Suicide & Intrusive thoughts

[littlegingercat]

This is so self indulgent, I'm sorry in advance.

I had a thread on here a while ago about paranoia, about being worried that I was being watched and people were filming me. I've searched everywhere in my home and come up with nothing but I still feel like it's happening. Can't get rid of it. Can't shift how horribly paranoid and skin-crawly I feel.

I've had anxiety for years, and it's building up at the minute so I'm constantly anxious and can't focus on anything. Feel like I can't breathe for a lot of the time. I'm having a lot of intrusive thoughts about overdosing, I can't stop thinking about it. It feels inevitable. I've overdosed in the past but this feels different, can't really put my finger on why but it's more external.

I see some MH professionals but I don't trust them, there's definitely no way I could tell them about how I really feel, how much I'm self harming and how I have to keep doing it worse and worse, the suicidal thoughts. I just see them about my anxiety and about getting outside, but I can't vocalise the general anxiety I have, it's so wide-reaching that there's just no way I can talk about it, all my worries about health/contamination are so strong and I can't work out how to exist around them.

I can't phone anyone because of the anxiety, don't have any friends, and no family that I'm close to. So I need to fix this on my own, but I keep going deeper and deeper, and I can't find a way out. Does it get better? What do I need to be doing to make this stop? All I can hear is a voice berating me for not taking an overdose and I can't seem to do anything about it.

Sorry and thank you if anyone reads this.

[RonaldMcDonald]

Hi

It does get better. It can always get better.
There are people who can help you. They will understand that you don't trust them and won't expect you to do so.
It is important that you trust someone who can help to keep you safe.

A lot of people have had terrible terrible times with anxiety depression and paranoia. It is important that you stay safe until you can find a way to the other side.

Do you have a friend or family member you could call?
More people care and are kinder and wiser than you might think.
Please go tomorrow and see your GP. You can write down your worst thoughts and just pass them to her.
If you feel like you will harm yourself call an ambulance and go to A&E.
Stay sage x

[littlegingercat]

Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it.

I haven't got any friends, and my family don't know the extent of my MH problems, nor do I want them to. We don't have a close relationship.

I saw my GP a couple of weeks ago and she just increased my medication. I've since stopped taking the meds because of all the chemicals and because they're prescribed specifically for me means that they can be tampered with so they're not safe to take.
The anxiety I have means I can't go outside on my own so I can't just go to the GP tomorrow, unfortunately.

I need to fix this on my own, I don't have anyone I can really talk to or rely on. I don't really know what I think posting will achieve, I guess I'm hoping that someone has been in this situation and knows something I can do to fix it and stop the shouting and the urgency.

Thank you again.

[RonaldMcDonald]

Thanks for being so honest.

I'm sorry to hear about you not feeling you could speak to anyone in your family. The reason why I suggested them or a friend is sometimes it is nice to just have someone else know what you are going through.
Your GP can come to your house so that you don't have to leave. So can a nurse and a home visit team.
Do you think you could do that first thing in the morning?
Speaking to just one person like this will help to start make you feel a little better.

Not taking your meds has probably made you feel a great deal worse. It very often can. I understand that it can be hard to see what is likely to be happening and what is a product of your illness speaking. Many people when they are quite unwell feel in the way that you do.
The first step to getting better is seeing your GP or out of hours doctor ( who will speak to you on the telephone ) or calling an ambulance.

It must feel very frightening. Put your hand on your stomach and breath in and out, trying to move your hand. Try to feel your toes wriggling. This will help you to get some oxygen around your body and stop the anxiety flooding through.

Please try to speak to a doctor ASAP.
Stay safe

[littlegingercat]

I don't think my GP does home visits. I tried to make an appointment with her a couple of days ago, and the first ones she has free are on Friday. I don't know if the support worker can make those though, so it'll be next week before I can get to see a GP. I use the online booking system because I'm too useless to ring the surgery.

