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please help me

(23 Posts)
SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 19:55:47

I have been forced to move in with my parents recently and I just overheard my mother on the phone to my auntie telling her that I self harm for attention. please help me not go mad and tell me if I'm overreacting because right now listening to her tell my auntie that I'm a robot who doesn't hug and that I hurt her feelings and that I should be happy living here and I'm never happy and I'm sitting here trying not to harm listening to her put me down but I'm struggling.

bristols Sun 17-Nov-13 19:58:56

Sleepy, I don't know the 'right' thing to say to you at the moment and I hope that someone who is much more wise comes along soon but I couldn't leave you unanswered. It sounds to me as though your mother has very little understanding of how you feel and how you react to those feelings and her comments are massively unfair. You are not over reacting. Please try not to harm yourself right now. Talk to me instead! Stop listening to your Mum and tell me how you feel if you like..?

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 20:02:52

I feel like I can never forgive her. I confronted her and asked her if she believed that and she tried passing it off as if she was talking about my brother when she clearly said it about me and then added "yeah well Jamie does it too". I'm trapped here reliant on them for everything in the middle of nowhere I can't leave or lose my job but I can't stand this anymore she is destroying me. I'm sitting in room crying trying not to let kids see me as she is still going on about how I have it so easy

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 20:10:37

she is backtracking on the phone saying mine is genuine and I should be on pills but won't whereas my brother does it for attention. how she can't understand why I'm so unhappy because I have everything and how I'm too negative

bristols Sun 17-Nov-13 20:12:00

It sounds as though she thinks you are having a really easy time of it because you are staying there. Does she help you a lot practically? Because it doesn't sound as though she is very emotionally supportive! Has she seen how much she has hurt you?

bristols Sun 17-Nov-13 20:15:12

She obviously has very little understanding of mental health if she cannot see that 'having it easy' and 'having everything' makes absolutely no difference if you are depressed. What a shame that both of her children are obviously in need of her help, support and understanding and she cannot give it.

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 20:16:20

she is very helpful practically but I don't show the grovolling level of appreciation she wants so am made to feel guilty for everything. She showered the boys earlier because I was ill in bed and I didn't thank her enough so it was another black Mark

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 20:27:19

she saw how hurt I was but is still on phone telling about her new rug. she convinced herself she didn't say what I heard.

bristols Sun 17-Nov-13 20:32:24

How sad that she isn't able to help her daughter and grandchildren for the shear love of them and not for the thanks and gratitude she's going to get? It sounds as though she doesn't want to try to understand how you are feeling. You said you don't want to be on any medication but do you have any other professional support?

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 20:37:14

no I'm in the middle of nowhere. I have no friends and I get lifts from parents to and from work. I don't want to go back on pills I feel nothing on them. I recently separated from my partner and I've got no car or place of my own. it takes an hour to walk to nearest corner Shop.

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 20:39:31

now she is telling her how I spent a lot of money getting my hair done when I got my first wages to try and feel better about how I look as I've gained a lot of weight but obviously it didn't work because I'm still a miserable cow and now just short on money I could have used for debts. she just doesn't stop sad

bristols Sun 17-Nov-13 20:45:00

Sleepy, stop listening to her. She is talking absolute rubbish. I know I sound like a stuck record but she really doesn't understand and because of that she is talking nonsense. If having your hair done made you feel better for even one minute it was worth every penny! Is staying there going to be a long term thing? How far away is the nearest GP? It might be worth a chat to see if they can offer any support, especially if you can walk there. How old are your dcs?

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 20:52:05

I need a lift to gp and back.
I tried therapy once made it worse.
I just need to be in my own place again but can't get one down here on council and don't have a job that allows for me to keep it and move out without a driving licence and childcare. all of which will take months.

bristols Sun 17-Nov-13 20:56:41

How old are your DCs? Could the health visitor be any help? You are in a really tricky situation at the moment, have you had any advice about housing? Maybe citizen's advice could give you some guidance on how to get your own place? I wish I could make it all better for you! Has your mum finished on the phone now?

