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Suicide & Intrusive thoughts

(136 Posts)
littlegingercat Mon 03-Mar-14 01:13:03

This is so self indulgent, I'm sorry in advance.

I had a thread on here a while ago about paranoia, about being worried that I was being watched and people were filming me. I've searched everywhere in my home and come up with nothing but I still feel like it's happening. Can't get rid of it. Can't shift how horribly paranoid and skin-crawly I feel.

I've had anxiety for years, and it's building up at the minute so I'm constantly anxious and can't focus on anything. Feel like I can't breathe for a lot of the time. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts about overdosing, I can't stop thinking about it. It feels inevitable. I've overdosed in the past but this feels different, can't really put my finger on why but it's more external.

I see some MH professionals but I don't trust them, there's definitely no way I could tell them about how I really feel, how much I'm self harming and how I have to keep doing it worse and worse, the suicidal thoughts. I just see them about my anxiety and about getting outside, but I can't vocalise the general anxiety I have, it's so wide-reaching that there's just no way I can talk about it, all my worries about health/contamination are so strong and I can't work out how to exist around them.

I can't phone anyone because of the anxiety, don't have any friends, and no family that I'm close to. So I need to fix this on my own, but I keep going deeper and deeper, and I can't find a way out. Does it get better? What do I need to be doing to make this stop? All I can hear is a voice berating me for not taking an overdose and I can't seem to do anything about it.

Sorry and thank you if anyone reads this.

KateSMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 12-Apr-14 12:48:52

Thanks to those who brought this thread to our attention.

Hi littlegingercat - we're sorry to hear you're going through a tough time at the moment. We'd like to echo the advice you've gotten here and suggest that you keep trying to find help in real life. There may be some useful information in our mental health webguide

Best wishes thanks

miramar Sat 12-Apr-14 22:59:31

I hope that the amazon book ideas and web links are useful.

take care

miramar Fri 18-Apr-14 08:02:37

Just thinking of you.

littlegingercat Sat 19-Apr-14 21:32:07

Thank you, that's really kind of you.
Felt like I should stop talking after the HQ post, I didn't want to keep making a nuisance of myself especially when everyone's been so kind.
Nothing's changed anyway, so I don't know what else anyone could say.

miramar Sun 20-Apr-14 19:09:18

I think HQ just wanted to add to the conversation, not stop it.

Anyway, I'm still here. smile

littlegingercat Thu 24-Apr-14 23:34:56

I don't think I can do this anymore.

miramar Sat 26-Apr-14 11:23:12

I'm sorry that you feel that way.
Did you find anything interesting or useful in the books or web links?
Will you see anyone soon? Hopefully someone can help you to come out of this.

littlegingercat Sat 26-Apr-14 21:20:45

I've not really found anything that helpful, but I am exhausted and struggling to think or concentrate.
I'm seeing the support worker on Wednesday, but I can't talk to her about this. I haven't got anyone that I can talk to. There was the GP, but she made it clear last time that she's done all she can. I don't think I can get it together enough to co-ordinate a trip to the surgery anyway.

I just want everything to stop. I don't know what else to do. I keep on hanging on and in reality, this is how it's always going to be. There's just no point.

Thank you for replying.

miramar Tue 29-Apr-14 21:19:59

I hope something useful comes from tomorrow's appointment.

littlegingercat Sat 03-May-14 01:40:58

Thank you miramar.
Nothing good ever comes of my appointments. I always just end up feeling vulnerable and anxious, so I SH or OD.
I have no real choice but to accept that no-one can help. I don't know what else I can do.

thingscanonlygetbetter74 Tue 13-May-14 14:35:13

You should look at the self help course
or follow one of the useful modules on Centre for Clinical Interventions.
CBT for numerous mental health difficulties.
it seems that posting on this site is not really conducive to changing your situation. I would advise perhaps using a mental health site like MIND or
that way you get a response from people who can advise you from their professional and personal perspective, good luck.

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