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Suicide & Intrusive thoughts

(136 Posts)
littlegingercat Mon 03-Mar-14 01:13:03

This is so self indulgent, I'm sorry in advance.

I had a thread on here a while ago about paranoia, about being worried that I was being watched and people were filming me. I've searched everywhere in my home and come up with nothing but I still feel like it's happening. Can't get rid of it. Can't shift how horribly paranoid and skin-crawly I feel.

I've had anxiety for years, and it's building up at the minute so I'm constantly anxious and can't focus on anything. Feel like I can't breathe for a lot of the time. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts about overdosing, I can't stop thinking about it. It feels inevitable. I've overdosed in the past but this feels different, can't really put my finger on why but it's more external.

I see some MH professionals but I don't trust them, there's definitely no way I could tell them about how I really feel, how much I'm self harming and how I have to keep doing it worse and worse, the suicidal thoughts. I just see them about my anxiety and about getting outside, but I can't vocalise the general anxiety I have, it's so wide-reaching that there's just no way I can talk about it, all my worries about health/contamination are so strong and I can't work out how to exist around them.

I can't phone anyone because of the anxiety, don't have any friends, and no family that I'm close to. So I need to fix this on my own, but I keep going deeper and deeper, and I can't find a way out. Does it get better? What do I need to be doing to make this stop? All I can hear is a voice berating me for not taking an overdose and I can't seem to do anything about it.

Sorry and thank you if anyone reads this.

And don't apologise for going on and waffling, you haven't done that anyway, but if you did, so what? It's your thread!

littlegingercat Sat 15-Mar-14 14:22:03

Thank you for replying again.

The weather isn't great here. It's been a bit sunny, but very windy. I don't have a garden, just a little paved bit but I'm too scared to sit in it in case anyone can see me. I have a huge fear of contamination/germs/dirt and touching soil, even with gloves on, is a no go. I don't even know how to garden anyway, I've never done any. Can't go out in the sun because I'm scared of skin cancer, and I haven't got any sun cream. I wish for once I could just think of something without having to weigh up all these stupid fears and anxieties. I seriously cannot think of anything that feels safe to me, everything is a potential anxiety-provoker.

I use the internet a lot to distract, I can always find something to do online. I exercise a lot and clean. I don't have anything I really enjoy, so I mostly just try to drown out thoughts. Self harming usually helps with the OD'ing thoughts, though not so much lately.

Sorry for being so defeatist. I've been sat here for ages trying to think of something, anything, that I feel completely safe doing. There's nothing. Even something as bland as drinking water, panics me because I don't really know what's in the water. This is never going to get any better.

I'd never done any gardening before either, but it's amazing how happy it makes me to see something grow. Would you be able to do it with gloves, etc? Is your garden/ yard secluded, and what do you think the issue could be if someone does see you do it?

Is music safe? Can you put on an album you like? Nothing sad or slow! If I'm feeling down something that my mum or dad always enjoyed tends to get me singing along- Meatloaf or Queen, something that everyone knows lots of words to.

Sorry I just saw gloves are a no! Thats a shame.

littlegingercat Sat 15-Mar-14 16:22:46

Thank you again, I really appreciate you talking to me.

My garden, and I use the term very loosely, is literally a square of pavement/tarmac stuff. Planting anything would involve buying pots, and compost, and bulbs and all the gardening things you need to plant things, and then getting someone to actually plant the stuff!
I can see why it would be nice to look out and see things growing, but I know that I wouldn't keep up with it. My mum would tend it for me, but I don't see her frequently enough for that to work. My curtains are always shut anyway.

I get really panicky about people seeing me. I don't really know why. Being judged, maybe. I have bad paranoia about being watched and even strangers walking past my house is enough to really worry me. Hence the curtains always being shut, it makes me feel a bit safer.

I do have safe music. I don't remember my parents listening to music when I was growing up. The music I really like isn't stuff I can listen to when I'm feeling this low as it's triggering and I read too much into the lyrics, but I can put Capital on, or something classical. I like Michael Jackson too, and there are only a couple of his songs I need to avoid.

