I'm so angry I've just read through my late sister's mental health report.

[Juneywoony]

I've made posts regarding my sisters suicide on 27th Oct 2013.

Today our mum sent me the copy of the mental health report, it is just so upsetting. It states all the times and dates of visits, phone calls from the crisis team on a daily basis for about 5 weeks up until her death. It also reports on her mood and things she was saying, in most it was talks of suicide, she even rang them at 06.00 6 days before she died saying she had the pills ready and was going to do it, they managed to talk her out of it and came later that day at 13.25! All the way through it says no mood change, despondent yet 2 days before her death a psychiatrist visited the house came and gave her a packet of diazepam, stated that no acute treatment was needed and no mental health act assessment was needed! I'm so fucking angry what does somebody in crisis have to do to get into hospital, she could still be here now.

[DameFanny]

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like she was a determined person. But you're clearly missing her. My words are rubbish in this situation, but I didn't want to not answer. I'm so sorry.

[Juneywoony]

I don't think she was determined, otherwise she wouldn't have been telling them she felt that way or ringing them saying she had the pills ready to take them. If you read the report you would see what I mean, she was crying out so desperately for help and they didn't. She had suffered for over 4 years, she paid privately for therapy, until she couldn't afford to carry on and the nhs didn't provide her with any. She did so much to try and help herself but nothing was working, she tried various anti depressants, self help etc...

[Abbierhodes]

Oh that must be awful. Suicide is terrible, devastating. Be kind to yourself. Take one day at a time. Words are so pointless, I know.

[DameFanny]

I'm so sorry. Do you have anyone with you?

[Juneywoony]

Yes your right there are no words apart from how crap our mental health system is.

My husband and children are upstairs, I've no thoughts of self harm myself. I have Bipolar and Emotionally Unstable personality disorder myself. I have spent most of the last two months in hospital, I just can't cope with it all. Just wish it was a terrible nightmare I could wake up from.

[Suicidal5833]

I'm so sorry to hear this I agree with you our mental health service is crap and they should admit easier.

[Messupmum]

It makes you wonder what on earth people have to do to get the help they need and to get 24 hour care. What was their excuse for not taking her seriously and admitting her?

So sorry for your loss x

[Branleuse]

our mental health system is ridiculously bad.
im so sorry about your sister x

[Meglet]

Mental health has been shit for years . There isn't the space to type what crap I know about the system, from my own miserable experience and that of friends + family.

My sister has recently left a psychiatric unit after 6yrs because she said it's criminal the way they over-medicate and refuse to acknowledge problems like autism.

The NHS has just happily thrown money investigating my IBS (scans, colonoscopies, endoscop etc), nothing is too much trouble (or expense) for physical conditions. But I've been trying to get counselling for 2yrs and all I have been given is a fecking crappy telephone consultation at the end of the month.

[Juneywoony]

It says they felt at the time from the risk assessment and management plan done two days before her death, that the intensive level of service support from the crisis team was appropriate, however, it also says that there was a need for a joint discussion between the psychiatrist who saw her that day and a senior consultant on the afternoon of that day to discuss if that was the right decision. This did not take place, the reason they gave was because the consultant was on leave.

They say they are identifying staff to undertake psychological therapy skills training and that they are recommending that procedures be put into place to enable greater flexibility to move resources where the need is at the time.

What breaks my heart the most is that in that final month my sister had said two times that this bout of depression was different and that it was final. On one occasion she said that she had only agreed to look after a friends dog whilst she was on holiday was because she thought she would be dead by then and wouldn't have to do it.

The final part that hurts and angers me is that the last contact made with the crisis team was made by her at 13.25, she told them that she felt particularly worse and that she felt let down, they told her to practise the discussion techniques they had suggested previously.

She was last seen at 01.00 by the next door neighbour, coming down the path to the house, she was swaying and had a smile on her face. ( the toxicology report showed there was no alcohol in her system and just the normal dosage of her medication, so no overdose).
At 07.00 on the 27th of October my brother came up the stairs and saw his guitar strap wedged around the door to her bedroom, he know instinctively why. He knocked and called but there was no answer, he opened the door and she fell down. He called for an ambulance and ran round to the neighbours, the ambulance crew came and she was pronounced dead at 07.50. Post-mortem results suggested she had died around four hours before she was pronounced dead.

[Juneywoony]

She would have turned 28 four days after her death, it is just so tragic.

I am sorry for ranting and giving too much detail that may upset people. I have talked and talked to family and friends and feel I can't anymore as I am just boring them and hurting them even more. I was put on a bereavement counselling list the week of her death, still not heard anything and they have given me no indication of how long this list is. My heart is broken and I just don't know what do

[Messupmum]

You can say whatever you want here. It's scary, and I'm relating a lot to your sister. I don't want to say too much and upset you, but I'm feeling different this time too. I've told the cmht I can't stop thinking about it, made plans and see no other option. I also can't make plans for the summer etc as I just feel I won't be here. But they think telling me I have so much to live for, and to do things I enjoy, use distraction techniques etc, will help. I don't know what to expect them to do, but unfortunately I expect there are many people feeling like to your sister did, and we're being let down.

I feel so sad for you, but still can't imagine my family being sad. Sorry to ask, did your sister have a diagnosis? Did you get admitted because of your bipolar?

Trying to be careful about what I'm saying, so sorry if I'm being out of order with what I'm saying.

Hope you can start to move on, and get some answers soon. Look after yourself x

[Suicidal5833]

I'm really sorry for this tragic loss I've been begging for addmittance even had a failed suicide attemp And they still just let me home. Now I'm a drug addict instead. All because there isn't enough help. I still feel suicidal but don't bother with crisis no more.

