There's nothing anyone can do

[Messupmum]

Hospital won't help because my problems are long term.
I need to wait to see if the medication works.
I need to find something to fill my time but not stable enough for work yet.
Therapy needs to help.

Basically I'm fucked.

I'm very tempted to drive to a high bridge right at this moment. I'm a waste of space and it's all my fault, all my problems.

[whohasnickedmyvodka]

Hi mess up what's got you feeling this way today

[Messupmum]

I've long term mh problems and been told there's nothing anyone can do that's not already been done.

[Messupmum]

I stood on the bridge for a while, just looking down. The walk there and back felt like it wasn't me walking. I sat in the car for a long time. Took some ads on an empty stomach, got bad stomach pains, so came home and now lying in bed.

Wtf has my life come to? It wasn't meant to be like this. Keep thinking about a very vivid, emotional dream I had last night about dd being taken away and me being sectioned, except I wasn't.

If this is my life, and it's long term and going to hard to change things, even with meds and therapy, then I don't think I want to be here. I'm crap.

[silvermirror]

I think you really do need to get intouch with mind or something similair to act as a avacate for you.
I personally feel you need 24hr psychiatrict care.
Standing and leaning over bridges is not good at all could you go back to A and E and express how suicidle you are and share youv taken an OD of ADs.
You need to make an official complaint of your mental health care. Just because yr needs r long term doesnt dismiss yr current urgent needs now.

[Messupmum]

I rang some of the mh numbers earlier. Even spoke to the day hospital, they asked my name, I told them why I wanted to speak to someone. They said I had to speak to my cc. I had tried ringing the cmht, spoke to an arsey receptionist, so I just said 'ok'. Tried another place where I have therapy but the therapist was off. The receptionist there asked if I was ok, I just crumbled and she wouldn't let me off the phone until she'd contacted my cc. She ended up emailing her.

All this was around lunchtime, I've just had a call from my cc saying she'd got a message to say I wanted to speak to her. I told her. She said I need to avoid going there, and said 'you've been feeling like this for a long time haven't you'. This always makes me feel at fault. I said I don't know why. I tried to explain I get impulsive, I get a thought and it feels right. I feel there's nothing anyone can do. She said she had to go, so nothing has changed since this morning.

Every day I'm struggling. Maybe it's like 'crying wolf'. I've been suicidal that many times they don't react anymore?

[silvermirror]

Your cc failed in her duty of care please put in official letter of complaint. Your not getting the care you desprately need. If you really do feel you are going to commit suicide go straight to A and E.
I really dont look at any of your posts as crying wolf. If anything youv shown great self responsibility in requesting for support so you dont.
I really cant believe your so unsupported it will be criminal of your local mental health authority if you did succeed in suicide. I really feel for you i really do.
A+E Mind letter of complaint in that order x

[SilverStars]

Hi sorry you struggling to get helpful answers.

From my own understanding the only person a MH patient is meant to have contact with in between sessions is either the gp, Cpn or step up care/crisis team if on their lists. So it is normal for therapists, psychiatrists and therapy staff to not return calls and not make contact between sessions.

I say this because a few years ago I was a mess. Had 6-8 sessions with a therapist and kept calling to get more help. My dp even went above her level to try and get contact. They were very firm, said only provision was in set appointments. And correct channel was gp/Cpn out of sessions.

Maybe that is the same for you?

I wonder of you can ask your Cpn to help you draw up a crisis plan. Of what you should do, who to contact, when to contact when cannot cope on your own. That way if you follow an agreed plan that is on your notes you should get the right answers. Some people have a set number of times they can phone for help out of sessions. Some CMHT's have a duty worker available every day - does yours? Can you use that if your cn seeing other people and not able to call?

Have you asked for the day hospital? I wondered if you had day hospital then people could at least see how difficult it is for you now and then assess you properly?

You make a really good point that it is hard to fill days with positive things if no structure as not able to work and long empty days to fill. Can you ask your Cpn about what to do. Free college courses, short term? Some minds run groups where people can go to. Some places have depression support groups. Would have things to do, with no pressure help you?

[Messupmum]

Had therapy today but I couldn't speak . Got a few things planned for this wkend, but still got feelings of ending it, or feeling I'm looking down on everyone and I can do anything. I keep thinking of going back to that bridge. Panicking I'm not going to be alone this wkend to do this, but trying to arrange it so that I am.

Do I annoy my cpn by calling again tomorrow, and asking for crisis team? Is this stupid and self centered of me? Are there only so many times someone can be referred to crisis team? Got a feeling this has got to end soon, but I don't see how.

[Messupmum]

Also, I've contacted mind. The person I need to speak to is on holiday atm.

[SilverStars]

You can be under a crisis team as many times as you need.

A shame you could not tell the therapist today as they could have put you under crisis team today, but understand words do not always come.

Great you know the weekend is hard and if you can tell the Cpn that you re planning things and what they are and that you will have your child and that you want crisis team then she should sort it out for you. Easier to do it in the morning as Friday afternoons tend to be busier.

Remember if you cannot get hold of your Cpn ask them to get the duty Cpn to talk to you as sometimes cpn's take holiday or are ill and secretaries do not always tell you this. Your gp can put you under crisis tomorrow as well, any gp can in fact as another route.

[Messupmum]

But do you think it's strange to ask myself? I feel it's making it into a drama. If they didn't offer crisis team when I was standing on a bridge, they're not believing me are they?