I'm just sick of everything being such an effort. I'm fed up of existing like this and hoping that things are miraculously going to change. Everything is just about coping and getting through it and there's no end to it all. I've had enough.

I'm sorry your feeling that that, I understand it's tiring. I know you think your MH team won't want to hear from you again, but I really do think you need to keep speaking to them, as soon as you can, and tell them how low you are feeling, that you tried to take an overdose, and that you are off your medication. I know you said you can't go to A&E, is the GP an option? Could you call them?

Can you remember the last time you were happy, or felt better? What were you doing? Can you recreate those feelings? Or is there anyone who does make you smile who you do feel safe around? What interests do you have, is there anything you can use there as a distraction technique? I'm currently into home decor, so I'm wasting plenty of time on home renovation blogs, pinterest, and trying to sit outside to read home magazines, as the sun is cheering me up.

Are you posting on the other threads on here too? There are others in a similar position, who are brilliant at support.

littlegingercat Sat 15-Mar-14 17:40:01

I think that I could speak to the GP about how I feel. Not about the overdoses, but I think I could tell her about how low I am. The problem is getting there, because I'm so useless. I can't go out on my own, so the support worker takes me. Then I'm super aware that she's waiting in the waiting room for me (even though she's said she's quite happy and just plays on her phone) so I try to be quick. I make my appointments online, I can't use the phone (again, fucking useless). It'll be the beginning of April at least before I can get to the GP.

I do have periods where I feel better. The anxiety is constant, but my mood isn't always so low. I think about dying pretty much all the time and it's always an option, but I'm not always actively suicidal, if that makes sense. Those periods seem to be spontaneous though, it's not like I've done something to make them happen.
I don't have anyone I feel safe around, no friends. No real interests either, they all fell by the wayside when my anxiety got so bad. The problem I find is that I can start to like something, but I get obsessive and start worrying about it and it ruins the enjoyment. I try to keep things superficial so I don't get bogged down. If my interest in something wanes, I feel guilty. I don't have much concentration and honestly, I'm just apathetic about everyone.

I don't post on any other threads. Partly because I am terrified that I'd say something that would make someone feel worse, partly because whinging and bleating about how bad I feel is about the extent of my social skills. I don't know how to have a conversation about normal things. It makes my head hurt to try. It feels fake and like I'm acting, and my head shouts at me that everyone knows I'm lying. I read a lot of threads on here, but can't think of anything that I would say in response.

I'm sorry for going on so much. Please don't feel like you have to talk to me if you've had enough, I know I'm draining. Thank you for being so kind.

I was thinking about this thread, specifically supporting those with anxiety and depression, purely to help you feel like you're not alone. There are lots of others who are going through similar.

Don't worry about making your MH worker wait in the waiting room, I'm sure she enjoys having 10 mins to sit on her phone, I always do that in doctors to catch up with my emails. Why can't you tell your GP about the overdoses? Stop telling yourself your useless, would you tell someone they were useless if a physical disability meant they couldn't get to the doctor? Is there any way you can use the online booking system to request a home visit?

Is it bad for you to try and 'act' through a conversation online? Just wondering, as I often put a face on it when I really can't be arsed to even talk, but sometimes do find that by the end I'm drawn in and engaged a bit more than I was previously. If you want to try, pick a topic, I'm here on and off all night. It might take me a while to reply during Ant and Dec though, that's the Saturday night plan for DD and I!

LastingLight Sat 15-Mar-14 18:39:55

Hi littlegingercat. Could you write to your gp and be very honest about everything? Could your mom post the letter for you or take it to the surgery. You have to try and trust someone and the gp is a good choice. You are ill, not useless, not pathetic, but ill. You have to reach out and grab help in any way you can. You write eloquently and lucidly. Use that part of your mind to help yourself. You can do it.

littlegingercat Sat 15-Mar-14 20:49:31

Thank you both.

I've seen that thread before, BreakOut but I have nowhere near the confidence required to post on it. Doing it would make me feel really unsafe and I can't bring myself to do it. I'd say the wrong thing.

