Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Did I do the right thing?

(5 Posts)
Katkins1 Sun 16-Mar-14 23:53:28

Long story short, my friend at uni recently lost a Grand parent. I think he's struggling with it (things he's said, facebook posts). I was worried about him, and he's lovely.

I lost my own Grandfather recently, have struggled (and extreme depression, suicidal). I don't think he's like that, but I got the sense he's overwhelmed.

I thought it over for two days, couldn't get the thought of him and what he's said (sadness mainly), out of my head.

I e-mail our tutor, who is really approachable, and his supervisor. I just don't know if I've done the right thing- but I so felt for him, I want him to get the right help. We graduate in May- a long way off, with plenty of time to pace the work (7 weeks, in fact), but I don't want him to suffer.

Did I do the right thing here, or am I a nosy cow?

babyheaves Sun 16-Mar-14 23:56:56

I think you should have spoken to him about contacting his tutor rather than doing it yourself tbh. Yes, he may be upset, but if he's struggling, it's his personal information to share, not yours.

Katkins1 Mon 17-Mar-14 18:10:56

Oh, the tutor and all of us knew about the loss, and he posted how much he was struggling on facebook, several times. I was worried, but had absolutely no idea what to do. It turns out he had contacted the tutor himself at almost the same time I did, but I was worried his pride might stop him, and he would loose out on gaining his degree.

LastingLight Mon 17-Mar-14 18:45:54

You're a good friend Katkins1, to care so much about your friend while you're under so much pressure yourself. Even though you are students you are adults, and you're friend might feel that you overstepped the boundaries by contacting his tutor and supervisor. If he is suicidal then I think it's warranted to contact whoever might be able to help him. Since he isn't, maybe you should rather have encouraged him to seek help himself? It's good that he did, hopefully both of you will get through the next 7 weeks of academic work and graduate with pride.

Katkins1 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:03:40

I don't think he was suicidal he said he was so de motivated that he wouldn't talk to the tutor. That made me think maybe some-one needed to just say " I hope he's Ok" sort of thing. I did say to him counsellor, chaplain, me, anyone. Come and chat, too. But yes, I was worried about over stepping the mark, too.

I didn't tell the tutor what was said- I just said my friend x seems to be having trouble with recent loss, and if it were me I'd like to be asked if I was OK.

I'd hoped the tutor might have just asked how he was getting on - they regularly do that at our uni if they bump in to you in the corridor/ canteen, always stop for a chat.

We are community oriented- so it won't affect any academic work, or marks. Or even worry them much. I thought I'd encouraged him to get help- and that he might not let on he was struggling. I'm so glad that he did in the end though. He is really nice, would probably understand why I did it.

Facebook isn't confidential either, really, so I guess some-one else might have said something- he seemed so lost! But yes, I'm aware that I did overstep a personal boundary, which was my worry.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now