I know that stopping the meds isn't the brightest idea, but this level of anxiety has been going on for longer than that. I was still on the ADs when I started feeling this bad and it getting worse hasn't coincided with me stopping taking them.

The overdosing thoughts aren't related to stopping the ADs, nor is the paranoia. I don't know what was really in those tablets so it's hard to say what the effects of coming off them will be.

Thank you so much for talking to me, I'm sorry for being so useless. I know that it makes sense to most people to try and contact a doctor, but I just can't. I genuinely can't pick up the phone. I don't actually know if my phone even works, I have an ancient corded landline in case I need to ring 999 but I can't even pick it up out of the cradle. My house would probably burn to the ground before I managed to ring the fire brigade.

[RonaldMcDonald]

I believe you can get some counselling online, by skype or sometimes in the form of a GP arranged system
Your GP really will and does make home visits...perhaps the booking system has an email contact us section?
How do you contact your support worker? Could you speak freely to them?

Lots of what you are saying feeling and doing sounds very clearly like your illness is directing it.
Once you can get up the strength to confide in someone they can help you find a few solutions

[RonaldMcDonald]

I must go.

Please try to get to see someone tomorrow.

Good night and take care

[littlegingercat]

The counselling I've found online is either paid for, or under the iapt system that I've been turned down for. I can ask about it next time I see the GP though, there's likely to be something I've missed.

I don't contact my support worker, we make the appointments weekly when we see each other and if she needs to cancel, she writes to me with the next appointment date. I can't speak freely to her, I don't trust her at all. I can't mention the intrusive thoughts to anyone, that's not safe.

Everything is so dependent on someone else, I need to find something that I can do on my own because I can't trust anyone else to be safe. Maybe that is the anxiety directing things like you say, but I don't know, I can't seem to rationalise it away or see past it.

Thank you so much for talking to me.

[littlegingercat]

I'm sorry to bump this.

I saw my support worker yesterday and asked her if she could go to the GP with me next week, but she's on holiday so can't. She did ask if it was urgent, but there's no way I could talk to her about it so I waffled something about an ear infection and said it didn't matter.

I can't get rid of the overdosing thoughts and I need to figure out a way to deal with them on my own. The only person I could even consider talking to about them is the GP, and I can't get to her. I feel like there's something sat just behind me whispering straight into my brain, it's not that I can hear voices but rather that these thoughts feel like they're coming from somewhere else. I know they are my thoughts but they feel more intrusive than other thoughts. And that makes no sense, does it.

I know that the sensible thing to do is to tell someone IRL, but that isn't an option right now. I need to find a way to stop these thoughts, does anyone have any ideas? Please. I've tried self harming instead of overdosing but it's not working, no matter what I do it's not enough.

Thank you in advance if you read this. I know it all sounds really pathetic and needy, I guess I'm just hoping that someone knows something I can do to fix myself.

[brightandbreezyNot]

Everything you say I can relate to. It feels terrible having the constant intrusive thoughts. P'll ease please try to talk to someoney

[littlegingercat]

Thank you for replying to me. I'm really sorry you've felt like this too, it's so draining and exhausting, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I don't have anyone that I can talk to, at least not for the next week or so. I keep thinking that maybe it's just meant to be, that the support worker's holiday coinciding with this means that I should just act. I don't even really believe in fate, so i don't know where that thought's coming from.

[brightandbreezyNot]

Positive thoughts.......relax.....have a milky drink

[brightandbreezyNot]

As an after thought, try emailing the Samaritans...I contacted them this week and it is helping putting the words in an email

[TenThousandThings]

I was very sorry to read your message. You can pull out of it. In my opinion, you have to focusing on doing. Try to deflect your thoughts away from what is imaginary onto what is real by making something, doing work, helping someone else perhaps. This will give you some relief. Exercise is also a great way to calm down the body physically and will allow you to release what I would call the flight instinct, which is where anxiety often pushes you, into restlessness. I would try to interact as much as possible, to give yourself relief. Doing is the key in my opinion.

Wishing you all the best.

