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Fear and I don't know why

(1 Post)
Hedgehead Mon 17-Mar-14 13:57:00

I have a vascular disease that is life-limiting. People who have it start to deteriorate at age 40-50 and are prone to sudden aneurysms. This was not diagnosed until I was in my early twenties (I am 30 now). The diagnosis made my relationship with my mother, a narc, even worse, as she blames me for "bringing it on myself," even though it is not caused by lifestyle factors, purely a fluke of DNA. I have introduced her to doctors who have told her this but she willfully does not believe it and thinks I must have done something bad to have been dealt this misfortune in life.

I lived life to the full in my twenties. I drank a lot (I would say alcoholic) travelled a lot and worked incredibly hard at my career and various bits of charity work and volunteering. I burned myself out because I wanted to feel "alive." A few years ago I met my now DH and my life changed. I suddenly realized that I wanted children. It is slightly more risky to be pregnant with my disease as it increases the chance of aneurysm, but I am happy to take the risk. DH has been amazing and for the past year has told me to not work (he pays for everything) and get myself into optimum health so that I can do what I enjoy when I want, and increase my chances of conceiving and carrying a baby without complications. We have been ttc for a year now and will also look to go down the adoption route if we have no luck.

Basically the message from DH IS "relax and I will take care of everything," and I have been doing that, but I have started to experience serious anxiety for the first time in my life. The time I would have expected to have anxiety was when I was alone and Ill without the support of my family in my twenties, not now that I am supported and comfortable I am experiencing fear like no other.

Can you help me work out what is going in here? It is not a fear of anything specific. If I have a rest in the middle of the day as I lie down it is just this fear/anxiety that bubbles away and I think - what is it? Did I close the front door? Did I feed the animals? Did I forget to call someone? Do I have a deadline? There are no pressures and no stress so I cannot work out why I feel this way.

Part of me feels that I felt more alive when I was rebelling against life, daring it to finish me off. Now that I am being cushioned and bubble wrapped maybe I feel more like I am embracing death. I know that having children is going to be hard and it is going to make my health worse and put my life at risk. What am I afraid of?

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