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 20:56:51

7 and 8

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 20:58:32

yes step dad just came in and she went all over her version of events again making me out to be the bad guy so he will be angry at me too. I can't handle any more of this

3asAbird Sun 17-Nov-13 21:09:08

im so sorry you having bad time.

it sounds like you need to move.

if you had no job then you would get housing benefit.

maybe its wort looking at nearest large town or city.

finding place you like

applying for benefits and then once moved job hunting.

where does kids father live?could he help with school pickups.

my mum has been equally hurtful and tactless over the years.

at 14 i was very depressed, she had awful boyfreind.
She said I was too young to get depression.
I lost weight, then i tried to overdose.
nothing seemed to her care or understand she juyst used to sweep it aside like it never happened.

she used to call me greedy,lazy all sorts,.

I couldent wait to leave at 19 and dident go back.

Then in uni when offiicially diagnosed with depression she failed to support me she never talks about that time.

Im slipping again now holding it together for kids but would never look for my mum for support shes useless.

try do something tonight take mind off things.
watch a film, listen to music.

bristols Sun 17-Nov-13 21:15:11

Do you think it would be helpful to start planning your 'escape'? Perhaps it would give you something to aim for and look forward to? You would know that there was an end in sight and I wonder if that might help you deal with your mum's behaviour?

SleepyDopeyGrumpy Sun 17-Nov-13 21:15:28

I put a message on my Facebook and mum and told step dad to make me remove it so he has stormed in room and made me remove it or take away my internet. I fear what would happen if they discovered this.

bristols Sun 17-Nov-13 21:22:18

They sound really controlling and you definitely need your own space. Always make sure you log off of Mumsnet and set your password etc just in case. Sleepy, I'm really sorry but I'm going to have to go now. Maybe take 3s advice and watch a film or listen to some music. Take good care.

HoopHopes Sun 17-Nov-13 21:44:42

Must be hard for you living with family. I guess finding your own place and gaining independence would really help. I know when my parents had a sibling and child move in it was hard for them to lose their peace and quiet as well.

Can you contact CAB for advice on housing benefit for rent etc? If not already done so.

passedgo Tue 19-Nov-13 16:16:33

Hi, never mind the psychology of all this (sounds complex) but on a practical level do you earn enough money to rent somewhere for yourself?

There is a lot of support available but you have to know how to find it. A great source of information for single parents is Gingerbread. You get a telephone appointment and they will tell you what benefits etc you may be entitled to if you moved out and what you could reasonably afford.

Your parents have probably never got over the fact that two of their chldren self-harm. By keeping you with them they probably think they have control of that. It is likely that they will be very worried if you move away but you have to do it, reassure them that you will be OK.

You will be fine. www.gingerbread.org.uk/

If you feel your parents are trying to control you to an extent that it becomes restrictive and you are afraid of them, try and get yourself in contact with a refuge. Get a number and keep it handy in case they cut you off the internet.

livingzuid Tue 19-Nov-13 19:06:45

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Parents are strange beasts. We have such complex relationships with them as children and that seems to multiply when we are adults. It has taken me years to work my way free of the guilt - still doing it. They are far from perfect - it sounds like you need serious distance from yours. There is help there if you need it as others have said. But it isn't OK for anyone to make you feel the way you do. How sad that your brother is in the same position. Your mother sounds incapable of taking any responsibility for the fact that both her children are suffering - parents can find it incredibly hard to accept they have played a major role in situations such as this and is even worse when they don't have any understanding of self harm. I speak from bitter experience!

Please take care of yourself. Get some professional support - it is scary I know but worth it. There is a world of difference between therapy and expert psychiatric and psychological treatment. Can you get a cab to your gp or ask someone at work? Get a referral as soon as possible. And move somewhere you can feel unthreatened and more in control. You don't have to put up with this.

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