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Help! Is this depression?

(24 Posts)
AuntieFanny Mon 09-Dec-13 08:58:08

DH and I have had a really difficult couple of years, mainly due to finances and the effects of the recession.

I've been coping okay, still managing to stay fairly positive and upbeat about life, although some days have been hard. But we have a strong marriage and DH is my touchstone, and that's always carried me through.

But over the past month I've noticed I've been feeling quite panicky some of the time. It's like I get a little wave of hopelessness washing over me sad I'm getting very short tempered with our DCs and I can't seem to find it within myself to look forward to anything, even though it's nearly Xmas and I usually love this time of year. Infact I've cancelled a couple of meet ups with my friends because I just can't face it, trying to appear cheerful on the outside when I feel bad on the inside.

I seem to have disengaged from my DH too sad I can't seem to be bothered to chat to him like I usually do and I find myself trying to avoid him in the house, for example spending time doing chores when normally I'd be wanting to sit with him on the sofa. It doesn't help that he's feeling quite low and demotivated too, because of trouble at work etc.

Is this depression, or am I just fed up? And if I go and see my GP and they prescribe me anti-depressants how will they make me feel?

CeQueLEnfer Mon 09-Dec-13 09:00:30

You sound very stressed. I would be wary of putting a label on it. Money worries are an absolute killer. Is there anything you can do to help your situation?

AuntieFanny Mon 09-Dec-13 09:00:36

Sorry I also wanted to ask can depression make you feel like you have stopped loving someone? At the moment I just don't feel like I love my DH anymore, and it's worrying me sick. We've been happily together for over 15 years and I can't believe something has switched the love off like you'd turn off a tap sad

Auntie depression has made me feel like I didn't love my dh any more (married 16 years) and I totally understand that feeling of can't be bothered to chat to him - very familiar. Some of that was down to some not great listening by him, but more me having no enthusiasm for anything.

Long term stress can lead to mental health problems, so in the first place I'd say be really kind to yourself - like you would treat a dear friend who was having a tough time. Get lots of sleep. Try and get some exercise even if its a walk to the shops. Moderate any alcohol and caffeine too. You could see your GP now. They don't always prescribe straight away - mine told me to do the minimum for 2 weeks, rest etc and then come back... You could ask the GP about anti-depressants. For me, made me feel a bit rough for a couple of weeks, but now Loads better. Take care.

LEMisafucker Mon 09-Dec-13 14:48:06

I could have written your OP - i think you are suffering from anxiety and this in turn causes depression, you can't cope with your feelings so you are switching them off. ADs certainly helped me. PM me please if you want any help with the money stuff - ive pretty much been through it all.

Oh and everything that colouringinqueen says, because she is lovely and wise smile

LEMisafucker Mon 09-Dec-13 14:52:19

It really varies on your GP too about the ADs, mine was happy to prescribe straight away although as is very common for people in this position it took me a couple of weeks to come to terms with needing them. They can make you feel a bit rubbish to start and you almost feel more anxious but this goes once they start to work, usually about a week - i found i didn't get this the first time i started on them and felt much better on the first few days, then needed to up my dose a bit after a while. They tend to start you on a lower dose - i take something called citalopram and it helps reset your seretonin levels which when they are low can lead to anxiety and anxiety can lead to low levels of seretonin so its a vicious circle - the ADs help to put that straight. They do not take your problems away for you but they put you in a better place to deal with them. I would suggest that you see your GP ASAP so that you are settled before xmas.

AuntieFanny Mon 09-Dec-13 14:56:37

Thank you so much for your kind words colouring smile

It makes me feel better knowing it's not just me who is going through this. And yes it feels like I don't have any enthusiasm for anything now. I just want to hide away somewhere quiet on my own.

I just feel emotionally worn out, I think because I have been battling against life for so long it's been over 3 years now.

The peculiar thing is that next spring we should start to see a few small improvements to our finances and I feel so annoyed that I've fallen at the last hurdle IYSWIM?

How long before you felt you loved your DH again?

AuntieFanny Mon 09-Dec-13 15:03:44

Thank you LEM it really helps not being the only one. I definitely do feel anxious which I really, really hate so it's like I'm switching everything off instead, but the anxiety keeps creeping through.

