Worry Bucket Thread.

[HowlingTrap]

Its an Idea, it may work it might equally flop.
I have Depression, I had good days, ok days and bad, bad days, I have a diary which helps in a way but finding time is hard at times for some reason a computer seems easier etc, but it doesn't give feedback and sometimes I need it,
So I thought start this , see it if helps me or anyone else, anyone with any issue can type the mind rambles that aren't really coherent anywhere else, or just whinge or announce or talk about progress or lack thereof of it irl, I will be doing that a lot I feel I'm in the process of finally being treated adequately 8 years down the line , I;m waiting for blood tests to rule out thyroids etc which is necessary but urgh!
Did the NHS Depression test got 23/27.

Anyhoo, please let me know if people think this is a good Idea,

[DoctorWhom]

I like this. I have depression too. Probably started grumbling years ago but had DD two years ago and things have been really not right since. Returned to work and my confidence is shot to pieces - I'm seriously considering leaving. Except I used to love my job. So I'm not making any drastic changes just yet. But I feel a little bit lost. I started citalopram a few weeks ago but I'm not yet feeling it. I think feedback is really important too, I think this could take off.

[Milkhell]

I've had a really, really shit day. I hate my life. I love the people in my life immensely but I hate myself and hate my situation. I never thought I'd end up like this, the type of person with serious mental health problems who is a disappointment and burden to my children, husband and mother but I am. I can't believe how badly things have turned out and I can't see a way out. Helps to get it out.

[HowlingTrap]

I'm glad people see it as helpful, I can relate I do think having kids shoots your confidence, maybe because mum = frumpy in most people eyes? dunno.

I'm sorry to hear that Mikhell, I relate to how ur feeling, I feel like that too at times.

[DoctorWhom]

Maybe...for me I've never been a confident person. At least not until I've proved it to myself. I feel I'm doing a half-assed job of both my jobs, which just self-perpetuates into further crappy confidence.

[HowlingTrap]

But look at it this way , your a mum and managing 2 jobs? thats really good.

I'm so tired oif waiting , gotta wait till end of the month such a pain in the arse :(

[HowlingTrap]

A question? does any of your depression make you feel physically Ill?

[DoctorWhom]

Don't think so...I feel more tired than I should given how much sleep I get - albeit disturbed.

I can't believe you're having to wait so long for tests - is there not a walk-in service at your local hospital? They can usually be done same day.

[HowlingTrap]

Hmm , when I was on implant,mirena etc I'm intolerant to hormonal contraception, had loadsa tests for anaemia etc nothing , but I feel very similar

run down, lethargic, just very ill much more than usual I have heard thats a symptom of Depression.

[thesnowmanrocks]

Can I join? Had depression on and of since I was 10, (I had a nervous breakdown) I'm 32 now! Been with me always it seems. This last week it's all gone down hill yet again!

Had another shit day, then too top it off I had a go at step dad as he was making a joke of the young girls in news today who were raped by other boys? Or something? I was abused by my cousin when I was 7-8. I said if he had ever been raped you wouldn't joke. He said they wre asking for it. So I said you tell that to my 7-8yr old self. He said that was different.

Well, I prob did fly off hadle. That's me if I'm down, it's like all my hurt and anger comes out for whatever happens to have pissed me off! I know it's wrong but it's like I've been hurt by those closest to me and then I do it to them.

I hate myself, how can I expect anyone to like me? If I don't even like me. Never have I think?! Why does this shity depression have to bite you on the arse when you least expect. My life always seems to be shit after shit (excluding my dc, they are the only ones that can make me smile.)

[ijustwant8hours]

I feel physically ill. I ache, everything is heavy. It feels like someone is squeezing my head and my chest and i feel naseous.

I also have pins and needles in my fingers and, very oddly, lips. I have the fidgets as well, can't keep my hands still.

I have to go out tonight to help make decorations, I am steeling myself now. I have to make myself go and make myself smiley and 'normal'.

I had an underactive thyroid a few years ago after ds and it was really very like depression btw, definitely worth the blood tests

[fuzzpig]

I'll join! I have a 3 positive things thread going too but it'd be good to talk about worries here. Thank you

[HowlingTrap]

Of course anyone can Join :)

I can't imagine what that must be like snowman, I think with the older generation I'm afraid you have to accept their too old to change, and be grateful newer generations are better informed. Not that its much of a consolation.

Hmm , I'm still having them panicking though need someone to have kids, and can't find my mobile !!!!

[pinklady1107]

I'll join if I may - on a bad day for various reasons. Upstairs lying on my bed just want to cry

[thesnowmanrocks]

Thankyou howlingtrap, never really thought of it like that.

Just had had a shower as ds5 awoke me as usuall. Got a stinking cold, and feel like sleeping for 100 years!
Never mind, I have to just get on and cope as "normal"!

It's my 6th wedding anniversary today. Been together 11yrs. I don't feel happy or looking forward to the day. I shall be lucky if Dh gets me a card!
Doubt we shall even do anything as everything costs. Tbh I don't even feel like going for a nice walk with him (as it's free!). Just want to drop ds at school and come straight back home.

