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Fighting the urge to self harm

(138 Posts)
Khimaira Fri 25-Oct-13 06:48:11

It's getting harder and harder to fight it. I've been telling myself DS would get upset if he noticed and I don't want DH to find out about my 'dirty little secret' but I've put the TV on for DC's and I could hide it from them I think. I very much doubt DH would even notice. So I have no good reason not to any more but part of me knows I shouldn't start again. Can anyone give me one reason not to do it.

Khimaira Tue 29-Oct-13 12:31:10

Well, there's nothing they can do for a rib muscle is there so that would be pointless going for that! It doesn't hurt like that any more, now it's more spread all over and it's not a sharp pain (unless I pick DS) up just a dull ache unless I take a deep breath. It's not tickly or anything, I don't feel anything in my throat, I don't have a sore throat or anything like that, I just have a cough. I do cough stuff up though sometimes. Maybe I'm just strange!

ITCouldBeWorse Tue 29-Oct-13 19:24:59

I understand there is an urge to generate some endorphins, so rather than deny it, a scrub, or body brush can sort of tackle that, followed by something self caring is a way of replacing a negative habit with a positive one, but still generating the endorphin burst you need.

Sort of tricking the mind, but the mind is a strangely easy thing to trick sometimes.

Khimaira Wed 30-Oct-13 15:13:59

Ok, I shall try and bear it in mind. I've not thought about it at all today, so I can think about it a bit more objectively again. I must say I'm not totally convinced because it seems easier to me to hide a few cuts than whole patches from a scrubbing brush which would surely be more obvious.

My chest is worse today and I took all my painkillers for the day at once this morning to try and cope with DS's gym session (didn't work, typically, so I've been in pain for the rest of the day too) but still can't bring myself to call the doctor and make an appointment. I don't know I have the energy to stave off the inevitable panic attack if I do have to go. On the other hand even breathing normally is even more painful today and I have to hold myself up on the wall if I have a coughing fit. Decisions decisions... I'll probably only get laughed at anyway if I do go and be told it's a cough, wait it out.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 30-Oct-13 20:42:07

Self neglect is a variation of self harm, as I am sure you know. If you need to see the doc, it is important to go, not least to show your ds how to self care.

Btw, I meant exfoliating body scrub, rather than scrubbing brush - sort of vigorous self care, rather than making your skin sore.

Learning self care then teaching it to your ds will be a really positive thing.

ITCouldBeWorse Wed 30-Oct-13 20:43:45

And hopefully you will be told you are a bit poorly, need to rest and recover. That is a good thing, not making a fuss!? Take care

Khimaira Wed 30-Oct-13 22:00:05

Really? But what is classified as neglect? Surely I would just be taking the doctors time from someone who does need it. How do I know if I need to see the doctor? I'm having difficulty coping with the pain, but then I'm just a wimp.

What exactly do you mean by self care? Surely for that there needs to be some part of you that is worth caring about?

Rest, with a 3 and a 1 year old?!? I've been re doing the bathroom all week and haven't yet started on the weekly cleaning schedule - it has been noticed and commented upon - so that's the rest of my week planned.

So many questions, sorry!

I think a cough that pulls rib muscles and has you struggliing to breathe is definitely worth a GP visit. Have you used the online NHS symptom checker? If not, I would.

As for worth caring about - you are worth caring about. Your DH ought to get that and apparently doesn't. But I understand that sometimes it's hard to realise that so what about your small DCs needing you to be healthy to look after them?

Khimaira Thu 31-Oct-13 11:41:13

Thanks Empress, I realised that this morning. On the way back from playgroup DS walked into the road and I almost didn't manage to call him back. I called when I got home and have an appointment this afternoon. I'm scared. I did, but it told me to go to A&E which is clearly ridiculous. It seems to assume all chest pains mean a heart attack!

It works for me sometimes. Let us know how appointment goes.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 31-Oct-13 17:11:07

Self care is like putting on your oxygen mask before your DC on the aeroplane when instructed to do so! If you don't look after yourself well enough to function, then you cannot care for your DC properly.

As a non doctor, I don't know if you need a Doc or not. Neither do you! Not going when you probably need to suggests to me you need to get better at self care, honey.

Your dc will learn how to look after themselves from watching you do it, so it is very important.

However, I dislike an unwell person who is still looking after small children being reprimanded about a bathroom cleaning schedule.

Tbh, I think self care is going to be essential for you, because your Dh does not seem to be looking out for you.

Food, drink, sleep, medical care are basic human rights. Everyone deserves them

Khimaira Thu 31-Oct-13 20:55:40

It went ok, and I knew I shouldn't have gone. Felt like a right idiot. She listened to my breathing - normal. So I had bloods done and they came back slightly high. She was shocked the painkillers are doing nothing, has given me others to take alongside. She said all the symptoms indicate an inflammation of the lung so I had to have an x-Ray but that was clear so either the worst is passed or it's clear at the moment (afternoon is the time when it bothers me the least). She's given me a rather foul concoction to take to suppress the cough and has said to ride it out. So, a waste of her time.

