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Does anyone else get this?

(18 Posts)
Katkins1 Sat 29-Mar-14 11:12:08

Thank you. I just feel so weighed down by my deadlines, housework, my DD to look after. I am completely on my own - really limited family support, no input from my ex (he was violent and a drinker), so it all falls to me.

It's really hard work.

OneEggIsAnOeuf Thu 27-Mar-14 22:32:59

I hope that takes the pressure off a bit. Do follow through with the counselling though, and don't write off a bit of medication if you need it.

I don't think comparing yourself to others is vanity, but it is futile. When we are depressed we tend to only see the things that reinforce our negative feelings about ourselves. As you can now see, that is not necessarily how things are. I honestly believe you will get through this because you actually do have a lot of insight into what is going on with you, and how misleading your thoughts can be. You have also taken action to get the help you need. Be kind to yourself.

Katkins1 Thu 27-Mar-14 19:02:48

Thanks. I need to get a doctor's note for mit circs- but I can apply for them if I want/ need to.

I have realised now that there are people on my course who go around saying how great they are to overcompensate for their own feelings of lack; I noticed it today. I guess I just take it to heart because I feel down in myself. And I constantly compare myself. This is one thing I wish I didn't do, because it feels a little vain.

OneEggIsAnOeuf Thu 27-Mar-14 17:45:24

I hope your meeting went well, and you have a way forward now.

SilverStars Wed 26-Mar-14 20:31:53

Hi, it is great they gave you an extension and can give special consideration. From my uni days I remember working many hours, including late at night/early morning. That is I think quite normal. Also if the first draft was " good enough" then it would be finished, is how I read it. Very few people get things sorted first draft. It is the process of re-drafting that improves it.

Sadly in life there will always be people, cleverer, more organised, better etc etc But there will also be people who cannot get into uni, who would not class themselves as clever etc. Comparing ourselves can make it harder for us. And there will always be people either side of us.

Uni and jobs will always have times of intense pressure, that is the nature of professional study and jobs. And other jobs too I am sure. I hope the coming weeks go well for you and you can focus more on what you can do and progress made, so that you can be kinder to yourself which can make the time easier.

Katkins1 Wed 26-Mar-14 18:30:55

Thanks for that.

I do wonder if some people on my course sort of try to overcompensate by talking about how great they are at stuff, but I feel so behind.

What my supervisor said really, really effected my confidence. Every time I look at any of my work I have the words "not good enough" ringing in my ears. My hod knows this. I think my supervisor is ace, but what she said to me and then the confidence she gave other people ( one of who, incidentally, has barely done any work on theirs ) was entirely unfair.

I have held on to it for a long time, am pretty sure that she will hate even more for explaining to the hod that whilst I like her and know she was doing it because she wanted to give me a kick, I took it really personally because of my depression. It sounded as though I was being disloyal to her, but the way that she was with me really made me feel as though she is about to fail it. Her comments were meant to make me feel motivated in to changing it, instead I just feel like giving up. I don't even want to look at the work (my absolute favourite area) anymore because of the way she has made me feel.

OneEggIsAnOeuf Wed 26-Mar-14 10:33:52

Try not to judge yourself against others. They are not in your position. There will always be some people who seem to find everything effortless. If my degree was anything to go by, many of the people who seemed to breeze through did no better than average in the end, and i actually did quite well despite missing a lot through health and family traumas, and having to take a year out because of finances. I often wish i could do another degree so that i could just immerse myself in a lovely academic bubble without all the other stuff that was going on, but of course life rarely stands still for 3+ years while you study.

FWIW, working late into the night and insurmountable reading lists are pretty much par for the course in your final year. It is stressful but fine if you don't have the stuff going on that you do. I know the temptation is to work every moment, but you will work more effectively if you take a little bit of time out - do the meditation i linked to, go for a walk, have a hot bath - doesn't matter what, but while you're doing it try to focus on all the details of what you are doing at that moment rather than letting your mind run away anticipating what ifs, if that makes sense.

Good luck for your meeting - just be absolutely honest about how you're thinking and feeling.

Katkins1 Wed 26-Mar-14 05:49:44

She knows, I've re-written almost 8,000 words of 10,000 in the space of two weeks, so I can get some feedback. Finishing up to the 10,000 mark this evening- I need to do a lot more re-reading and thinking I'm "not good enough" to do it has skewed my thinking.

I need to take a step back, for a few hours at least. The first thing I did this morning was reading. I have an extension until May 29th, but I just don't know if I will make that because she's saying not good enough, get mitigating circumstances etc.

But I don't want to- there are people in my class who have done nothing for three years who are in a better position than me now. It just seems so unfair that I'm scrabbling around for time, writing late into the night (3am sometimes) just to get a degree.

I'm meeting the hod tomorrow to talk about mitigating circumstances.

OneEggIsAnOeuf Tue 25-Mar-14 22:38:56

I would bet that everyone else is not brilliant and that others will be having their own struggles. Because of your mindset at the moment you are only seeing things that reinforce your (more than likely wrong) beliefs.

Was there nothing you can use from the work you've already done? Did she actually say you needed to start from scratch - i wondered whether she was aware of your circumstances when she said that?

Do you have a personal tutor as well as a dissertation supervisor? If so you need to be talking to both. If you really do have to start again then they will be flexible and realistic about deadlines as long as they know there are good reasons for your struggling. It is not in anyone's interests to just allow you to fail. It's quite a while since i was at university but the student union used to be able to offer a lot of support and at least point you in the right directions for help, so maybe another avenue to explore.

Do you have anyone to talk to or offload a bit, just in an informal way? Sorry i keep asking questions - i don't want to make assumptions about your situation.