[longtallsally2]

No, it's not strange to go and ask yourself, nor stupid and self centered - it's what they are there for. Keep on asking and knocking on doors. Some people (you, me, others) find this really hard, but sometimes you are the only one who is going to look after you. If you were your friend, think what you would say to you. You would get her to ask for help again, wouldn't you?

You do seem to be having bad luck with people on holiday and out of the office when you need them. But they will come through eventually. Keep on asking: silver obviously understands the system and is offering good advice.

Hang on in there. You did brilliantly contacting Mind. Hope that the person gets back from leave soon, and can be there for you.

[SilverStars]

Not strange no, taking responsibility I call it.

I think the difference may be, there are people who struggle with suicidal thoughts and impulses and those who are known to act on them. So perhaps the risk rating differs? Or some conditions have different issues and being stuck in a cycle of suicidal thoughts can mean different things ( please note am not saying it is not real for you!). Much will depend on how much you are seen as a risk to self or others ( a FACE assessment is the paperwork used in much of England!) - and you are not seen perhaps as high risk. Or have not got family or friends calling the police to search for you to take you to a place of safety which means they then act.

Perhaps when next see Cpn though discuss how to help you come down from this particular crisis episode - whether day hospital, different things for you to do in the day, medication tweaks, psychiatrist review, use of duty worker at the CMHT - whatever they suggest.

If you ask and then say no, try and ask maybe what they suggest you do. And remember the Cpn may say no but all you have to do is see any dr and ask them or go to A and E and ask for a psych assessment.

[Messupmum]

I think I'm just going to cope by myself, I can't face the shame of ringing up again and feeling like a waste of time.

[Messupmum]

I'm trying to cope and be 'normal'. It's not happening.

[SilverStars]

Just take every 15mins or hour as it comes if you can. And phone your family and friends if you think company will help you.

Does having a structure to a day help? If so even if it is going to a park, a soft play, the cinema, even the shops can you plan some things? Or get your dd to choose a film, get some snacks and have a film afternoon?

[Messupmum]

I just can't stop trying to harm myself! Weeks of this, months of it, on and off! At the moment I can't be alone without some horrible thought/urge in my head. I want to drink, sh in different ways or take risks in other ways. (Tonight it's alcohol and thoughts of nooses but scared to say and be reported I should just go to bed. I really hate myself don't i, otherwise I wouldn't do this.

[SilverStars]

Sleep sounds a great idea.

Do you have any nice plans to look forward to? Or can make some?

[Messupmum]

Had a lazy day with dd. I've had a few wobbles, the rain doesn't help. And I'm feeling panicky about my reckless behaviour recently, regarding spending too much money and letting myself be treated badly by a bloke.

Found a blog about a girl with bpd, which led to watching YouTube videos about bpd. Some are quite good, some are cringy all are triggering and upsetting but it makes me realise that I do have a mental illness, and suffering quite badly. I find that hard to take in. It helps in a way, that it's an illness, but it's hard that it's quite hard to treat, hell to live with, and there are many shitty symtoms.

At the moment I'm really struggling with the suicidal urges, especially having them for a long time, and attachment/abandonment issues. I think everyone hates me, I push them away, cancel appts. Then panic, cry and ring them, and think they're avoiding me but I need their help. I feel too many emotions all at once, I look for support from the hcp's then want to do it alone. My thoughts are very real and hard to control. I'm crying now, out of frustration, sadness for dd, anger that I want to die more than I want to live.

I feel I'm becoming a horrible person, a nightmare to treat and deal with. I'm hoping I'm not the worst client my cpn is dealing with atm. I'm scared of myself, I want to be normal and not want to throw myself off a bridge or take an od. I don't know if people understand that this is getting harder. Yes I have insight, but in a way, I wish I didn't. My head is too full and won't give me a break.

Sorry for long post, not sure if anyone really reads my posts anyway, apart from those lovely ones who have been patient and continue to try to keep me sane.

[Sevensev]

Do you ever have a break at all, a change of scenery?

[Messupmum]

I get a break from dd sometimes, sometimes put off going away due to anxiety. Just feels safer at home sometimes.

[SilverStars]

Do you have family or friends local to you, to use as a support system. Say for a few hours company if it helps? I am always better when around people, it helps pass the time. Not sure if it is the same for you?

[Sevensev]

You may feel safer at home, but I find that a change of scenery helps a lot to clear my head a lot.

[longtallsally2]

MM - it sounds as if finding the YouTube videos was helpful to you. Do you think that you have bpd? It would give you something concrete to discuss with your GP/cpn, when you next see them: a starting point for you. It's hard asking for help when you aren't sure what you need, but do keep on trying. Something you say, or something that comes up, can lead to the start of a new line of treatment.

I am sure that you aren't the worst client your cpn is dealing with at the moment! You are very concerned about your health professionals, which is lovely, but you really shouldn't worry. They are there to look after you and to help you find a way forward. Be yourself. Don't worry about the effect of what you say or don't say. Let them help you as much and as well as they can.

I also saw that you took the time to post on someone else's thread last week and to offer really kind advice which will have helped her, I'm sure. What you are going through is awful, but at least it can make you someone who will be able to support and help others in future - you will understand so much better than others what they are going through.

Thinking of you

[longtallsally2]

And yy to a change of scenery when you feel up to it. A walk in the sunshine to a favourite bench, or a nearby shop and a smile and a hello to someone can be a real help.