Hang on - she said you needed more painkillers and a cough suppressant, and might have an inflammation of the lung and that was a waste of her time?

Oh and - I KNOW all this is easy for us to say. After a bloody stressful evening I ended up going into the toilet and scratching myself so I could look at the mark. Fingernail only and no broken skin... but I do know.

Seriously though, I think going to the GP was still the right thing to do.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 31-Oct-13 22:25:52

So the doctor thought your visit was worthwhile. You know it is ok to see the Doc to be told you don't need further treatment? Although in this case, you still do. You need to reframe your thinking - that was not a waste of time.

That is a good example of self care. Well done. Try to donut again tomorrow!

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 31-Oct-13 22:27:32

It is ok to see the doc to be told you are ok and do not need treatment - though in this case you do.

This is a good example of self care. Try to do it again.

ITCouldBeWorse Thu 31-Oct-13 22:28:09

Ooo see. I really meant that!

Khimaira Fri 01-Nov-13 08:08:48

Well, the doctor gets paid doesn't she! It still seems wrong though.
I've yet to take the stuff today because it says it causes drowsiness, which is not good when I've got to be alert with the two of them. It must be quite effective because it must have knocked me out last night, haven't slept so well in ages! And I didn't have any dreams, slept straight through til 5, it's a strange feeling. I've out DD down for a nap, given DS the iPad and its very tempting to take some and go back to bed but I must clean for the weekend and do the weekend shop.
Thanks for keeping me grounded (is that a word?) a bit.

Great that you got some sleep, should help in itself!

Khimaira Fri 01-Nov-13 12:24:59

So, this morning I have... Let the DC's watch Tangled whilst I got dressed and cleaned the bathroom. I even put some plasters on the cuts on my hands (not SH unless not bothering to put hand cream on counts) whilst I did so, even if it did seem like a waste of a couple of plasters. Watched the end if the film with them as they were both in cuddle mode. Folded a mountain of washing and realised I can no longer ignore the ironing pile. Put DD to sleep, lay down with DS for half an hour to see if he would nap. (No!) Built him a train track route with tunnel and repaired his other train tracks in his room. Cooked them lunch. I took the half a dose of cough concoction and some caffeine tablets. Now to take them to the park, do the shopping and come home and Hoover. Does that actually count as an acceptable day for the kids? I worry, well, I know don't do enough with them. I'd rather stay indoors all day doing nothing but that's not fair on them.

Sounds like a perfectly good day to me!

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 01-Nov-13 14:57:34

Day is fine for kids. A person recovering from illness could do with a little more rest though.

Well done for plasters - you are modelling healthy behaviour for you sons.

Good for you. Make sure you eat, drink, take your meds and get an early night smile

Khimaira Fri 01-Nov-13 16:13:59

That is an afternoon I don't want to repeat. I shout far too much sad
They've been up a little over 12 hours...3 hours left and I'm counting it down. Is that bad?

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 01-Nov-13 16:53:43

Nope. That is normal smile

That is COMPLETELY normal!

Khimaira Fri 01-Nov-13 19:34:44

grin
They are asleep, DH is out running I am eating chocolate and drinking tea. I know, I shouldn't. I am exhausted, every inch of me aches and I want to have a bath and go to bed. I'm not sure I'll chance my luck though, I had one not so long ago. DH is saying that I have been ill a month, I'm not sure its true though. They were all ill a month ago, I didn't have a chance, I thought I got it once they were better again. He wants to know why they recovered so much faster than me. He is itching to tell me its because I never do any exercise. I didn't answer because I just can't deal with a heated discussion right now. I'm more inclined to think that it's because whilst he was ill, dividing his day between the sofa/TV and computer I was looking after the kids (as per usual), taking them out so he could have some peace, I was the one up with them when they were coughing in the night etc But I'm sure this has nothing to do with it. Or does it?

Most of the time I'm too exhausted to do any exercise anyway, although I do try twice a week when they are in creche. Except this week, like when I was re doing the bathroom (which, by the way, should not have taken so long and should look better than it does) and which it seems I should have been doing simultaneously with the housework...

This medicine makes me drowsy. I'm quite tempted to neck half the bottle tonight. Seriously though, I'm a bit worried about taking it. It obviously knocked me out last night. Is it safe to take something like that when I have the kids to think about? Do you think it would make me too drowsy to get up to them if they needed me? I didn't hear a peep from them last night and that is not normal (although it does occasionally happen)

ITCouldBeWorse Fri 01-Nov-13 20:26:21

I think that your dc and h recovered quicker because they could rest and you took care of them.

Bath and early night sounds perfect.

I think it is crucial you practice self care because your h seems to view you as some kind of domestic appliance which is not meeting his expectations.

Keep going - you are doing good work. Important work. Look after you and your dc. You need to be strong and healthy for your futuressmile

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