling like this. There are plenty of people you can get in touch with who might be able to offer some help. Our webguide has a list of these organisations.

We hope things are looking a little brighter this morning thanks.

CheesyBadger Tue 22-Apr-14 09:34:37

Morning Jecede.

andsmile Tue 22-Apr-14 09:35:55

Morning jecede if you are reading this i means you got through the night. Thinking of you. Keep going tiny teeny steps each minute.

Jecede Tue 22-Apr-14 10:03:10

Thank you. I am stil here. I have everything ready.
I either call services or I put stuff in action.
What if I call and they do nothing.
Then it will be worse than if I didn't.
Im thinkking it through.

SatansFurryJamHats Tue 22-Apr-14 10:25:24

Call them. If they do nothing go to A&E.

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