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So. Whar's wrong with me then.

(22 Posts)
Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 14:38:09

This will be very long, sorry.

As far back as I can remember, even my first memories as a toddler, I've always hated being the center of attention. I was constantly told off for being rude, interrupting or being cheeky when I was only trying to voice my little opinion. Told off for being silly all the time. Told off for existing.

Now it's got to the point where It's so ingrained in me to keep my gob shut that I hate giving my opinion or holding someone's attention. It terrifies me. I live in fear of offending people with my existence. I want to be invisible.

Most of the time.

When I was a teenager I was a bit nuts. I went through phases of wanting to kill myself several times. I fantasised about jumping under a train. Then I switched to sleeping around, taking drugs and generally having what I thought was the time of my life and to hell with anyone's opinion. Backwards and forwards like this for years.

When I settled down with OH and had DD (now 3) I was diagnosed with PND. fair enough. Took the meds. Got better. But now I'm having these weird cycles again.

A few weeks ago I went a bit nuts and spent a load of money that we don't have, went out getting hammered and generally being a disaster. I wanted to go out and Do Things. If anyone else was in a bad mood or didn't share my enthusiasm then they were bringing me down or spoiling my fun. This lasted a couple of weeks.

Now I'be had about 2-3 weeks of being 'normal' but I still have my social problems of wanting to be invisible which in turn is making me CRINGE about what I've done when I was 'up'. This in turn brings me down and makes me depressed. These weord phases can last from a few days to a few weeks.

It's really affecting me. Also, I sometimes get so angry that I want to scream and run and generally go ape shit, but my fear of standing out and what peopke will think stops me. So I do it in my head instead. I can physically feel myself shaking. It goes away eventually.

I don't know what's wrong with me. OH doesn't believe in MH issues. He laughed at me and said I should be on Jeremy Kyle when I was put on citalopram for PND. I don't feel like I can trust him to be supportive. I have no-one else to talk to.

In a way I'm hoping I've got some sort of awful serious problem. I don't think I could cope if I have to live with this shitty personality for the rest of my life. I'm whiny, needy and when I get a drink in me I interrupt people and shout and am generally irritating as hell. Then I can't speak to anyone the next day because I'm so embarrased.

Sorry for rambling. I just want someone to rescue me. I can't live with myself any more, I'm going to burst.

I feel a bit better for getting that out. Phew!

Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 14:41:23

Sorry for all the typos. I'm on my phone!

RantinEminor Mon 11-Nov-13 16:16:37

I can't tell you what's "wrong" with you but if you feel there is something wrong and it is making your life hard to live/manage, making you feel depressed, anxious or leading you to behave in ways which are reckless or harmful then I would recommend you go and speak to your GP.

Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 16:26:06

I've tried. I just get lost in the system as 'yet another depressed young mum' and nobody takes me seriously. I'm just being ridiculous and I need to get a grip. Sorry.

comemulledwinewithmoi Mon 11-Nov-13 16:27:47

My first thought is bi polar? Go to go and tell them what you've told us.

comemulledwinewithmoi Mon 11-Nov-13 16:30:05

Google bi polar, you can do a test online but go is way to go.

icingmyback Mon 11-Nov-13 16:34:34

i can't diagnose you but i do think you should see your gp and ask specifically for a referral to a psychiatrist. tell them about your moods and past and try to be assertive. you sound like you're feeling uncomfortable and you are entitled to help. good luck.

Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 16:44:12

I might print this out and take it with me. I clam up when I have to talk to people. Would that work? I don't have an assertive bone in my body.

KirstyJC Mon 11-Nov-13 16:46:38

I would definitely go and see the GP and ask for a referral to mental health team. I think printing this out would be a good idea - make sure you don't forget anything or be 'talked out of it' by your GP.

Good luck

I don't see Bipolar in what you describe. It sounds more like you are carrying a lot of shit from your childhood that's impacting on how you manage your life now.

Rather than meds, I'd be looking at getting a referral for CBT, for example, which can help you challenge the way you think about yourself and react to situations and help you be able to communicate more effectively so you don't have to let it all out with spending or other behaviours that make you feel good in the short term, but are harmful long term.

First stop is your GP to ask for a referral, either to a psych or for counselling. If you can have an assessment with one or the other then its a good first step.

Take a look at This page on the Mind website and see what you think.

RantinEminor Mon 11-Nov-13 16:51:58

You're not being ridiculous. Persist with the GP. If you can afford it what about getting some private counseling. It might help you to have somebody supportive/non-judgemental to unburden to, with the added bonus of their insight into what might be going on.