[littlegingercat]

Thank you all.

I've emailed the Samaritans far too much a lot in the past. They're sick to death of me, I'm sure. I've never really found them very helpful, they take so long to reply and then all they seem to do is repeat what I've typed back to me. I've found their replies upsetting a couple of times and I don't know if I can handle that at the minute.

I'm trying really hard to distract from the thoughts. I don't have anyone with whom I can interact and being around people makes me panic, and the anxiety prevents me from going outside alone. I exercise quite a lot, but doing some more is never going to be a bad thing.

My MH team want rid of me. I'm not getting better quickly enough for them. Just as well they don't know how I'm really feeling, or they'd have dropped me like a hot potato. I don't know what to do and I just want to give in, it's all too much.

I can't use the phone. Literally. I cannot do it. I can't pick it up, I can't dial the number, and I can't make my vocal chords work when I'm near it. I don't have anything to help me sleep, but I don't feel particularly tired either. I feel like I need to be very vigilant. I eat quite well, take vitamins etc.

Sorry, I'm so defeatist and whiny. I'm not sure why I'm fighting these thoughts anymore.

[littlegingercat]

I don't need anyone to respond, I just need to get this out somewhere so it loses some of the power.

The thoughts I'm having are increasingly dark and the self-imposed deadline is looming.

I can't keep up with the litany in my head. I want to scream "shut up shut up shut up" but there's no point. I wish I knew just one thing for certain so that I could have something to hold on to.

I can't cope with how much I despise myself, if I could rip my skin off and reveal a new person, I would do it in an instant. My fantasies are so real and my real life is so meaningless that I can't deal with the reality of what I have. I wish desperately that I could be erased.

This is such stupid babble, none of my thoughts make sense any more. Being watched is so draining, I can't relax and there's nothing else I can do it make it stop.

I wish I knew what i could do to make everything stop. But instead I'm just this needy contrary pathetic nothing who desperately wants someone to fix everything but who can't confide in anyone. What is the actual point. Ignore me please, this doesn't even make sense but typing it all has made things feel a little less intense.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

Hi, LittleGinger. If writing this has helped even in a tiny way, then keep doing it. You are not a 'pathetic nothing' at all, you are a person, who deserves to feel better. I'm sorry, I know nothing about these awful thoughts that you are having, but you sound like you are in so much pain. I honestly think taking those meds again will help, even if you don't notice it for a while. Feeling a bit better in a few weeks is better than not feeling better at all, surely?

I really think you need to contact your MH team. If you can't ring, then text, email, however you feel up to it, and let them know you are really struggling right now. You are definitely worth their attention, even if you don't believe it.

I hope you're feeling a bit more peaceful today.

[littlegingercat]

Thank you for replying, I don't deserve it when all I do is whine on incessantly.

The sensible thing to do is to take the meds but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't trust that they're safe, and even if they are, then the effect they create is just an illusion. I need for things to be real, not artificially created by drugs. Ludicrous that I'm worried about the safety of ad's when I od'ed without thinking about the potential consequences. None of what I feel makes sense to me.

I don't have any other way to contact my MH team. I don't have an email address for them. I can't tell them about this, because I'm reliant on them to try to help with the anxiety/going outside and they would drop me in a second if they knew how much I was really struggling. They've already made noises about it since I'm not getting better quickly enough. I don't feel like I'm in control at all and that scares me.

Thank you again, I really appreciate you taking the time to be so kind.

[littlegingercat]

I know I'm an annoyance. No-one should even bother to read this. I am an inconvenience, a nothing, a waste of space and time.

I want to be dead. So so so much. No idea what else to do. I've tried overdosing this week but it hasn't worked, I've woken up and I cannot describe the disappointment and sadness at being awake. It's like opening your eyes to a world that is bleak and empty and sad when you thought you were going to end everything.

I am so so sick and so so tired of being this person, I despise myself, I wish I had never existed. I am worthless and the world deserves to not have my stain upon it.

Stupid melodramatic idiot. I thought typing might help. Maybe not.

