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What if suicide really is the only way out?

(77 Posts)
littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 02:49:22

I don't really expect anyone to be around at this time, not sure why I'm posting other than a vague hope for some kind words, even though I don't deserve them.

I posted a little while ago about paranoia, about feeling like I'm being watched all the time. I saw a GP about this yesterday and she prescribed an additional med to take with my AD, but I can't take them. I read the side-effects, and they're scary. I can't decide if I'm scared of the potential side effects, or if I'm scared that these tablets aren't what they're supposed to be. I was paranoid that the MH team I see were part of whatever is going on, and if they were, so was the GP. I forced myself to see her and I'm more scared than I was before. I keep thinking about the appointment and can't tell if I'm remembering what happened reliably.

Self harmed last night and it helped a bit, but not enough. Hasn't helped tonight either. Nothing I normally do when I feel low or anxious is helping.

I'm trying to listen to music to distract but lyrics are jumping out at me and I don't feel safe at all. I've changed bands so many times, but even the most upbeat inane poppy rubbish seems to be saying so much. Even fail safe songs that I always go to when I feel low, seem off, like they're malevolent.

The only thought in my head that feels like it's actually right, is of OD'ing. I can't stop thinking of new things to be scared of, there's no end to it. I don't expect anyone to know what to say but I needed to get it out and I can't think of anywhere else that feels safe. Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, my head is pounding.

I'm not an expert but I had to say something. Please ring the samaritans 08457 90 90 90.

Listen to some classical or relaxation music rather than stuff with lyrics?

I don't know your background but please hold fire. I can't stay up for much longer I'm sorry, but trust me, things can and will look brighter. Write, draw, post on here some more. Wishing you all the best, littlegingercat x

AdoraBell Sun 19-Jan-14 03:00:48

Is there Anyone you feel safe talking To?

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:02:43

I'm not an expert either, but I am around.

The problem with suicide is that it is for ever.

Things can seem very bleak in the middle of the night, but better in the morning.

Please do what tallwiv said- call someone. The Samaritans are a very good listening ear. Do you have a crisis mental health number you can ring?

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 03:18:38

I can't call anyone, I have pretty severe anxiety at the best of times and phones are beyond me. I don't have access to the crisis team, though I wouldn't be able to contact them even if I did.

I'll try some classical music, the thing is that I need the immersion in order for it to be distracting, but things are getting too triggering. I might try watching something instead, I have a couple of boxsets that I know are safe. I tried writing but if there are cameras then they could see but I type fast and the computer is angled at the wall so I feel safer typing.

I thought that I could talk to the GP, and I felt ok while I was actually talking to her, but now I don't feel so sure. I think I said too much though I deliberately didn't mention sui thoughts, and I can't remember how she looked. I think I did the wrong thing seeing her, I shouldn't have said anything. I can't trust anyone medical. I'm supposed to have an MH appointment on Monday and I know the person I'm seeing is part of it but I have to have her in my house. I don't know what to do about her

Thank you all so much, I really didn't expect replies especially at this time.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:22:24

Can you have a really long hot shower? Often things seem a bit better after a shower. Do you think you'll be able to sleep or are you too on edge?

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:23:34

Are you at home or in hospital?

doormat Sun 19-Jan-14 03:23:55

take a trip to a and e love..u need help asap

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:28:59

Can you email the Samaritans? Their website seems to suggest that you can email them on this address: jo@samaritans.org

I hope I didn't misread that information- their site said that they are trying to offer a mobile text and online support service as well, but that you could contact them on that number tallwiv found or that email address.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:30:34

I'm not sure they answer the emails as fast as the phone according to this page though.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 03:36:24

I'm at home, I've never been in hospital. I can't get to A&E, it's miles away and I can't go out on my own. Literally can't, I've had anxiety/phobias for so long that it's a physical incapability now. I don't think I could actually leave my house if it were on fire, this is why I see the MH people.

i could definitely try a shower, just need to find a way to keep the SH dry because I don't want it to open back up again. I have a really bad headache and I just want to take something for it, but I can't be sure that the tablets I have are what I bought. I want to go to sleep but I feel jittery and edgy, I think I want to wait until it's light outside.

I emailed the Samaritans a few hours ago, and they've not replied yet. I've used their email service before and they do take quite a while to reply.

Thank you both, I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, I'm trying to delete and rearrange the things I'm typing but it's not working that well.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:38:22

Have you any steristrips in the house? Can you steristrip up the cut and pop a dressing on it before going in the shower?

lottieandmia Sun 19-Jan-14 03:39:14

You sound very unwell to me. Are you under a psychiatrist?

Honestly I do understand how you are feeling and I have been there myself. But please believe me when I tell you that it is possible for you to get better and that one day you will feel different.

