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i keep denying its depression... dontknow what elsei want it to be really?

(25 Posts)
mouses Sat 11-Jan-14 23:52:58

hi all, I use to post here loads but have taken a break. but I feel abit wobbly and after texting my boyfriend with no reply - I can do with an ear might help?

background... ive suffered low self esteem, confidence, anxiety, prob more I just cant think right now since a child its all i remember really, feel like a lost cause.

my gp knows all about me said its depression, put me on fluoxetine, diazepam - year and half later says there's more to it... sent me to counsellor/psychologist, she said bi-polar then said I need more help then she can give. gp refers me to psychiatrist who says not bi-polar and is going on possible clinical depression? aint heard nothing since for a couple of months...

I cant handle nothing, going out, staying in, my patience with my kids is non exsitant to the point some times I feel like I don't want them. i know its not me, well i hope its the curse of the mind? im very confused.

i don't know why i wont accept depression, when i say to people im depressed feel pathetic (sorry i don't mean to offend just trying to explain)i feel like i have nothing to be depressed about, that theres people fighting cancer etc... i try to tell myself to get a grip. most people who haven't experienced just understand how power and life destroying it can be. yet even tho i know myself im ashamed.

i go high and low, mad and sane, im like the hulk. fear getting stressed cos i don't handle it well. i took diazepam earlier but im still sat crying typing this?

thedyingswan Sun 12-Jan-14 08:00:52

I keep denying I am ill because I want to be healthy, act like a healthy person does. This comes with the cost. The depression changes itself to a pain that is almost physical.

working9while5 Sun 12-Jan-14 09:55:54

It's a hard label because everyone thinks they understand it and few do. Even huge differences between people who have diagnoses. My sister and I both have it but we are chalk and cheese in terms of how it presents.

Labels are shit. What you desperately want is to be free of it, whatever it's called. I accept I have it but I resent people thinking they know who I am or what it's about when they're clueless about my personal circumstances so apart from with my trusted therapist and occ health I just avoid labelling myself as depressed or thinking much about it.

newyearhere Sun 12-Jan-14 09:57:04

Depression is an illness, it's nothing to be ashamed of any more than any other illness. Things can take a long time in the NHS. I would suggest asking your GP to find out what's next for you, as you haven't heard anything for a couple of months.

mouses Sun 12-Jan-14 14:48:49

i know i have issues with almost everything, i hate the label ''depression'' when i say ashamed it because its nothing on life threatening conditions - even though i know it CAN take your life... as i think about it most days. i feel my brain contradicts itself?

i know how awful it is and wouldn't wish it on any one.

my counsellor said i almost sound and act like a selfish brat when i feeling upbeat and spend loads and MUST have it mode! that the dead people i see (yes dead people/bodies since i was young) is just imaginary friends hmm and the voices telling me that im useless and coward so just die! is just my own thoughts?

ive not had the best support from my gp, counsellor or psychiatrist. ive given up on them. i just needed to let it out and at least people on here would get me, i hope?

thedyingswan Sun 12-Jan-14 15:02:12

What do you think your diagnosis is?

I thought I had borderline and was pretty surprised when I was told I have bipolar.

newyearhere Sun 12-Jan-14 15:12:10

Sorry to hear you haven't found the medical professionals supportive so far. Are you still on Fluoxetine and does/did it help? You could certainly ask to see a different GP, as there's nothing to say you always have to see the same one; and ask to see a different counsellor. Also a review of your medication if you're still having problems.

LittleMissDisorganized Sun 12-Jan-14 16:01:24

Hi mouses

Yes there are people who do get it. How old are the children? Are any professionals involved with them?

I have been in very bleak places too. It sounds like you could do with someone like an advocate to see the health professionals with you? So that you understand why you have the symptoms you do, and what if anything you could do to help yourself improve. There are also different medications that can be tried, which might help better. I would really avoid diazepam as it's extremely addictive and ultimately is likely to do you more harm than good.

Have you ever been in touch with MIND? My local mind has loads of courses eg on assertiveness, or mindfulness, or understanding the various conditions, and people to talk to and loads of stuff to get involved with.

There are also families groups that you could be referred to that do group therapy - there might be something different near you.

Would you consider church groups? They might be able to help you.