I still feel like I love my DCs though? It's just DH who I can't be bothered with sadly sad

I have made an appt to see my GP this Thursday. Will I still feel like 'me' though if I do take ADs? I don't want to be like a zombie sad

LEMisafucker Mon 09-Dec-13 15:05:02

That is brilliant that you have a light at the end of the tunnel - to be honest, i think that happens to lots of people, i had two breakdowns, one when i had DD and we were in terrible debt and one earlier this year, i didnt really have the breakdown until i left the job that caused it. When i first got sick i had so much to cope with, people thought i was fecking superwoman (oh i wish i was) but it was only really when the pressure was lifted that i cracked. It affected both me and DP an we nearly split up, this time around he has been a brick as he understands i am not well and can cope wth my mood swings much better. He can be an arse at times too smile I would say it took us a good few years to get on track, but we knew we wanted to.

Going to the GP will be the start, you can also ask for counselling, it helped me deal with alot of my feelings about the things that had happened/were happening.

LEMisafucker Mon 09-Dec-13 15:09:54

ha! keep cross posting - you wont feel like a zombie, it does very much depend on you what is the right AD, however they are not like the old ADs which pretty much zonked everyone out. I am on 20mg citalopram an that is the dose that most tend to maintain on. I sometimes feel tired, but who doesn't when they have children? When i was on 40mg it was too much, i wasn't so much zombiefied, i just didn't care about anything, the house could have fallen down around my ears and i would not have give a shit. 20mg takes the edge of my anxiety and Im picking myself back up again. You probably will need to be on them for about 6 months although you will notice an improvement in about two weeks.

You are most definately NOT the only one - you only have to look on this part of mnet and I can tell you that i am no longer surprised when people they meet say they are on medication - so many mums (and dads) struggling these days. I am very open about it and so many people have been in the same position. Its not about falling at the last hurdle, its about being strong for too long.

LEMisafucker Mon 09-Dec-13 15:10:38

To be honest - i am more "me" on ADs than i am off them, if that makes sense. Its the anxiety that takes me away.

AuntieFanny Mon 09-Dec-13 15:11:37

That sounds so tough LEM. DH isn't very sympathetic he just keeps saying we need to be more productive (hard when you feel so low).

I would like some counselling as I feel I have a lot of things I need to talk through which I can't talk with DH about. Mainly I think I feel very resentful for him, deep down because even though he had the best of intentions he did steer us into this financial mess (that and the recession didn't help either).

I worry that I feel very angry at him subconciously but can't talk with him about it.

AuntieFanny Mon 09-Dec-13 15:15:31

Maybe the ADs will help because how I am now certainly isn't 'me'. I'm nervous and on edge, and feel near to tears. When usually I'm Mrs Calm and In Control.

I think it's probably right that I have been too strong for too long but now I've snapped.

But it just makes me so sad that I've lost the feelings of love for DH. It makes me so empty inside sad And I really want them to come back.

LEMisafucker Mon 09-Dec-13 15:19:32

I think you could be my doppelganger!! I take it you work together on a business or you help him out with a business? which is the situation with DP and myself. Its so bloody stressful sometimes, even when things are going well, when they are not going well it is hell on earth and terrifying.

It is OK to feel angry, but how you put that across is important - so that is why counselling would be good - your GP will refer you, of course there will be a waiting list, but don't be fobbed off, insist on being referred. Once you have sorted out your anger you can present it to him, in a reasonable way, but not accusatory.

DP was totally unsympathetic last time around - to be fair i turned into psycho woman from hell blush and attacked him physically on more than one occasion. And it does wear a bit thin sometimes but its not your fault - What helped me was making DP come to the doctors with me - the doctor explained how long term stress can make you ill, not just down and miserable but ill. Once he got his head around this it made things better. I'm not going to lie, it was really shit and im pretty sure if it wasn't for DD we would have split up, but we didn't and we are stronger than ever now. Not perfect, but who is?

Hi Auntie sorry I had to dash for the school run... but good to see you're in v good hands with lem.

I also had a lot of anger directed towards my DH and working through that with a counsellor expressing some of it has helped with my feelings towards him. Tbh its still bumpy, but on a gradual upwards.

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you talk about being emotionally exhausted - that's it really and your brain needs time to recover.

