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The day started so well. . .

(94 Posts)
mouse26 Fri 17-Jan-14 22:18:48

Was diagnosed with depression yesterday. I suspect it started a while ago - the dc have been quite stressful for some months, finances haven't been great - but I didn't really notice properly until 2 weeks ago. I've always been prone to worrying, although even my dp hadn't realised to what extent because I don't like to put too much onto other people. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I lay in bed, not getting to sleep, and started to worry. One of my biggest worries has always been the dc - what if they get seriously ill, or have an accident, or somebody takes them etc etc. Somehow, it warped in my mind - so not only was I worrying about those things, I began to freak out that I might be the cause/the one to do it.

I haven't really slept properly since, I have no appetite, I'm throwing up at least once a day, I'm always on the verge of tears or actually crying. I do the things I'm supposed to do - I get the dc off to school, go to work, do stuff around the house - but it's all like I'm on autopilot. My doctor has prescribed citalopram, but I haven't started taking them yet because my dp works nights and I would rather he were home for the first few days. I plan to start on Sunday. I woke up this morning feeling fairly good though, maybe because I saw the doctor yesterday and I know there is help, but then it was completely shot to bits tonight. The dc started bickering again as soon as I went to put them to bed, then started hitting each other, and I just had a screaming rant at them. Now they're in bed miserable and I'm sitting here sobbing sad

Sorry for the LONG post, just needed to get it out I think

Notaddictedtosugar Sat 18-Jan-14 14:08:52

I hope you are feeling a bit more positive this morning! Well done for taking the first step and seeing the GP. Hopefully things will improve for you now.

mouse26 Sat 18-Jan-14 15:54:57

Thanks, I feel slightly better this afternoon but had a very tearful morning. My poor family haven't a clue what to do with me, I know it will get better though, hopefully sooner rather than later

mouses Sat 18-Jan-14 22:13:19

I have days where I just break down, kids get yelled at, tempers fly, tears roll...

I think its the guilt that gets me. there just kids and its my fault I cant handle them. :-( wish I could but this illness beats me down.

I have no words of wisdom, just thought it helps to talk/share experiences.
I hope the meds help you settle better, they can take a few weeks to kick in, I was scared to take them at first - they took the edge off my issues, then at one point I was scared to run out of them! confused

all the best x

mouse26 Sat 18-Jan-14 22:46:02

Definitely been a day like that today mouses, I go between being so irritated with them I just want to scream or feeling like such a terrible mother that I can't do anything but cry. It's nice to know other people have similar experiences though and I do think that the meds will help when I start them. I've heard some people have an increase in anxiety when they first start taking them though and, since I had a bit of a break down brought on by anxiety last week, I daren't take them when I'm alone with the dc.

This whole thing is new for me, I'm ashamed to say that I have never really understood it before when people have spoken to me about depression, both my mum and sister have suffered in the past.

All the best to you too x

TheReluctantCountess Sat 18-Jan-14 22:48:04

There is light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is a long way off.
Well done for getting through today - take one day at a time.

mouses Sun 19-Jan-14 01:01:03

yea meds do have side effects I first took mine after the kids went to sleep, that way if I had any side effects they were asleep and I can sit alone with out being bothered or needed for something.

oh I believe ive had it since childhood, wasn't until I had kids and realised how different i acted I seeked help. still seeking really.....

can honestly say - no one can truly understand it unless they've experienced it.

heres hoping todays a good day :-)

mouse26 Sun 19-Jan-14 11:19:54

So I went to bed feeling almost normal last night and very positive . . Woke up back at square one sad the DC are bickering again, dp was at work till 6:30 so he's still in bed. I feel so bad because I know the minute he Wakes up he's going to be faced with me crying again. Both my mum and best friend know the situation now so it helps to know I can talk to them if I need to and its a big help being able to write on here, makes me feel slightly less lost and alone

mouses Mon 20-Jan-14 12:27:40

know that feeling, both kids and dp get it in the ear! poor buggers.