Wishing you much happier times.

mouses Sun 12-Jan-14 16:30:48

i think its either borderline or bi-polar but know how much the professionals hate us diagnosing ourselves and try to prove us wrong.

the fluoxetine took the edge off things but i still had days where i was so raged i felt i was a danger to myself and others.

my gp is nice, however - took over a year for her too realise how bad i was before she passed me onto the psychiatrist, she is the 'other' gp the one before was useless.

my kids are 12, 9 & 3.5. my eldest gets upset over the slightest thing, middle is aggressive and my little one is too scared to upset me! probably me rubbing off on them.

ive had homestart, assertiveness course, 6 parenting classes, recovery star with mind. ive been offered courses at mind but they don't have a crèche, my DD is at school for 2.5hrs which dont give me time to get to any of them. i have no child care options at all. what is church group?

i don't take the diazepam often, ive prob taken 4 in 3-4months. i wasn't allowed to change meds until id seen the psychiatrist - who then said he keep me on fluoxetine but up it to 40mg. haven't heard a word from him since November.
i ran out of my normal level fluoxetine about 4wks ago but haven't been to get any more cos i just given up now, they don't make me feel better i feel a failure every time i have to pop one... reminds me im mental.

thanks for talking, its nice to have some one understand. x

newyearhere Sun 12-Jan-14 19:15:27

If you stopped your fluoxetine suddenly then this may well be affecting how you feel. It may be that the lower dose of Fluoxetine isn't effective enough for you, but it's possible 40mg could help you more, so it's worth at least giving it a try for a few months, before deciding for or against it. Did the psychiatrist actually give you a prescription or did he assume you'd get this from the GP? You're not a "failure", you're just unlucky enough to have these problems. How about phoning the GP surgery to request the new dose of medication?

LastingLight Sun 12-Jan-14 19:34:43

From the little bit you've described you sound bipolar. What your counselor calls "selfish brat" seems like a manic episode. Would seeing a different psychiatrist for a second opinion be an option? Did you describe all your symptoms to the psychiatrist?

Have look here: www.psycheducation.org/notes.htm and see if this resonates with you at all. The website isn't organised very well but the information is well worth reading.

newyearhere Sun 12-Jan-14 19:38:45

I don't know a lot about bipolar, so maybe someone can let me know if this is correct, but if bipolar is a strong possibility wouldn't it make sense to try the relevant medication (Lithium?) to see if it helps?

LastingLight Sun 12-Jan-14 19:51:56

Sorry, rather use this link: www.psycheducation.org/

newyearhere, Lithium is a mood stabilisers and there are other similar meds with less side effects that should be tried first.

newyearhere Sun 12-Jan-14 19:58:50

Thanks LastingLight for clarifying smile

mouses Sun 12-Jan-14 22:30:17

newyearhere it really wasn't doing much for me anyway, i felt the same on it and off it. ive really tried telling them all its either bipolar or borderline but they aint having it. the psychiatrist says it clinical depression and i need t retrain my thought and personality? hmm

he didn't hand me anything just said he'd be in touch.... i waited about 6mths to see him. i explained every little symptom, he says the spending an high is just trying to cover up and keep myself busy? that all is stemed from a bad childhood....but its all i remember when i was young, sad, lonely, abit hyper then sad, wanting to be alone, steal from my mum, shops. not making friends easy. so much more. its like i grew up with it? sounds silly, but it wasnt until i had kids and had to cope independently, seeing how other people act it realised i was different.

my moods are so unpredictable, i don't even know myself if im going to be ok? i lose my temper so bad, my poor kids - all they are going to remember is their mum shouting, never taking them any where, never letting any one in to play. wasted childhood.

sorry just pitying myself now, thankyou all for being their to talk to. it means a lot x

SilverStars Sun 12-Jan-14 22:37:55

Hi if it is clinical depression then anti depressants are really helpful for more serious bouts of depression, less useful for milder bouts. If you saw psych in Nov for medication and you ran out 4 weeks ago then it sounds like you did not give the fluoxetine much time to work. A few months would be more accurate to see if it has benefits than the few weeks you took it. Why not book apt with a dr and get new prescription for it? I agree if classed as mild depression it may not be of any use, but if your clinical depression is more severe and affecting you then trying it for longer may help.

As you have a 3 yr old you can ask your HV for more support, tell them what the psych said but how you not taken medication and about your moods and shouting. Sometime a HV involvement can get you more support. It is another voice. You can still access home start as well if that would help.

Psychiatrists do not generally see patients more than every 3-6 months as they need to see how a medication works over time before increasing or changing it. You can see your gp and ask if they had a letter from the psych - and I assume if they want to see you again they will post you an appointment letter a few weeks before the appointment, which is usual practise.

newyearhere Sun 12-Jan-14 22:46:27

> i need t retrain my thought and personality

That's one view, and talking therapies do work for some people, though not everyone.

If you think it could help you to see a different counsellor/psychologist, you could explain to your GP that you'd like to see someone else. You could also ask for a second opinion from a different psychiatrist.