I don't really know why I can't tell the GP about the overdoses. I don't want to worry her, I don't want to add to her workload, I don't want her to involve the crisis team, I don't want her to tell me that I should be telling the MH team and not her. All of those, really.
I don't think that any other people are useless. Someone could be in the exact same situation as me, and I wouldn't think that they were useless. It's just me.
There isn't an option for home visits on the online system (or if there is, they've hidden it well). You need to be literally at death's door for one anyway.

I could write to the GP, but the letter would need to wait until I saw my support worker next to be posted. My mum doesn't live anywhere near me. She (and my dad) visit occasionally, but we have nothing planned in the near future as they both have really busy lives.

I guess I just don't really feel like there's anything that anyone can do. I've had help, and it hasn't helped me. I either can't explain myself well enough to make people understand, or they see how toxic and worthless I am and stop helping. I can't decide whether I just want to die or whether I can make myself believe that things will change enough to make life worth living.

I'm sorry for being so whingy.

How do you keep in touch with your mum, littleginger? Could you ask her to get in touch with the GP? Or with the other members of the MH team? I really don't like to think of you alone til the 26th. Just because you have had help, doesn't mean you're not deserving of much, much more. You have such a lovely manner of writing, and you come across as such a friendly, kind person. I wish you could see outside of yourself for a while, to see your good qualities.

littlegingercat Sat 15-Mar-14 22:39:14

My mum and I email each other. I don't want her at all involved with my care, I don't trust anyone at the CMHT to maintain confidentiality and there is so much she doesn't know. She literally knows I have anxiety and it restricts what I do. Nothing else.
She would probably phone the GP if I asked her, but it would open up too many questions. I'm sorry. You have so many good ideas and all I do is find a way to pooh-pooh them. Maybe I could broach it when I email her next and see if she'd ask them about a home visit. I really don't want to worry her or have her ask me questions I don't want to answer.

I'll be fine until the 26th. There's really no need for any concern.

Please don't say such nice things about me. I don't deserve them. I'm not friendly, or kind. In fact, a lot of the time, I think some pretty dreadful things. I feel like I'm tricking or fooling people somehow if they say nice things.

Thank you so much for talking to me all day, I know you must have had better things to do but I appreciate it massively.

We all think bad things! I spend my full life tricking people that I know what I'm doing at work, or that I care about what they're telling me. Doesn't mean I'm a bad person, and the same goes for you. If you don't feel like you can use any of the suggestions we've made, that's fine, they're just ideas. You have your own way of coping, and you shouldn't do something that makes you feel worse or unsafe.

So, have you got any plans for today, Littleginger? I'm currently giving the living room a good tidy, as I'm naturally a messy bugger. Then I think I might try some baking. I really should do some exercise, but I think I might put that off for today, baking and exercising don't really mix!

LastingLight Sun 16-Mar-14 12:09:00

Littlegingercat, could you ask your mom to get an email address for your gp?

littlegingercat Sun 16-Mar-14 15:56:28

Thank you both.

I don't tend to really make plans as such for the day, it's more that I have a routine that I follow (cleaning and exercise, pretty much) and anything else that gets done is an achievement. I hope you had fun baking.

I will ask my mum if she'll get the GP's email address. She will think that's an imposition though, so I'm going to have to ask in such a way that doesn't make it sound like I'm going to be a nuisance to the GP.

I feel very tired and resigned today. I want to sit in a corner and not move, but my head won't let me.

That's rubbish for you sad

Does meditation or anything help, to give you something for your mind to focus on? I have an app on my phone that talks you through relaxation exercises, starts off focusing on your fingers, toes, etc, and concentrates on lots of parts of the body. Helps if I'm tired but too wound up to sleep. If not, I hope you feel better soon anyway.

littlegingercat Sun 16-Mar-14 19:52:12

Thank you for replying.

