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Don't really have anyone to talk to - v depressed and feel isolated

(15 Posts)
octanegirl Fri 13-Dec-13 21:00:01

On the face of it I "shouldn't" be depressed. I have a lovely baby son, a man who loves me etc etc.

However I feel very low and isolated. Since having my DS my non baby-owning friends have gradually disappeared, and invitations to things have 100% dried up (no exaggeration). My previous closest friend turned out to have been saying some very hurtful things about me, and my other friends are either miles away or not really very interested any more.
I don't really have any friends nearby (I live in the country) and people say I will meet people when DS starts school - but that's several years away yet!

Nothing really energises me any more and I find it hard to summon any enthusiasm. Things that used to make me really excited don't, and I am no longer the outgoing, banter loving self I used to be.
I am constantly cross with my sweet but very absent minded DP, who is lovely but a bit useless at general life/emotions ( I sometimes wonder if is on the autistic spectrum), but a very good and hands-on father when he is home (weekends). I get really frustrated with him over very small things (like leaving wet towels on the bed and letting DS play with medicine bottles).

I can't see any way of the situation improving, which only makes me more depressed.

I no longer have any close friends and I don't really want to talk to family about this....

ksrwr Fri 13-Dec-13 21:42:11

Hi, I'm sad to hear you're feeling like that, and I wonder if this feeling can sometimes be a right of passege almost, when you're at home with a young baby. I felt very similar to this when my dd was born, and I stayed home from work with her for 6 months, then I had to go back to work, I couldn't do it any more. Do you think something like work, or something that requires brainpower could help?

purplemurple1 Fri 13-Dec-13 21:51:31

Hi

Sorry to hear you are finding things hard. How old is your little girl? Have you been feeling low since she wasborn? Do you manage to get out each day with her? I like to take ds out for a short walk each day as I don't fancy mother and baby groups.

What did you work as before you had her - could you go back part time - a little adult conversation can do wonders for improving your mood I find.

As does sleep - is you du pulling his weight so you ate getting some sleep and daytime to yourself to let your head unwind?

Do talk to us - Lo're of sympathetic ears here!

mumaa Fri 13-Dec-13 21:53:15

So sorry you are feeling this way.

Afraid I don't really have any 'advice' other than to say I can understand how you feel. I am fortunate enough to receive invitations out, however they are diminishing, I am a SAHM & DH works every weekend so we need to watch money and if i do go out with friends at weekend i have DD to deal with next day as DH working, so this can mean i leave early to get some sleep before 6am wake up call from DD. None of my friends have children, some 'get it' others don't, the last invite i got was to a dinner, on the group email it said "no one is to be boring and drive" i was the only one who drove last time so was clearly aimed at me.

Its hard when you become a mum, you, yourself haven't changed but your circumstances have. Its not that you don't want to do certain things, but maybe you cant because your DC comes first. Being a mum, when others in your life aren't can be a lonely time, they don't understand what you are going through and it is difficult to talk about, you feel you should be full of the joys but often, being at home with your DC gives you lots of time, sometimes too much time to think and dwell.

you will be irritated with DP because he is closest to you and without the break of getting to see friends and get out of the house,away from the 'day job' for a little while, mild irritants can become major annoyances.

are there any parent and child groups nearby you can go to? It might help,to be around others in the same boat from a parenting perspective. Or might there be a fitness class or similar you could join, mayne once a week, to get out of the house, can be a good way to make friends. I'm sorry your friends have let you down, that is very hard, especially when your life has gone through such a massive change.

purplemurple1 Fri 13-Dec-13 21:54:47

So sorry - I mean your little boy - mines in the 4 month sleep regression, guess I'm more tired than I thought!

octanegirl Fri 13-Dec-13 22:06:19

I do work, I'm self employed so I can't blame any of my feelings on boredom. I'm lucky enough to work from home, but the flip side is that I don't see anyone all week - just the girl that works for me.
My boy is 11 months. He's the most adorable thing ever but has totally removed any spontaneity from my life.
He sleeps really well so I'm not tired, and I was feeling very happy up until a few months ago....
Is it ridiculous to say that the news is making me depressed too? All these women killing their babies in the Daily Mail, and ponies being drowned by yobs..makes me thing humans are just plain evil and saddens me even more.

purplemurple1 Fri 13-Dec-13 22:21:44

I'm also self employed often working from home - it can be boring and lonely.