always someone on here who can talk and relate, it helps me understand it all, makes me feel less lost like yourself x

mouse26 Mon 20-Jan-14 12:53:05

Hi mouses

Took the first pill last night, I though id be sleepy with it but ended up awake most of the night. Had to ring in sick for work today just to grab a couple of hours sad

It really is crap feeling like this. Hope you're doing ok today x

LastingLight Mon 20-Jan-14 14:52:49

Hang in there, the pills take a couple of weeks to kick in. In the meantime be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I know it's hard on dp and dc's, my dh and dd has suffered a lot when I was ill, but they get over it. The relationships repair once you are feeling better.

mouse26 Mon 20-Jan-14 17:51:12

Good to hear that you got better lasting

mouse26 Tue 21-Jan-14 10:45:55

Massive crash today, barely slept last night, have twitchy legs sad spent most of this morning crying and wishing I could fade away. dp being very supportive but he's as lost as I am. 3 days in to the meds though so hopefully they'll start working soon

LastingLight Tue 21-Jan-14 11:01:25

Did the doc book you off work? Do you feel things got worse since you started taking the meds?

mouse26 Tue 21-Jan-14 11:08:59

She wanted to sign Me off but I can't actually afford to be off sick so I told her not to. I might have to Ask her for a sick note though when I go back to see her Thursday - I haven't been at work at all yet this week sad I don't think I'm any worse than I was the last couple of Weeks its just that yesterday was not too bad, no tears, so it felt like I might be getting somewhere and now it doesn't iyswim

LastingLight Tue 21-Jan-14 16:21:10

It's good that you've got an appointment for Thursday, then she can tweak the meds if necessary.

mouses Tue 21-Jan-14 17:28:58

hi mouse26 glad you started the pills, they will work for you. theresso many others if these one aint for you.

I had the shivers/shakes when I started on my meds. was awful but they did fade. think you should get some time off work, it may help you to relax?

keep going x

mouse26 Tue 21-Jan-14 18:46:37

I'm going to take the rest of the week off I think and try to get my head a bit straighter, it might do me some good confused

LastingLight Tue 21-Jan-14 19:47:48

I think that is a very good thing.

mouses Tue 21-Jan-14 21:24:21

second that,
keep posting if you need a chat, I have black days where I don't move from my curled up self on the sofa - but will reply whenever im on here

x

mouse26 Tue 21-Jan-14 21:27:57

Thanks you two - I find it easier to put stuff on here than I do to say it to anyone around me, its such a massive help smile x

mouse26 Wed 22-Jan-14 21:07:58

Today has been much better smile Slept really well last night, I actually slept through the alarm this morning, missed my dentist appointment and didn't see the dc before they went to school - dp had sorted them and dropped them off before I woke up at 10 confused

I even managed a genuine smile for the first time in weeks - things seem to be looking up. Back to the doctors tomorrow morning - citalopram seems to be doing the trick for today but I realise that I may still have some awful days ahead

mouses Thu 23-Jan-14 11:59:19

glad you have a god rest and feeling better, don't think of bad days - just enjoy the present moment :-)

thumbs up for your dp helping :-D

LastingLight Thu 23-Jan-14 14:56:20

There is nothing like a good night's sleep to make the world look brighter. Glad to hear you're feeling better.

mouse26 Thu 23-Jan-14 21:28:28

Hi mouses and Lasting - Hope you are both doing okay?

Only 2 hours sleep again last night. My legs just wanted to keep moving, mentioned it to the doctor today - she says she doesn't think its a side effect of the citalopram but to keep an eye on it. I have a slight vitamin D deficiency so now have 2 months worth of vitamin D pills to take, she also increased the strength of the citalopram. Checked with the pharmacist and he says it is ok to take nytol with the pills I'm on so am going to give that a try tonight hmm

Today hasn't been as good as yesterday - I suspect because DP has to go back to work tonight so I don't feel as safe. Although, now the dc's are settled in bed I feel marginally better. It's as though I don't trust myself to be capable of dealing with them, even though I've been doing this for 8 years and not done too badly. I have avoided leaving the house as much as possible because I seem to be worse when I'm out of my comfort zone, need to get past that by Monday or I won't be at work again angry

Another essay from me - Sorry x

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