Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.
Jealousy of my neighbour is affecting my MH(27 Posts)
I've been thinking about posting this for a long time but it's so stupid I feel ashamed doing it. I've named changed for this. Basically my jealousy of my neighbour is driving me to distraction and I need to make it stop.
We're about the same age. She's far more glamourous than me, drives a nicer car, has nicer clothing and hair, has lots more friends (always having people over and parties), has an active social life, has more money. Basically she's everything I'm not. My marriage has been on the rocks for the last few years yet she has a partner who is attentive, buys her things, waits on her every need - everything my husband isn't. They're getting married soon so everything is all about how happy they are. I know all this because I stalk her social network sites almost every day.
I hate leaving the house when I know she's in - I feel like I'm being watched constantly. I've changed the way I dress so its more like her so she can't mock my clothes (I've overheard her friends slagging me off). I hate being in the garden when she's out there. I hate talking when I know she can hear me. I hate hearing them having sex through the wall.
I'm constantly thinking of ways I can make my house look more like theirs (even their house is nicer than mine). They had their garden done last year and I was so jealous I started going out late at night and spraying weedkiller over the fence late at night. I curtain twitch all the time to see what they're up to and any change at their house makes me stressed.
If I'm being honest she isn't a nice person (although it doesn't excuse my behaviour). She sabotaged our building work at the front of the house by spraying water on drying cement (didn't see her but she was the only one around when it happened). She deliberately wakes us up at night by being noisy and says things in my earshot meant for me. We aren't friendly with them at all.
I'm dreading their upcoming wedding, I can't be around seeing all those happy faces the day they get married. I've already planned to be away. I'm fretting about the high probability that they'll start a family very shortly and I simply can't be here when that happens. I think I might go insane if they have kids. I'm desperate to sell the house and get away but we can't afford it. I'm even putting off telling my husband our marriage isn't working - having to split and move out with half my belongings when I know she could be watching makes me feel sick. I don't want her to know even my marriage is a failure like I am.
I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not in a good place in my life generally and this fixation on her is making things worse. It's so simple to say 'just stop' but I can't. I have no-one I can tell all this because I'm so ashamed. I feel like a fraud for even admitting that this is an issue when in the scheme of things its very minor. I guess this is 'Keeping up with the Joneses' gone bad. Please help me.
Thanks for reading such a long post.
To be honest I think that you need to seek some help for this obsession. It's not healthy, for you or her.
She is nothing more to you than just the woman who lives next door. Do to give her more power over her life than she deserves.
Why not address the issues that you are unhappy about with your own life and stop focusing on hers? You are jealous of her friends, focus on finding some friends if your own. Your jealous of her relationship, concentrate on working on your own with your DH.
The fact that you sprayed weed killer iver the fence is appalling though. I hope that you know that.
There's no easy short-cut but you need to move on and (I mean this in a nice way, not an unkind way) get a grip.
I know. I know my behaviour is shocking, and I've really tried just to stop thinking about her and focus on my own (totally shambolic) life but it's hard. And I don't know why it's hard.
I'm at a very low point in my life which doesn't help. I don't go out (young DC) so have few friends and a failing marriage (which is unrelated to this but probably not helped by it).
I guess I'm looking for ways to help me stop. No access to professional help, can't afford it.
You're suffering from paranoia - there is no way if her life is as happy and settled as you describe that she deliberately sabotaged your building work. Or is having conversations about you.
You need help, you are very ill. Please see your GP, this is not something that is going to get better on its own.
She sabotaged your building work? You can hear her having sex through the wall?
She sounds rough as arseholes, to be honest.
Nothing takes priority over your mental health, it's the same as you saying you can't afford crutches if you've broken your leg so you'll just sit down for 6 weeks.
You need to go to the GP and deal with your mental health.
Work on your marriage either seek counselling or leave. you can't stay in a bad marriage because you think your neighbour would look down on you.
she is nothing to you sort your own life out and stop stalking your neighobur on the intenet!
You sound very low and I agree withlaurie
You don't really know if she is as happy as she makes out she is. She can be living with debt and just as she looks happy and wealthy, doesn't mean she is.
How do you know for sure it was her that wet the cement?