Good luck and please keep us updated.

mouses Sun 12-Jan-14 22:57:04

hi silverstars, sorry ive not worded right. im not very good at expressing correctly. ive been on fluoxetine coming up 3yrs, took a year for my gp to 'get me' kept saying i need counselling -i told her i feel its more than plain 'depression' she agreed.

she refered me to the assessment team - who said just bad childhood need counselling hmm i refused they walked out with out an appointment to see a psychiatrist... i got sent to counselling while i waited. she said its bi-polar. then saw psychiatrist in nov who said not bipolar more like clinical depression. to me i felt like i was back to square 1! :-(

homestart wasn't very helpful for me.

mouses Sun 12-Jan-14 23:04:41

newyear, the only other counsellor is over an hour away from me, its impossible for me to get childcare, i don't have no one. the psych is not too far but i had to get my dd's dad to have all my kids so i can make the appointment which i cant do all the time as he has an important role in his job.

i don't mind trying talking therapy but for the right reason, not because ive been labelled depressed which i just dont believe it is.

SilverStars Sun 12-Jan-14 23:09:46

Hey no need to apologise I probably did not read it right either.

Do not knock being told it is clinical depression though. It can be totally debilitating if it is severe. You do not need another or different label to show you are suffering!! And if they thought you needed counselling and referred you that is good, as shows they believe you.

Only a psychiatrist can diagnose bipolar not a counsellor. Not a psychologist officially. Just the psychiatrists as they have medical degrees. They listen to what other people write in their reports about you as well.

You are not back to square one though. You have been acknowledged as having a clinical depression that needs treatment. People with milder MH issues do not get issued with medication - the usual protocol is the watch and wait. Then short term talking treatment. Then medication. The fact you seen a psychiatrist means you can ask to see them again if your gp cannot manage your medication.

Would you consider trying the higher dose fluoxetine? Medications have different functions at different doses. If you try it and it does not show to have an impact after regularly taking it for x amount of months then a dr can move you onto another tier of medication such as mirtazapine or duloxetine or escitalopram etc. they all work differently and it can take time to see which one works.

Usually medication is not given for personality disorders unless there is an underlying depression etc.

mouses Sun 12-Jan-14 23:33:49

i don't mean to sound like im knocking it, i know how diliberating any mental health illness can be. when trying to understand myself, my behaviour, it always came back as either bipolar or bpd.

my psychologist didnt diagnose bipolar she said theres a good possibility it is and to read up on it (which i already had)

ok, maybe i will see my gp for higher dose.

you know i would just like to go about my day, without knowing i have to take that damn pill to keep me on the straight and narrow. be like others that can hug their kids, play with and enjoy them. want to go out, have fun, have interest. be interested.

my 12yr old can hold a better conversation then me, i feel really thick! un-educated, its awful. :-(

thedyingswan Mon 13-Jan-14 10:53:13

Have you ever visited your gp while high? Difficult I know, because you think you are fine then. Do you have a cpn, who could see and follow your moods?

CraftyBuddhist Mon 13-Jan-14 12:21:17

Hi op. you sound like you've had such a horrible time. sad.

What really screams out from your posts is how hard you are being on yourself. You have put yourself down.

Op it must be very hard for you at the moment to try to seek a resolution of how you're feeling and how you are living. Sometimes diagnoses or labels can be welcomed by an individual yet for others they are almost a barrier or a badge of shame- yet another negative we can pin our failures onto.

From what you have posted you certainly sound like you have low self esteem. That is fundamentally stopping you from being kind to yourself. You deserve some compassion.

Take a look at mindfulness and compassion based cognitive therapy?

mouses Mon 13-Jan-14 15:24:24

i mainly see my gp when my boyfriend marches me down there! mainly when im low, i saw my psychologist while was feeling high - i had a spree in buying Victorian furnishing for my home. she just said im putting my family in debt so stop! (yes i know thats why im here hmm )

i don't know if its some form of rapid cycles cos i get these spending highs were i have an idea for a project, buy the materials in a zone where nothing can stop me. then i realise i don't need it or i loose interest in a heartbeat. get down, then another idea springs to mind... off i go to research what i need :-(

craftybuddist thanks for your kind words, i will look into mindfulness. x

SilverStars Mon 13-Jan-14 22:57:47

Hi bipolar is treated by medication as well so if you at a later date get diagnosed with it you will need the medication. For people with bipolar it is often the medication that realy helps equal out the highs and lows. So starting taking the AD's as prescribed would be a good start if you can take them. Hopefully they will help with the lows at least.

Agree seeing your gp when you think you are high is a good idea.

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