Right now though, you sound like you should be in hospital where people can take care of you and help you to become stable.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:39:47

And drink some water! A pint at least. It may take some of the edge off the headache.

CrispyCrochet Sun 19-Jan-14 03:44:30

Littlegingercat I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you can get the help you need and soon but definitely know that suicide is not the answer.

Do you have any friends or family you could call/email/text to come & stay with you? If you tell them how you are feeling I'm sure they won't mind the hour.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Sun 19-Jan-14 03:46:42

Samaritans; emails can take a few hours to reply to. Text messages similar although usually quicker than email. Samaritans are there at the end of the phone always. Even if you can't really talk at the moment. They won't tell you what to do or try to make things seem superficially better. They will just be there for you, to listen.

duchesse Sun 19-Jan-14 03:50:26

OP, just remembered that a GP friend swears by super-glue for cuts. If you have some in the house you could try that instead of steristrips. Just make sure you really dry the wound before applying the glue. And this site seems to suggest that there are some you shouldn't use although my friend didn't seem to think it would be an issue.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 03:54:12

Cuts are steri-stripped, but they're not dry so the strips aren't sticking and they're in an awkward place so they keep popping off. Last nights are 'gunky' so everything is slidy. I'm going to cut up a carrier bag and stick that over them and hope that works.

I don't see a psychiatrist, I see an OT and a support worker. Last psychiatrist I saw just made up things about me in the letter he sent, so I'm not too keen on seeing another. None of the MH people can be trusted anyway they're unreliable and they think things but don't say them.
Hospital is my worst nightmare, I can't cope with people at all even when I'm not being this crazy paranoid person.

I'll get some water, and I've got some of those cold patches that stick on your forehead which are usually really helpful. I feel quite sick probably because I can't stop panicking.

I don't have any friends, and no family that I could talk to about this sort of thing. None of them are nearby anyway, and at 4 a.m, I'd have to be literally at death's door to meet anything but annoyance.

what if there are things under my skin that are transmitting information about me? I mean, is that realistic? I want to think that it's not because it'd be in the papers if it happened to people, but what if no-one knows about it yet? I sound like a complete idiot but I can't stop these thoughts

CrispyCrochet Sun 19-Jan-14 03:55:00

I hope you find the courage to call someone Littlegingercat - you don't have to discuss anything sensitive. Just tell them how you are feeling & you need the company.

CrispyCrochet Sun 19-Jan-14 04:14:55

OP I'm going to try & get some sleep. I hope you try the same. I'll be thinking of you & will check in when I wake up next.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 04:34:58

Thank you

Calling someone isn't really an option. The only person I could call is my mum. She and I don't discuss this kind of thing, she'd be mad at me for calling at this time and I'd just feel worse.

Showering helped though, and I have some camomile tea. I want to SH again, I think a little more might just help enough so I can sleep.

I am concentrating very hard on ignoring the meds I have, I know that sounds backwards but if I don't concentrate then they seem to scream at me that they're there and I need to OD. I am exhausted but so awake. everything is so conflicting, every time I think of something, it's opposing thought is instantly in my head. I can't tell what I'm actually thinking any more, everything is there and not there, positive and negative, right and wrong exactly at the same time. I want to be alone but I know I'm being watched and I don't know if I should show how I'm feeling or if it's safer to be blank.

AdoraBell Sun 19-Jan-14 04:41:44

I'm glad the shower helped and the Chamomile tea will help too.

CrispyCrochet Sun 19-Jan-14 08:31:18

Hi OP. Let us know how things are this morning. I hope you were able to resist SH again & get some sleep. I hope the daylight helps you see things in a more positive light & that you can improve your situation today.

littlegingercat Sun 19-Jan-14 14:55:56

Thank you all

I did SH last night, but it was very minor and I didn't OD, so it's definitely not as bad as it could have been.

I'm worried about tomorrow's appointment. I always feel really unsafe after appointments or dealing with people at all. I know that whatever is going on, the MH team are part of it and I don't know what I should say tomorrow. I want to OD just so I don't have to deal with it. I won't, but I desperately want to and I don't know how to cope with how much worse I'll feel after the appointment when I already feel like this.

Very concerned that there's more to my headache than I think there is.

SilverStars Sun 19-Jan-14 15:15:49

If you need help before Monday's appointment and cannot get out of the house then you can phone 111, for the out of hours dr's service. They can offer you an appointment wherever they work from. If you cannot leave the house tell them this and they may offer to visit you. They can look at your wounds and deal with them. They can also refer you to a crisis team (most people do not have access to a crisis team unless they are referred by a gp or out of hours gp service) - and they can phone or visit you until your usual MH service take over their support.

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