Sorry busy this pm but am around this eve.... dcs beckon... take care

AuntieFanny Mon 09-Dec-13 17:31:16

LEM no we don't work together, I have my own job, but I hear little things and see bits of stuff and I worry that DH has made some silly decisions in the past few years. Okay so he's trying to turn it around now but we've been through hell and back in the meantime.

I haven't reacted in any anger instead I think I've repressed and withdrawn from the situation and from him I guess?

I couldn't express my feelings to DH because I think he would be bitterly offended and not very understanding and I just couldn't face anymore trauma at the moment.

Also I think he'd be very quick to point out that 'I' could have done more because I only work part time (he has hinted at this a few times in the past). But what he doesn't see or understand is that the stress I have been under has just made me feel unable to work more than 3 days per week. Plus we still have DCs at primary school. But even if I worked more days it would only bring in an extra couple of hundred pounds a month. But if DH was more productive he has the potential to earn so much more (he admits he hasn't been productive recently, he feels too fed up).

AuntieFanny Mon 09-Dec-13 17:33:49

colouring I really appreciate you replying. I think I need to talk to someone about how I feel. My head does need a holiday it really does.

I dream about escaping away on my own, and then returning in a few weeks time to find DH is being more productive and he's won a few new contracts and is more upbeat. I really think that would be like a magic wand? Or would it, because I have to get over all this resentment right now and I don't think that will just magically go away sad

Yes I can relate to everything in your last post! Used to dream about getting on a train and hunkering down in a hotel bed and disappearing... But you're right - the resentment would still be there. I too was unconvinced about my dh's decision-making. He was severely depressed last year - suicidal and I was also angry with him for taking 9 months before he went to the GP.... not to mention some work stuff wink I have found talking it through very helpful, and am also learning how to express my anger more healthily - not just swallowing it down as I had done.

Have you ever done yoga? I find that quite good for giving my head a break, focusing on the movements and breathing quietens my mind.

For me, withdrawing is a defence mechanism I think, though its not always the right strategy, but for me its definitely an indicator that all is not right.

Do you have anyone irl that you can be open with about how you're feeling? I confided in one friend and she was amazing, and it was really helpful. Take care.

AuntieFanny Tue 10-Dec-13 11:54:45

I think you're very wise colouring smile

I think we're quite similar in that my first coping strategy when faced with any kind of emotional stress (or any stress at all) is just to withdraw into myself and shut myself off.

As a person I'm actually very self contained, even though I'm very friendly and sociable and have a good social circle. But I like it to be on my terms and I don't appreciate anyone getting too close.

That's very good advice, I do have a good friend who actually trained as a counsellor and she's always very encouraging and supportive. I will invite her over and use her as my sounding board next week.

I feel such a lot of anger toward my DH since he revealed that he hadn't been productive for quite a long time but hadn't taken steps to deal with it, just plodded along. He refuses to even consider ADs either. Instead after our talks this last week he's going to 'fake it until he makes it' so he says. Maybe it will work?

I don't know if this is a coincidence, but on a friend's recommendation I've started taking 5-HTP these last 2 days, a high dose of 200mg a day and my mood does feel brighter and I feel calmer. I've been getting these regular little waves of anxiety and hopelessness over the last couple of weeks and apparently 5-HTP can help with that? I did feel quite low and anxious before I got out of bed this morning but I got up took another tablet and got the DCs off to school and have felt okay all morning, almost my normal self.

Sounds like a good plan with your friend. And great to hear that the htp is helping - ive read good things about it.

Hmm I can imagine the fake it til you make it is not very encouraging. Could you agree a time frame? If no improvement by... then gp?

NanaNina Wed 11-Dec-13 01:01:42

auntfanny just wanted to say (as I'm sure you already know) that you couldn't have two more helpful, empathetic and honest women as CiQ and Lem - hello you two !!

Morning Fanny and hello nana!

LEMisafucker Wed 11-Dec-13 09:42:12

Good to see you are still around nananina smile kind words xx

AF do mention to your doctor that you are taking thr 5'HTP as this,I think, can interact with certain AD's and you may need a break before starting. One good thing to know is that thete is loads of 5'HTP in chocolate ;-)

Hope you are feeling brighter today x

Hi fanny how are you doing this evening?

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