I feel safer at home, then it's only my crap to deal with and no one else can interact with me. When I feel like this I just want to be on my own and not talk to anyone. It's like I just go inwards. Oh I don't know, I'm just rambling.

I hope you all have a better day today (there's always hope!) or a positive day and I'm sure we shall all come out the other side at some point however long that maybe.

[thesnowmanrocks]

Meant to give everyone and to start our day with!

[HowlingTrap]

thanks snowman
had my blood tests today, so to rule out thyroids, disbetes, anaemia cuz' I explained to the doctor my depression is essentially like a physical illness it makes me feel very ill, like I've not slept in ages.
I think that's what most people don't get, its not just 'being a bit down' it largely affects your body on a physical scale.

although I'm hope and am a bit concerned nothing bad comes back about those tests.

[HowlingTrap]

Having one of those days where I just want to crawl into bed and not face anyone, I really envy my childless friends who can do this and I can't.

My flat is fucking freezing :( urgh not a good day.

[wetwetwetfan]

Cried myself to sleep last night, after DH had a moan that i had virtually ignored him all evening.
I have only just started on sertraline 6 days ago. I have a pounding, heavy head and really disturbed sleep but my mood seems to be worse. GP assures me that this is normal but i am supposed to be at CBT counseling this afternoon and really think it would be counterproductive to go along in this negative frame of mind.
My default when things get tough is to withdraw into myself and go very quiet... DH just sees me pushing him away. I haven't got the energy to worry about his feelings as well as my own. Feel like the worlds shittiest wife..

[HowlingTrap]

Aw that must be rough, have you explained to him all the possiblew side effects, I think all you can reassure him you seeming 'off' is the meds. If he's still arsy then he's at fault not you.

[wetwetwetfan]

I think he knows its the meds making things worse..the withdrawn behaviour though is a long standing pattern. He suggested that I have been suffering with depression for a while and just not realised it. My inability to talk about what's bothering me has haunted me for a long time. Now that I reflect I know that most of the time I didn't even know what it was that I was bothered about, just a low feeling that made me withdraw even more. Things have come to a head recently when our marriage really started to fail. He moved out and then I found out he had been with someone else. I fell to pieces and seemed to have been on a downward spiral since...

Looking forward to the day that I can say 'wow...that was a rough ride, glad that's over'.

[HowlingTrap]

Oh right, been a long rough road then,

why did you take him back out of interest? without sounding critical I can't think of anything more counterproductive to getting well.

[wetwetwetfan]

Because I love him. Because he is my best friend. Because I believe my, our, marriage is worth fighting for, because our relationship was failing and I had a big part to play in that. Because I believe him when he tells me it was a mistake and he is sorry. Because I cannot imagine my life without him with me... despite what he has done (and in terms of affairs it was a few weeks of them texting/calling then one meeting for a drink which turned into sex in a car park after he had moved out)..... despite that I do feel that marriage is worth it. I am just struggling to find the energy to give it what it needs at the moment...

Maybe I am wrong to give him another chance but I feel like I have to try.

[ashamedoverthinker]

test

[ashamedoverthinker]

Im just going to type and dump this post

Well I've namechanged because I feel ashamed and embarassed by a couple of things but NOT that I have had and still do suffer mild to moderate bouts of depression and anxiety.

I worry constantly - this can tip over into anxiety.

I wish I could relax - I see others being laid back and think 'if only I could relax and enjoy life more' This is constant not when I'm feeling particularly anxcious of down

I am confident and chatty outgoing but then walk away and worry about what I said, talking too much, dwelling on things, wondering what people think about me - I hate this about myself as I seem to be self absorbed.

I never feel like I am living my life correctly but I'm not sure what I woud change - more me time maybe. I don't have a particulalry stressful life, a littel lonely of late...

I find it very difficult to let go of things. I ended a friendship, I never said my piece to 2 people. I'm ashamed I constanly bitch (to myself only) about them. I feel like loopy. I know this is bad karma. Its negative and horrible. I wish I could let go the whole thing. I see one often and it grates on me constantly. Speaking to them is not an option. I hate myself for being so horrible about this situation that I cant let go of in my head, even though I have moved on friendship wise. It has made me guarded - I dont want anymore friends.

I get angry and shout at the kids I hate hate hate myself for this.

I know I need to be more positive. I can see my attitude reflected in my DS.

So basically I feel shit about myself, as in who I am and I always feel like I'm treading water.

[Mrsfrumble]

Oh ashamedoverthinker, are you me??

I go to bed at night, full of resolve that tomorrow will be different and I'll be better at everything, and by about 9am it's obvious that it will be just the same as every other day and the knot of guilt and anxiety forms in my stomach.

I'm permanently exhausted and a crap, shouts, resentful mother. I worry that I'm fucking up my children, that my DS has ASD or emotional problems and no one can see it but me, that I'll never have the energy or courage to change.

A hug to everyone on this thread. I feel better just for having got that off my chest....