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Panicky and worrying I will hurt my child.

(11 Posts)
GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 21-Jan-14 18:32:51

Hi everyone.

I thought I'd NC but thought what's the point really in doing that.

Anyway I have a 9 month old DD who I love dearly and unconditionally. I am on Sertraline (have been on antid's since 12 years old, 23 nearly 24 now). I am on 50mg at the moment but was on 150mg before being pregnant.

I was on it because of depression. I really don't like feeling depressed so have been on them to avoid this.

Anyway recently I have started to not feel depressed but very panicky. I have had panic attacks before, but they were far from regular (once or twice a year maybe, or more if something bad happened).

I keep being afraid I am going to hurt my child. Not deliberately. I am frightened that I will accidently knock her out. I'm terrified that I'm secret a paedophile or a murderer or something like that and would end up hurting her and not cut out to be a good parent. I think this because I don't feel instant disgust with some horrible things that happen in the news I'm disgusted but I'm disgusted on a rational level more and I'm not sure if this is my emotions dulled down due to medication or something else. But some other times I'm hysterical with sadness like that case about 5 months ago when the little boy was starved to death I was in tears.

I'm so frightened one of these things is true and I just panic. It's not like me never been like this before does anyone know what is wrong with me here?

I'm breastfeeding DD [mixed feeding really] so I don't want to stop unless I really have to. When I think I might be something bad or that she might be hurt due to my negligence/stupidity I feel a cold disgust inside of me.

I seriously don't know what is wrong. I just feel so panicky and upset. Does anyone have any experiences with feeling like this?

FWIW I've never fancied children or been a particularly violent person but I don't know if I have a uti or something as I burn down there in the last few days and never had that before and I have been so moody and irritable I don't know how I feel. I'm waffling now can someone please help?

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 21-Jan-14 18:35:06

I'm sorry for waffling on I don't think I've had any other mental health problems before.

But I have gone to the CAHMS before due to depression and some other bad things I didn't like to think about although didn't always talk about them.

Thanks to anyone who has read this it's very helpful thank you.

LastingLight Tue 21-Jan-14 18:39:41

You need help. Please make an appointment to see your doc and tell him/her what you told us in this post. I also started out with depression in my teens, only started treatment when I was 30, and due to stress I started having issues with anxiety as well. It can happen. Your meds may need to be changed a bit and counselling will also help.

gamerchick Tue 21-Jan-14 18:40:43

it sounds like anxiety which really sucks.

make an appointment with your gp for the burning down below and tell him you're having intrusive thoughts and are feeling the physical effects of anxiety.

you are not alone in feeling this way... don't keep how you're feeling to yourself.

GRW Tue 21-Jan-14 18:47:23

I'm sorry things are so hard for you just now. I think you need to make an appointment to see your GP tomorrow, and tell her what you have written here. You could well have a UTI which might need an antibiotic. Sometimes strange thoughts about harming a child can be triggered by having a baby, but there is help and support for this. If you don't want to go to your GP a phone call to your Health Visitor might be a good place to start getting the help you need. I hope you have someone to talk to in real life about this.

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 21-Jan-14 18:55:31

I am living with my parents right now so thank goodness they can keep an eye on her as well as myself. They are really, really helpful and are there to help if I need rest and that.

My partner comes down too and is great with DD. I hate the thought that I'd ever do anything less than love her to death.

It's really, really stupid.

I know I can't feel this way for any length of time I'd just cry and break down and possibly over time do something worse it's just horrible.

LittleMissGerardButlersMinion Tue 21-Jan-14 18:59:31

It sounds like your anxiety has increased which can happen when you have a child.

Would you be able to see your GP and discuss maybe increasing your medication again? Or see what else they suggest.

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 21-Jan-14 20:46:38

I am going to go see my gp tomorrow yes definitely.

Hopefully I can up my medication again and see if that helps.

I think I may have a UTI and not sure if that could also be making things worse and making me feel a bit skitty.

Feel a tiny bit calmer now.

mouse26 Tue 21-Jan-14 20:50:53

Hi gimme,

My Ds's are much older than your lo and I have recently had panic attacks for similar reasons. I know I am usually a good mum, and I know that I would never do anything to harm my DC, but the absolute terror that I created in my mind caused me to break down a few Weeks ago. I saw my gp last week and am on citalopram at the moment, only just started this week though so not sure how that will go yet. Please do visit your doctor, just talking to them might make you feel better, and if not they will be able to help thanks

GimmeDaBoobehz Wed 22-Jan-14 17:35:52

Went to doctor.

Upped meds from 50mg to 100mg.

Going to refer onto a talking therapy.

Also being checked to see if have a UTI [sample being sent off].

Now I just have to deal with the nursing strike...

LastingLight Wed 22-Jan-14 18:24:36

I'm glad you went to the doc and hopefully the higher dose will help. Therapy will also be very beneficial in helping you to come up with coping strategies.

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