I think that I agree with the other poster that you need to talk to someone professional about this.
You need to get to your GP immediately.
You sound very unwell.
Your obsession with your neighbour is a symptom, not the problem.
Please get yourself some help.
Ok. It just seems very silly to rock up at the GP and say 'im jealous of my neighbour'. But yes, probably a symptom of all the other things going on in my head.
I think you need help asap i would be really concernd if you were my neighbor please see your gp
OP go to your GP please and tell them what you've psoted ehre tell them how you are feeling. They wont think you are silly at all.
They won't think it's silly at all.
They will know that there's more going on.
It will be the very best thing you can do for yourself.
You sound like a teenager, fixating on a pop star to avoid exam stress. This is actually all about you not her. Tbh I doubt you actually enter her radar. I certainly bet she didn't do this stuff you say as I doubt she gives you the headspace. You though are worrying about all this in order to avoid doing anything good in your own life. You are avoiding tackling your marriage. You are avoiding tackling your own self esteem. All because you think she might notice.
She won't. You could turn out like Elle McPherson but I doubt she would notice because you are not important to her.
You need to get a grip of your own issues. Doing something practical there will make you feel better this removing your need to fixate on her. Stop avoiding things.
I think you are seriously depressed. This was one of the ways my own depression manifested itself, my own life had no meaning or future but others were seemingly taunting me with theirs. Get yourself to the gp now! Things WILL get better, I'm living proof!
Minnie I think we can all thread a little gently on this one.
Most of us think the OP is very unwell.
Like others above, I too think you should go and see your GP. You don't sound well. Stalking your neighbour on social media and putting weedkiller on her garden are signs that things are getting out of control.
Ironically I'm actually studying for a degree at the moment so Minnie might be right about avoiding exam stress.
It feels very weird to read people telling you that you're not well. But now I'm glad I posted.
I will get the courage to ring my GP.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Well I don't personally like trying to diagnose someone with a mental health issue. Yes she could be unwell. She could equally be mentally bored. She could be focusing on her neighbour as it fills time, hours and hours otherwise not actively filled. She could be fixating because it's nicer to than dealing with her own marriage issue. She could have a rather ott crush as she's copying so much of her life.
She could be many things in many different degrees. Perhaps it's limiting rather than encouraging to suggest she's mentally disturbed? And why should that be the first thing she is? It's got a bit out of hand. Doesn't mean she needs meds or counselling. A good book recommendation might be sufficient. Wish I knew one to suggest. Sorry op. Hope it sorts out soon for you.
Honestly get yourself to the GP. You don't go in and say "I'm jealous of my neighbour". You go in and explain your depression since that is what it is. You can of course explain that one of the symptoms is that you feel inferior to others and that you struggle to focus on anything else.
I would also second however what others have said. She doesn't sound like someone you should be jealous of. She sounds pretty nasty and not the type of person you'd want to be at all. And her Facebook stories don't mean anything. Facebook is just for bragging and half of it probably isn't true anyway.
Cross posted with op! Good. Good start. Doesn't sound like you have hours spare, maybe too much on instead.
Try writing the issues as a list? Break them down into specific things and see if any of them you could do something about yourself positively? You need to cut the noise out and re focus, possibly. Dunno. Easy for me to say... Still wish you luck
Sounds like a very simple solution but could you move? Start afresh somewhere else. Apart from the jealousy issues you both clearly dislike each other so maybe you'd be happier somewhere else?
Also block her on social networking sites so you aren't tempted to snoop. It will make you feel more detached from her and hopefully better.
You sound like you have very low self esteem. What do you think would make you feel better? You mentioned you think she has a better marriage than you - what can be done to change that? Can it be changed do you think?
I'm sure her life isn't all roses. 6 years ago I was earning 50k as a senior executive with a beautiful house in a lovely area. life was good on the outside. But inside my life was empty and I was seriously depressed. I hated my job. I hated my dh (and him me even though we kept up the charade on fb etc).
I am now remarried. Haven't got a pot to piss in and currently 2 stone overweight and hardly ever bother with make up. I don't work as we now have a little toddler son .. I couldn't be happier and feel no envy of anyone. At all.
You have to find your own happiness. It's a symptom of needing to find yourself.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.