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feel so alone - sorry its a long one

(9 Posts)
wheresthelight Mon 24-Mar-14 23:40:46

Have n/c as no idea if my family use mumsnet

I am probably being neurotic and pathetic as my depression is flaring up a bit at the moment, but lately i am finding my family a PITA to deal with and feeling very isolated.

Ever since DD was born last year my DM has tried to take over everything. And i do mean everything. Day i brought DD home DM practically snatched her out of my arms and insisted she was giving her her first bath. When i quite strongly said no she got really pissy and refused to speak to me. These sort of incidents have continued - DMIL was dying when DD was born so I was taking her to the hospital (40 mile round trip) every other day from DD being 3 days old as we had no idea how much longer DMIL had left. My DM through a complete strop and basically told me i was being a shit parent and was risking DD's life taking her into hospital and i should leave DD with her while i went to visit and DMIL would have to suffice with pictures. She was not happy when I pointed out that if i didn't take DD to see DMIL then I could hardly justify taking her to see DM either.

I may as well not exist. DM fawns all over DD but pretty much blanks me when i go round and she NEVER comes to my house. She refuses to not smoke when i go round with DD, although she does go outside and whilst i have tried to have it out with her it just never sinks in. I have tried to distance myself from her but then i feel guilty.

Dsis has messaged me tonight as i had said earlier that i was feeling down and lonely. the only friends that have bothered with me since DD was born have recently had a bereavement so have been out of circulation for a few weeks. I have been going to baby groups but they are very cliquey and they are all young mums who have clearly known each other for a long time. I have tried to get involved in discussions etc but i have nothing in common with these girls except being a mum and they clearly aren't interested in chatting to the older mum. Dsis knows this but has basically made me feel incredibly shit tonight as it is apparently my fault that i have no life as i need to 'make an effort' - I can't force people to talk to me or be friends with me. And i have made an effort, which is a huge deal for me as my anxiety strikes as a mild form or agoraphobia so even leaving the house and walking into these places has been a real success for me. Dsis is pregnant, and has a lot of friends who are also pregnant. I don't think she has any idea how isolating having a baby can be! All she does is go on and on about her life and who she has seen/been out with, what she has done. I hope she doesn't mean to be such a cow and that once she has her baby she realises just how hard it is, but i cannot help but feel really resentful. Not aided by the fact my DM and Dsis have a great relationship.

DP works nights, when he is at work i do all the care for DD as he is either at work or asleep. He also has his own business so has been doing a lot of work outside of his nights job to try and earn extra to give us some savings but also to pay bills for me as childcare costs make it infeasible to go back to work and my job have already declined part time hours and the local nurseries don't open long enough to cover my hours. A CM would i think but if we are having to 'pay' for me to go out to work then DP doesn't think it is worth it and that i might as well stay home and look after DD - which i agree with and love him dearly for. I don't want to complain about him as he is amazing, but i am on my own so much with only him for adult conversation most days and its so hard. I am not good with my own company. In fact i hate it. I love our new house, but i don't know the area, have no friends here, we moved here so that DP could be nearer his kids so we could have them more often as we are closer to their school. It wouldn't have been my first choice as I cannot stand his ex (i am not OW just to confirm) but it is the right thing for the kids. Doesn't help me feel less isolated though.

I only get Stat Maternity and my exh left me in so much debt that DP is having to take over when my pay runs out next month. He has said he will pay an allowance into my account every month so i can do the food shopping and have a bit for me, but i really don't feel comfortable doing that. He is already going to be paying nearly £200 a month on my debts so i feel awful taking any more off him when he has sacrificed so much of himself in the past - his ex never allowed him to have any time away from the family and he deeply resents that and is desperate to have a life of his own and not just be Dad/DP. He works so hard and is so generous that I don't want to deny him that. But again it means i cannot do anything or go anywhere as i have no money. He puts fuel in my car every week and doesn't begrudge me anything, if i want to go food shopping he gives me his card and never queries what i spend etc and i know if i asked for it he would give me an allowance every month or money to go out if i asked, but i feel awful asking.

