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How can i learn to accept i will never have another baby ?

(9 Posts)
erilou38 Sun 12-Jan-14 00:43:38

I'm 38 and a year ago i was told that i was menopausal, or perimenopausal. I had suspected this for a couple of years before but really didn't want to believe it. Most women don't go through menopause before age 45, certainly not before 40. I'm still having periods but they are irregular and light and only lasting 2 days. I have 3 healthy children with a previous partner but none with my husband. He is much younger than me and has no kids of his own. I had imagined us having a child and we have been trying for 18 months. I so wanted to give him a child. I'm worried that one day he will leave me for a woman who is fertile. This thought does my head in and i get very anxious and stressed. I just feel so tired and down every day at the thought of never being able to have another child. I hate seeing pregnant women and babies and dread going out anywhere these days as these sights are everywhere. I just want one more baby! I want this pain and longing to just go away. I keep thinking i should go on anti-depressants again, i have taken them on and off over the years. But the thing is, the only thing that's depressing me is that i am going through menopause early. I didn't expect this and don't know how to handle it. This longing to hold a baby again is driving me to despair. How can i move on and get over this ?

newyearhere Sun 12-Jan-14 09:54:41

Have you seen your GP to ask about your options? They could do tests and refer you to a fertility clinic if this is something you would want to do.

erilou38 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:44:12

Hi there. Ive been under an NHS infertility clinic for a few months now and have had blood tests just before Christmas, the results revealed menopausal levels. The consultant is going to treat me with a fertility drug at the start of my next period, although the chances of it working are slim. Been told i can't get NHS funding for IVF as i already have children and i can't afford to go private. Anyway i don't think any private clinic will touch me as my blood results were so poor. This is getting me so down, i feel so empty and have no hope. My husband is great with children and i just wish i could produce one for him. When i see older women, similar age to me, with young babies i get so jealous and feel myself getting upset and angry. I just think why isn't it me! I hate being in menopause and hate being infertile and hate myself. It's become an all-consuming obsession, last night i even dreamt about my periods and how they used to be normal. I want them back! I'm too young for this.

LittleMissDisorganized Sun 12-Jan-14 15:52:47

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I think you probably need to ask for a counselling referral to try to decide whether you want to consider other methods of having a child of your own, or not, and then if not to be able to let this rest and have your peace of mind back.

In reality I guess your options are:
IVF with donor eggs
Surrogacy - again your husband's sperm plus either the surrogate's eggs or donor eggs (you said you can't afford IVF privately, however an IUI of your husband's sperm into a fertile surrogate would cost a few hundred rather than several thousands) BUT psychologically that might just be too hard for you.
Adoption (unlikely to adopt a babe-in-arms, but a toddler perhaps might be a reasonable expectation) again psychologically tough and involves dealing with Social Services which can be a nightmare.

If those are a no then the counselling would have the direct aim of coping with never having a child. I do empathise - I'm 32 and married to a man with children who are now just adults. We won't be having children but I go through phases of feeling broody and sad, as well as times of being very grateful for what I've got. Counselling helped me a great deal.

Happiestinwellybobs Sun 12-Jan-14 15:58:24

I am not in exactly the same position as you but at 32 was told I was peri-menopausal, with no chance of ever having a child. I was devastated. I was desperate for a child, could not cope with seeing pregnant women everywhere, every woman at work falling pregnant (it seemed) and the most fertile sister ever. But the strongest feeling was one of guilt and sadness for my husband. I told him straight out that if he wanted to leave me in order to have a child of his own, that I would understand. He didn't. He was desperate for a child, but loved me more (I think smile )

I felt the same as you. I was meant to be a young woman in the prime of her life, not going through this. The only thing that helped for me was time, and in my particular circumstances adoption. I appreciate that you want your husband to have his own biological child. I did too. But what actually mattered in the end was us having our own family, and biology didnt matter a jot.

Talk to your husband (if you haven't already) about how you feel. What about counselling? Don't give up hope yet, but if you do decide to draw a line with regards to fertility treatment (or like me, get told its a no-go) you need time to grieve for the child that you aren't able to have. Speak with your GP if you need help with the menopause or the depression. It is hard flowers

erilou38 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:25:17

Thank you ladies for your kind words. As you said, i really do think i need some sort of counselling to come to terms with this. We won't be able to have any kind of IVF, egg donation or otherwise as we just couldn't afford it. So i have to draw a line under this now. I guess time will heal xx

erilou38 Sun 12-Jan-14 23:04:01

Just found out my friend who is 39 is pregnant, i'm so pissed off and upset!!!!

LittleMissDisorganized Mon 13-Jan-14 12:04:31

You CAN get to the place where you will be genuinely glad for your friends. I get a bit weepy but better than I was and helped by a friend who has spent many years trying with an early menopause finally adopt recently - but even before then she could be delighted for others. That seemed a much better way than battling it which is why I started to bring it up in counselling.
I hope today is much better for you. xx

Happiestinwellybobs Mon 13-Jan-14 17:09:47

I agree. I work in HR so am the contact for all the pregnant woman to tell us they're pregnant. For about 5 years (when things were at their worst for us) I had to smile, be excited and thrilled for them. And I was happy for them, but it didn't mean that I didn't want to scream inside. When my sister told me both times I cried for 2 days. When employees brought their babies into the office, I made myself scarce. Once finding myself crying in the loo, only for another woman to be doing the same.

But there came a point before we adopted when actually I didn't want to scream at how unfair it was. It worked its way out of my system.

The other issue is how sensitive people are to your situation. Some were, some not so much. Even my DSis who was good about the whole thing casually dropped it into conversation about how she had got pregnant the first month, and then again without even trying!

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