A friend of mine and her DH recently had some counseling through Relate and the counselor suggested her DH might have Borderline Personality Disorder. I am not saying that you have this just that sometimes a good or experienced counselor will be able to identify a potential diagnosis. My friend's DH eventually got a referral to his Community Mental Health Team went on to get treatment.

Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 17:29:38

I did go for one CBT session before. All she wanted to talk about was being bullied at school and then she said "you're an adult now, you just need to realise the bullies can't get to you anymore" then concluded that I was fine and didn't need any more sessions. I just feel like every time I reach out for help, no-one wants to listen or they don't notice how much deeper it goes. Ot's put me off. But I will try again. Thanks

Swanhilda Mon 11-Nov-13 17:53:25

You sound very switched on, and sensible to me - I wonder whether that's what the CBT therapist got...the sensible, good you agreeing with her.
I've been recently to CBT therapy, and it is mostly about building self esteem, and realising how you are worth something, not just "pulling yourself together because you should". She didn't sound like a very good CBT therapist to me, or very empathetic...

OR, what might have happened is that she made you feel bossed around again and you interpreted what she said to mean that she' didn't care or listen, rather than placing her faith in your talents.

I think you do go through a phase with CBT or any counselling process which you feel the professional just doesn't understand what you are talking about, or just that they are "talking talking talking" and aren't listening.

There is a book on Self Esteem by Melanie Fennell which shows the ways we build up a negative picture of ourselves and feel defeated at the thought of escaping. CBT is breaking negative thought patterns.

It is much harder than you might think because it is sometimes easier to just give up and accept that one can't change. But I bet you can, you sound like a person with loads to give. flowers

icingmyback Mon 11-Nov-13 17:59:33

please do try again - i have had some really amazing therapy that has totally changed my life but before i found the right therapist/approach/treatment i saw lots of professionals and i felt like you, that the professionals i saw didn't "get" me or made assumptions that i thought were wrong about me. please persevere and i'm sure you will get the help you need.

Swanhilda Mon 11-Nov-13 18:00:02

Btw, alcohol has much the same effect on me (not badly, but enough for me to notice I get gobby and ranting), but you wouldn't know it now, as I have essentially stopped drinking. All alcohol is doing is releasing the iron hold you have on yourself, to "be good" "keep quiet". You have to allow yourself to have a voice without alcohol, and learn that you are allowed to have fun without it being "the roller coaster". You can be funny you can be opinionated you can have a voice.

Is there a way you can relax and do something enjoyable which isn't about alcohol - perhaps running around with children outside even..I found that a tonic. Or talking with friends over tea. (I know it sounds mundane but it takes a while to think of other "fun" stuff to replace nights out)

Housesellerihope Mon 11-Nov-13 18:09:36

I thought "avoidant personality disorder" from what you said, and you could try taking the test here to get an idea

However nothing can substitute from getting a personalised assessment and some real help, go back, keep trying, and be sure to be clear you've had these issues long before becoming a mum.

Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 19:05:13

I did the test and here's what I got:

Paranoid 26%
Schizoid 26%
Schizotypal 58%
Antisocial 10%
Borderline 90%
Histrionic 42%
Narcissistic 10%
Avoidant 90%
Dependent 90%
Obsessive-Compulsive 10%

Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 19:12:17

However I've just read through the bipolar symptoms on the nhs website and a lot of it sounds familiar.


I'm going to have to go to the gp aren't I?

Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 19:17:40

Swanhilda you're spot on about the booze. It's really not helping. I do find myself turning to it for a bit of dutch courage and then regretting it!

Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 19:18:51

You've all been so lovely. Thank you.

LEMisafucker Mon 11-Nov-13 19:39:16

I really think that you need to see a doctor, you cannot diagnose yourself online - and that personality disorder test had me with pretty much every personality disorder listed - i thnk i may as well done heats magazines celebrity alike test tbh.

Go to your GP and explain what you have explained here and they will refer you to the apporpriate person for an assesment, then you can discuss what you would lke to happen in terms of counselling etc to help you cope wth things. You don't necessarily have a personality disorder.

Stonehaven Mon 11-Nov-13 20:48:15

I did take the test with a pinch of salt LEM. I am kind of hoping that I've got something though. I don't want it to just be 'me'. Is that awful? Do you know what I mean? I will go to the gp. DD needs her next lot of immunisations soon so I need to go in anyway.

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