[LastingLight]

Hello littlegingercat. Read what I'm going to say to you carefully: You are NOT a waste of space. You are alive. You are a person. You have value. You need help. You deserve to be helped. You can be helped. Your MH team WILL NOT drop you if they know exactly how ill you are. They will give you the help you need. When do you have an appointment with your support worker again? Show her this thread and ask her to read it. It is safe. She won't reject you. You want help, because if you didn't you would not be reaching out to other people on this forum. This woman holds the key to getting you the help you want and need. It's ok to feel apprehensive about the truth getting "out there". That is due to your illness, and not because "out there" is dangerous in reality. You have to cling to that fact even when you feel with everything in your being that you cannot trust people. (((HUGS)))

[littlegingercat]

Thank you for replying, and for being so kind.

I'm not seeing the support worker again until the 26th, she's on holiday. I don't really know what she can do anyway. I don't have a good rapport with her, not just because I don't trust her, but because she's never seemed very professional and there are things she's said that have made me feel like she really doesn't understand. She'd probably ask me what I want her to do and I don't have anything to tell her since she can't magically make me someone else.
It sounds really silly, but I'm scared she'll laugh at me. She has done before when I've tried to be honest (though not about something like this, admittedly). I'm trying to think well of her, and that she was trying to diffuse the tension but it didn't have that effect.

They do want rid of me. Obviously they've not come right out, but they've made it as clear as they can without outright telling me to bugger off. I'm not progressing quickly enough for them, so telling them that I've gone even further backwards would be all they needed to say that the graded exposure isn't working. I can't do therapy, so this is all I have. I have to make it work or I genuinely have nothing, no hope. But then, even if it does work, even if I get to a stage where I can go outside alone and work, I'm still going to be me. Everything feels so incredibly futile. I'm so sick of "coping" and just carrying on pretending like I feel that things are actually going to get better, when I'm always going to be this useless nothing.

Sorry for so much melodrama and self pity. I can't agree that I am not a waste of space.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

I agree with LastingLight, you aren't a waste of space. If you don't feel you can talk to her, or, like you said, you can't get to others on the team, then we need to look for other avenues. I really don't want you to harm yourself, and I think you should make your way to A&E and tell them whats going on, that you're really feeling the urge to take an overdose. They'll have someone else there who can help you.

I completely understand what you're saying about your tablets, but think of it in a different way. Right now your brain is ill, and it's giving you messages that aren't real, they aren't true. All those drugs are doing is giving you a bit of a shot of 'truth serum', of medicine that can make you think 'well' again.

Have you got anyone with you?

[littlegingercat]

Thank you for replying.

I can't go to A&E. The reason I see the MH team is because of severe anxiety and I can't go out on my own. They do know about some other things, but that's the main issue. I know how pathetic that sounds but I really cannot do it. I can't rely on other people. I have to deal on my own. If I'm going to be so useless about all this, and not be able to tell anyone IRL, then I need to figure out what I'm going to do on my own.

I understand what you're saying about the tablets. I see them the opposite way I think, in that how I feel now is the truth, and the effect the tablets have is to make everything fake. In all honesty, they don't do a great deal for me anyway, and I'm not really feeling any worse off them.

There's no-one with me, I live alone. I'm horribly uncomfortable and on edge when there are other people around, a lot of the fears I have centre on other people.

Sorry for going on so much, my posts always turn into these lengthy waffly crap-bursts.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

Hope you had a good nights sleep OP.

OK, so what can you do thats going to make you feel a little less tense, do you have any distraction techniques you can sort out now for when things get bad? Is it sunny where you are today? Can you take a magazine/book out in the garden to get a bit of sunshine? That has a miraculous effect on me, being in the sun, makes everything brighter. Plant some daffodils in little pots, anything thats going to keep your hands busy and doesn't require much thought.

[BreakOutTheKaraoke]

And don't apologise for going on and waffling, you haven't done that anyway, but if you did, so what? It's your thread!