None of this is helping me feel any less alone and i hate it. I have spent the last 3 days/nights he has worked crying and watching my phone begging it to ring and for any of my friends to actually be the first to make contact but it doesn't happen. I have tried to contact the few friends who do occasionally message but they are all working/busy so don't want to meet up, not that i can unless it is at theirs or mine as i have no money.

I feel so completely shit and i have no idea what to do or where to turn.

I am not sure why i am posting, i think i just need to say it all somewhere before i crack up.

ChewyGiraffe Tue 25-Mar-14 00:21:05

Don't be too hard on yourself - I'd guess you're doing better than you think. Sounds like you've been kind to your DMIL and more reasonable with DM than she maybe 'deserves' - but good for you. Remember you're DD's mum, so quite right to put your foot down about the smoking. When your Dsis has her baby, maybe that'll bring you closer?

I know its easy to feel isolated as an 'older' mum - being older myself I have to tell myself that the age issue is bigger in my own mind than anyone elses. FWIW I think you've done brilliantly getting out to baby groups - keep at it, maybe find some different groups, but please try to persevere, there's bound to be mums you click with somewhere! Our local baby clinic has leaflets on various baby/playgroups, the one's at Sure Start centres and the like are usually free (or really cheap) - so maybe you could find something that way?

Don't feel awful taking money from your DP/baby's dad - he's offered it (and so presumably can afford it). DP needs you to be a good mum, take baby out etc - and to do that you need to take care of you a little bit. You do yourself no favours if you're stuck in all the time!

Please persevere with your friends too - text them again or whatever. Who knows, just as you're assuming they're busy / working, they're probably thinking you're busy with your new baby ...

And don't take this the wrong way, but PND happens to the best of us, so if you are feeling depressed, maybe its time for a little chat with your GP? Can't hurt surely.

wheresthelight Tue 25-Mar-14 00:35:17

I wish it was bigger in my head chewey but it's a bit hard to dismiss when they are sniggering and making comments that are clearly aimed at me (I'm not just being paranoid I promise)! The surestart centres here don't really run baby groups only the weight clinics. They have a few toys out but only cos the queue is so long! And now dd doesn't need weighing every month I don't need to go.

I have looked into groups but they all cost a bomb round here as they are privately run. Only things that seem to be run free are the 16-24 young mum's groups or the breastfeeding ones and I couldn't Breast feed so again isolated and treated like a heathen for bottle feeding - even my hv is a bitch about it!

Dsis and I have never been close, she is younger than me and can do no wrong! She announced 2 days beforedd's ffirst Christmas that she was pregnant so the whole focus was on her instead of dd which really pissed me off.

I go out of my way to stay I'm touch with friends, I text or ring amd get nothing, have tried facebook and said Ohh we need a catch up been ages and they just ignore it or say they are busy and will be I'm touch and then never fo so o text again and get same response. So they clearly aren't interested these days.

As for money, I know you are right but I feel awful. His ex destroyed him with demands of the sahp lifestyle to the point he did something he shouldn't have and got into a lot of trouble with the police and that still has a massive impact so I would hate to out pressure on him and cause him to relapse.

It's not pnd buy it is depression but I can't say anything to anyone. The hv is already being a bitch amd accusing me of overfeeding and telling me dd is overweight, she will have SS involved in a flash if the diagnose pnd or relapsing depression

ChewyGiraffe Tue 25-Mar-14 10:54:21

I don't know what to say other than I hope you find a way through this somehow. Don't drop your friends - try to stay in touch and hope you catch up with them properly soon. Sister's eh? But hope things improve when her baby comes ...