I'm so sorry your sister was failed by the system.

[Juneywoony]

Thank you all for your kind words and for seeing it is not just me with my jumbled mind through illness and grief that it was the system who let her down so terribly.

Messedupmum don't worry about upsetting me, nothing could make me feel any worse than I do. My sister was diagnosed with depression and PTSD, the PTSD was from her ex boyfriend of 6 years killing himself 5 years ago, she blamed herself and that is what triggered her depression.

I was admitted to hospital because the grief triggered a severe depressive episode, I have bipolar type 2 and am prone to depression more than the hypomanic and have quite a lot of mixed and rapid cycling episodes. Somewhere along the line I have been diagnosed with emotionally unstable personality disorder as well which I think is the new name for borderline. I think I am seen as high risk as I have made numerous suicide attempts from the age of 15, I'm almost 37 now.

All I can say to you messedupmum is that even though you can't see it, your family will be devastated, it is just the illness clouding your thoughts and judgement. I have seen posts on this site and spoken to people in real life who have had a parent die through suicide when they were young and it has really messed them up, they feel as though the parent must not have loved them enough to stay alive.

I just couldn't try again as there is no way I could make my kids and family and friends feel the way that I do now, I would rather live in hell with sorrow and sadness which I do most of the time through my illnesses, so they do not have to go through that, especially with the grief as well.

When I am better and stronger I am going to seek professional advice and make a complaint to the crisis team involved, I know it will not bring my sister back but they may change something that could help somebody else and stop another family going through what we are. It would mean the world to me if I could just change one persons life.

Suicidal5833 I can identify with you, there were many times after overdoses that I was sent home and received no aftercare other than my GP. The system is an utter and complete joke.

Thank you all for helping and talking to me, x

[BrianTheMole]

Its hard Juney. This happened to my friends sister. She went into her mh unit and begged them to admit her. They didn't and she went home and killed herself.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

[GRW]

I am so sorry for your devastating loss, and the fact that she was let down by mental health services makes it even harder to bear. I hope that lessons will be learned so that other people don't suffer in the same way. You are helping other people by raising awareness here.

[Juneywoony]

Thanks Lara, it was also her inquest on Tuesday, none of us went but the coroner emailed me the report, just to see it all in black in white on an official document makes it seem more real if that makes sense. Now to read this mental health report it's tipping me over the edge again. I've had people say to me you shouldn't have read them until you are better but I just couldn't help it.

I got discharged from hospital on Tuesday too, they took me off the amisulpride as my breasts were (still are) full of milk. they decided that I was better off without an anti psychotic, they did not warn me that I could have such bad withdrawal symptoms. I've had about 10 hours sleep over the last 3 nights, I've got weird twitching going on in my muscles and my mood is so low and my mind is whizzing and racing again. I swallowed my pride and rang the crisis team out of shear desperation Thursday night crying my eyes out, they said I wasn't open to them and they couldn't do anything. They just told me to ring the hospital ward I was on, as expected I rang the ward but they said because I had been discharged they couldn't help me. I rang my cpn yesterday morning, she rang my out patient consultant who asked her to refer me to the crisis team until he could see me. She let me know she had contacted them and that they would ring me last night, and surprise surprise they didn't!!
I rang them this morning, the woman said that I was on the system for a call and didn't know why I had not been called. I asked her if she could find out how long these symptoms would last and could I have some zopiclone to help me sleep as I know I deteriorate quickly when I go without sleep. She said that there was nobody over the weekend that could prescribe meds!!!! I knew that was bullshit so I kept talking and asking, eventually she said she would call somebody and get back to me. She did actually get back to me 30 mins later, said the night staff would drop off a zopiclone tonight any time after 9.30 but they couldn't stop and talk as they are too busy!!!!!!!

I bloody hated the crisis team for my own reasons before their dealings with my sister and now this latest involvement is just as crappy as it has been in the past.

[Suicidal5833]

So sorry to hear you are also having a hard time with crisis.

[Khalessi]

June I hope you get some help and support soon. I've switched anti psychotic and that was really tough so I can't imagine how awful it is to quit full stop. It's good you have the insight to ask for zopiclone to get more sleep, I do hope you get some rest.
I'm so sorry to hear about your sister, how utterly devastating.

[Messupmum]

I bet these awful cases happen all the time, and are kept secret from the public. Something needs to be done. More beds are needed. If someone's begging for help, they need to be listened to. Those who are fighting against killing themselves need help. Just because we ask for help, doesn't mean we're not going to do it.

[Juneywoony]

The week after my sister died I read an article in one of the national papers stating how many mental health beds had been cut in various counties, the county she was living in was the worst, 29 beds! I had to shut the paper and screamed, one of those beds should have been hers.

Like I said when I get better I will not let this lie, I will fight it all the way and make more awareness.

Lara I'm not sure when I'm seeing my consultant, they basically said when they discharged me they would refer me back to my out patient psych and couldn't give me any clue as to when that would be. My cpn spoke to him yesterday, he told her he can't see me this following week but would try and squeeze me in the week after. He has just under 400 patients on his books and has no understudy at the moment (can't think of the right name for this person).

Med's just got dropped off, I asked if they wanted to come in they said no, told me their names gave me the meds and off they popped, didn't ask how I was, felt etc..... I've only been out of hospital since Tuesday!! Would it have hurt to ask how I was or if I needed any help. Like I keep saying but they are a complete and utter joke.