Katkins1 Tue 25-Mar-14 20:10:45

Thank you.

I am feeling really down today because everyone else has finished their dissertation drafts been told they are great and everything's brilliant. I've not even finished my second draft because my tutor told me it "wasn't good enough" and now I've had to start from scratch.

So not only has she told everyone else they are brilliant, and I'm rubbish, I've not even got a single piece of work to hand in. At all. Everyone came back from meeting her (mine's next week) saying how great they feel and I just feel like rubbish.

I my as well say Goodbye to my degree right now. Absolutely fed up that I've battled this far and messed up at the last little bit.

OneEggIsAnOeuf Tue 25-Mar-14 10:47:20

So pleased you've asked for help and have been able to be open with people. I'm sorry to hear about your bereavement - this has obviously been building for a while. Do find the courage to pick up the phone and arrange some counselling - is there an option to email instead (most services have this as many people with anxiety find it very hard to deal with the phone) - may be a bit easier?

You won't get kicked off your course for being ill. You are right that your thoughts are running away and developing a life of their own. It doesn't matter about handing something in the same time as everyone else - that is an example of the unnecessary pressure you're putting on yourself.

This may help - some free mindfulness meditations. Maybe try the 3 minute breathing space one - it will help give you a bit of mental space.

All of the feelings and thoughts about failing, not coping, not being good enough are all symptoms of depression and anxiety, and are not the truth of how things are, please believe that.

Katkins1 Tue 25-Mar-14 00:26:10

I have been to the GP, they suggested counselling, but I need to phone. It all started with a bereavement, in Jan. I've struggled since then. I've got a 3 week extension on my big project- but I so want to hand in at the same time as everyone else.

I have looked at applying for a scholarship instead, in another way. I heard days ago about the funding, I just considered an alternate. I e-mailed my tutor said I am seriously considering mitigating circumstances now, can he advise me, please? I said in it was struggling, not well, so will have to see what he says, if I can meet with him. I think it's a combination of grief and stress- and worry about my dissertation.

I admitted to them (and my GP) that I was sucididal for a short while with my depression, so now I'm absolutely terrified that I've asked for advice with mit circs and will be kicked off the course, even though the sucididal thoughts were just a reaction to grief.

I'd hate to be kicked off so close to the end of it as well, but I'm aware it's past midnight, so I guess my thoughts are running away from me.....

OneEggIsAnOeuf Mon 24-Mar-14 22:09:27

Please leave the housework and give yourself a break. Go to the gp asap and explain how you're feeling. Talk to your tutor so they are aware of what is going on with you - i promise you will not be the first. Don't struggle and not tell anyone.

Do you think having your post grad funding turned down has triggered this? It must have caused a lot of worry about your future. Do the university have anyone you can talk to about alternatives? You could post over on the higher education forum for advice.

You have obviously had a big physical reaction to a stressful situation and will probably have a bit of a come down, so it's not surprising you're feeling rough this evening.

I know you probably won't listen to me but it may be more productive to give yourself the night off and get some rest, and then follow up some of these suggestions tomorrow. You're clearly having very negative thoughts about your abilities, and you need some time to process what has happened today.

There is a lot of support out there if you are prepared to ask for it - you honestly don't need to struggle on alone, even if it may feel like it at the moment.

Katkins1 Mon 24-Mar-14 20:18:06

I feel worse now. Have only just sat down to get something to eat and a drink, was crying in the kitchen. Everyone else has almost finished their dissertations and I'm only halfway through mine. Others have got post grad, and my funding got rejected. At this rate, I will barely pass my degree anyway.

I've got housework to do then most likely will be up until 2am writing.

OneEggIsAnOeuf Mon 24-Mar-14 19:58:51

How are you now? I don't want to link to a load of books or resources as the last thing you probably need right now is more reading! A really simple thing you can do to help yourself if this happens again is to breathe - i know it sounds like a cliche but it works. Nothing fancy, just focus on your breath and breathe deeply and evenly, eyes shut if possible.

Secondly, don't try to stop your thoughts, however negative, but acknowledge them and let them go - don't let them develop into full scale disaster scenarios. If you notice this is starting to happen just go back and focus on your breath. Be aware that your thoughts are just part of a mental process that is happening because you are stressed and aren't necessarily true.

Thirdly, see your gp. If this keeps happening then some meds may help. Not necessarily anti-depressants - beta blockers are really good at dealing with the physical symptoms of anxiety. Of course there are also other therapies available if this continues.

Hope that helps a bit.

Katkins1 Mon 24-Mar-14 19:24:04

I'm in my final year of a degree. This was after my tutor gave me a huge reading list, which I need to do in two weeks. I just started to think 'not good enough' about all of my work, and that I will never do anything with my life, not graduate etc.

Anxiety sounds like an explanation, I did thing it was sort of panic feelings.

OneEggIsAnOeuf Mon 24-Mar-14 19:13:20

Has this just started today? Could it be hormonal? Is there anything coming up that may have triggered it?

I do experience those feelings but as part of a generalised anxiety disorder that i've had for years. When it originally started it the reactions were smaller though and then escalated, rather than being that full on immediately.

If you don't know what has triggered this i think it would be sensible to talk to your gp.

Katkins1 Mon 24-Mar-14 18:30:27

Today, I have been feeling really tearful and stressed. I keep getting depression that comes in waves, it's as though I can feel my brain chemistry altering and a sort of 'chemical rush' that comes in waves. Dry throat, loads of negative thoughts, pounding headache, feel as though I can't breathe properly. It's not a panic attack, but I can feel the chemistry in my body altering, if that makes sense. I feel as though some-one has switched on something and changed my entire mood in a second's notice.

It is horrendous.

Does anyone else get this, and how do you deal with it?

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