Whatever went on with your DP's ex is in the past and nothing to do with you. Please see that if you take your DP up on his kind offer of an allowance that is not putting pressure on him. There's a massive gap between accepting what he offers and what his ex did. Start by identifying one or two things you'd like money for (e.g. one or two groups, whatever ...) and talk to him. He sounds like he's on your side.

Have you tried thefamilygrapevine.co.uk/

They say "Our free local Family Grapevine phonebooks are packed with information for families and businesses. They help you find places to go, things to do, helplines, antenatal groups, toddler groups, childcare, education, parties and lots more..."

I picked up the magazine for our local area for free (from the HV actually) but you can access stuff online or they'll send you a paper copy for a couple of quid I think. I'm sure there must be some more free / low cost stuff near you - its just finding it!

I still think a good place to start is your GP - honestly if you feel you are depressed please don't overlook it - there are no medals for trying to soldier on on your own. Maybe you could ask for a different HV if you don't see eye to eye with the one you have? And / or tell your GP that you want any diagnosis they might make to be in confidence - NOT shared with the HV - surely GP has to respect that?????? But in any case, even if HV did know about a diagnosis of depression, I can't imagine they'd refer to SS just because of that - SS would be overrun with referrals!! In fact, I have some personal experience - I had (albeit mild) PND, which the HV knew about (probably because I told her) and no one went near SS. Your DD being baby chubby isn't a reason either - and FWIW I reckon far better chubby than underweight at this age, so just ignore HV if she's snidey.

Chin up thanks

wheresthelight Tue 25-Mar-14 11:11:40

Thanks hun and I know you are right but guess pride getting in the way of accepting dp offer!!

Dd isn't chubby though! She is 7 months and just under 16lb my friends ds is 8 weeks and 14lb and born at same weight as dd! My hv just hates the fact I ff and the fact I suffered with depression prior to pregnancy, she has told me so much shit and had me worried sick til I broke down at gp and told her everything but nothing been done about hv. With the move I will get a new one anyway so just hoping she is nicer!!

I spoke to he's at weight clinic about groups but there aren't any here, have to sign up for private ones which cost a bomb but will have a look at your link thanks

SilverStars Tue 25-Mar-14 12:30:01

Hi local children's centres run free groups and most big churches run non-religious play groups/mum and toddler groups that are usually only £1 or similar each week. Can you look for those?

Regarding work, when your do is 3 you can get a set number of hours free childcare so could return to work then perhaps. Have you already done the maths - is childcare a day more than your salary? Some jobs also have pensions so whist not making much money longer term it can helps plus some people like working and getting some space etc. some do not. May be worth looking for other part-time jobs in the meantime, if they exist?

wheresthelight Tue 25-Mar-14 19:05:04

Ho silver, have tried the church playgroup but it is heavily religious and whilst we have dd christened I don't enjoy having it shoved down my throat. And as I have stated the local centres don't run baby groups only weigh in groups unless you are 16-24.

We have looked at everything possible regards my returning to work but till free nursery places kick in childcare costs are significantly higher than my wages. Dp would have to add over £200 a month just to cover xchildcare, and then give me money to run the car and pay my bills. Works out at nearly £500 worse off a month. Whilst the pension and external contact is a factor we cannot afford it

SilverStars Tue 25-Mar-14 19:18:50

That is a shame. Can you find some other churches and see if they are less religious? I find the ones that are not Church of England much easier personally and one I go to is a big modern style church and you would not know it was held in a church at all.

What a shame your sure start does no have any groups. Is there another one near you? I only ask because mine only runs two things a week but there is a bigger one in next town that has free sensory room, lots of activities and my centre actively encourages people using it. And it is free. Just an idea.

Shame about not being able to work, however thankfully free funding at least is available the term after your youngest turns 3 so it is not as long as waiting for them to be in school.

wheresthelight Tue 25-Mar-14 23:05:20

The three locally are all linked so run same programme unfortunately and going to another town means additional fuel costs which I can't afford!

I am sure it will work out in long run

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