I know it sounds stupid, but I don't know how to meditate. Every time I've tried, I end up crying and panicking, so I'm obviously doing something wrong. I think some of the problem is that a lot of my thoughts are intrusive and don't feel like they come from me, so trying to meditate, or actively relax, gives them free rein to take over. If I actively try to distract and drown them out then at least they can't dominate.
I've tried relaxation exercises before, I have a sheet of them somewhere but I just can't do them. I get panicky and feel like I'm out of control. I know, I'm useless.

I'm not tired through lack of sleep, just tired of everything. Anxious over nothing tonight, and I'm so drained. I wish I could just do something right. I'm sorry.

You've nothing to be sorry about! If you wanted to try the relaxation, the app I used is a free one called headspace. It's basically someone talking you through each part of your body in a soothing voice, I don't know if actually hearing someone talk will help not let the intrusive thoughts in? I completely understand if you don't feel like trying, those thoughts must be very scary.

I understand what you mean about being tired if everything, I hope you're feeling well enough to stay safe. Do you want me to carry on chatting tonight? I understand if you don't feel up to it and want some time alone, I know I ask lots of questions and they can be hard work.

littlegingercat Sun 16-Mar-14 21:36:26

I don't have a smartphone so I can't get apps, but I can have a look on Youtube and see if there's something similar on there. I think hearing someone talk would be better than silence. It's not something I feel up to trying tonight but I will definitely look into it. Thank you.

Please don't feel like you have to talk to me if you have things to be doing. I don't mind questions but I don't always know how to answer them, which must be frustrating for you. I don't have anything remotely positive to say, so it probably is best if I shut up for the night and see what happens.

I just wanted to check you felt ok chatting- my sister is going through something similar at the moment, she tells me off for chatting too much sometimes. Feel free to tell me to shut up if you want. She does! I honestly don't mind if you don't have an answer to any questions, or don't want to answer, its all obviously very personal. I think your very brave for handling this the way you are.

I hope you get a good nights sleep tonight.

littlegingercat Mon 17-Mar-14 03:15:50

I'm so sorry your sister is feeling like this too. I hope things improve for her soon. She's lucky that she has you to talk to. Fwiw, I don't think you talk too much.

You're very kind but I'm really not brave. Can't talk myself out of self harming for more than a few hours. I've never conquered a single anxiety. Instead, I seem to find new ones daily. Clearly, this is why the MH team want rid of me. I'm sure they have targets to meet, and they'll never hit them with me being a drain and failing at everything.

Thank you again.

Hi, LittleGinger, how are you feeling? Thanks for asking about my sister, I hope she's feeling better soon too! They have upped the dosage of her medication, and her anxiety has eased a lot, so that's a big step. Hopefully they'll help her feel a bit happier soon.

Did you decide whether to get in touch with MH yet, or are you more comfortable waiting for your worker to get back? I'm sure they're not trying to get rid of you at all, but would like you to feel better.

littlegingercat Tue 18-Mar-14 20:51:24

Thank you for asking. I'm not really coping. Had about four hours sleep since I last posted. Anxiety is through the roof for some reason, no real idea why. Cutting isn't helping enough. I can't get in touch with the CMHT, and mum said no to calling the GP for me because she thinks home visits should be for people who are physically incapacitated. No real point going anyway. Sorry for complaining again.

I'm very sorry to hear that, I had hoped you were feeling a bit more positive. Is there anything that would help you feel more relaxed? Are you sure you won't try your medication again? I know you said you're worried about it, but you can see your feeling much, much worse without it.

If theres anything I can do to help, please just ask, I know theres not much I can do from the other side of the computer screen, but if you think of anything.

littlegingercat Wed 19-Mar-14 15:37:45

Thank you. I don't know about the medication. It needs to wait until I see the GP anyway for a new prescription. I don't think how I'm feeling is tied to the medication because I was feeling awful whilst I was on it. If it is tied, then this is how I am naturally, and who am I to think I should be allowed to mask that with drugs? I'm not anything. I don't deserve anything better.

Just having someone to talk to without any pressure is helping, thank you for that. I need to sort this out on my own, realistically there isn't anything anyone else can do.

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