Given he is almost one -could you go away for a few days and let your dp get on with it? Maybe spend some time with a close friend or sister.

What did you like doing pre ds? Have you found him getting mobile has made it harder for you to get out and/olefins time ro fit everything in?

purplemurple1 Fri 13-Dec-13 22:35:35

And / or find time to fit everything in.

octanegirl Fri 13-Dec-13 23:01:44

Most of my activities were outdoorsy things (shooting clays, riding horses) neither of which is very compatible with babies...
I'd really miss DS if I went away, and be constantly worried that DP was letting him play with knives/drink bleach etc. DP gets into a "zone" when he's working and the apocalypse could happen and he wouldn't notice.

purplemurple1 Fri 13-Dec-13 23:21:20

Could you do outdoor walks with dp holding ds in a backpack seat. Get ds ear defenders and go air rifle shooting or maybe a bird rifle if you have or can borrow one.

If you like physical activities could you go swimming as a family?

Could someone from one of your families have ds for a night so you go out?

Do you think you are depressed (pnd) - it can hit later on.

Is your dp afunctioning adult who works - yes - then he is capable - I'd work on building his confidence and your confidence of leaving him to cope.

HoopHopes Fri 13-Dec-13 23:31:08

Hi,
The change in life after a child is for some people a real shock. Friends and social life change or cease and it can be really hard to adapt and change. I have the same issue and know the isolation and lack of support or adult contact is hard and causes a lot of my issues.

Could you tell your partner the change since having ds is quite hard and talk about it? Doing baby activities and groups is one way to get to know people but even if just superficial chat it can sometime help? Some activities, like baby football etc are even on a Sat. Or library groups, whatever is nearest to you. Churches often have things on ESP near Christmas, lots of non religious people go just to meet others - might be worth a look at least?

HoopHopes Fri 13-Dec-13 23:31:57

Oh, things like your outdoor activities - could you look at doing one occasionally whilst dp has your ds?

fruitandnutti Sat 14-Dec-13 04:58:38

I can see that it must be difficult having such a young child and the invitations drying up - I hope you are not taking the lack of invitations personally - they may well just be jealous that you have a child and a loving partner.

It does sound like you are very isolated - in the country, partner who is not v good at emotions, remote / fading friends, so I think its fairly understandable that you would be depressed especially when you are working from home which makes life even earlier, so please don't be too hard on yourself. Are you able to work outside of the house - e.g. is there a local library, pub or café you could work from? at least it would get you out of the house.

are you any medication? seen your gp? even if you could see your GP weekly for a chat, that might really and she may well be able to give you some good suggestions on what to do, e.g. local groups etc.

how many people live near you? could you put a sign in your local newsagents window advertising for mum friends for coffee mornings? (realize though that you are working, so may be difficult to find time for this in the working day, but maybe at the weekends).

best of luck and don't be too hard on yourself.

octanegirl Sat 14-Dec-13 09:41:11

Thank you all for the support - I will try and talk to DP and might also make an appointment with my GP.
That's a really good idea about working outside of the house - I will try that once a week and see how it goes.

CrabbyChristmasBottom Sat 14-Dec-13 09:57:20

Are there any toddler groups near you? It's great socialisation for your child and you! I moved when DD was 8 months old and was a single mother. I met some lovely people at toddler groups, some of whom I'm still in touch with now, a decade on. It took a while, as I'm not someone who approaches others, generally, although I'm happy to chat if someone speaks to me, but it's easy to get chatting to people if you say something nice about their child. wink

Also, consider activites that have a creche, like gyms or classes. My local college had a creche so I was able to do a daytime class. It's really isolating, having a young baby, but it does pass and things will get better, promise.

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