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I am slipping ever further down the slippery slope and can not see a way out anymore

(4 Posts)
HolyMotherOfFuck Sat 05-Oct-13 09:18:34

That's it really.

Am on Citalopram 20mg and my GP told me yesterday he won't up the dosage as I am doing so well.....apart from the fact I walked in to the practice after a full blown panic attack...

This week has been a tough one and things have happened which are about to push me over the edge. Some outside of my control, the most terrible one totally my own fault sadly.

I am having a problem opening my mail. Sounds absolutely pathetic, trust me I know! For some reason "mail" has started to represent "bad news" so I have been burying my head in the sand and avoiding it like the plague. I hear the letterbox slam when mail is deposited through it and my heart rate trebles....

Now, had I pulled myself together enough to open the fucking mail, I would have found that letter from the car insurance company telling me - apparently, since I still can't open it - that my direct debit was bouncing and they had cancelled my insurance three weeks ago. Yep. Got pulled over yesterday and had my car seized due to non insurance. £300 fixed penalty fee, 6 points and more money to get my car back. Totally my own fault due to my mental state. No one else to blame here.

Tax credits have such an enormous backlog that my cla has still not been processed. ExH stopped paying maintenance 7 months ago since "he has paid enough now" and since he is foreign and lives abroad, the REMO route, although in motion, is a long winded one.

I have a new job for 20 hrs a week as realistically that is all I can cope with now. Fucking hell, I sound more pathetic by the minute here.....

Without a car I will have trouble getting DS to school and get to work on time. More fool me for living out in the sticks.

I am so very sorry for this seriously long post. And I am not even making a fucking point sad i just don't know where to go from here anymore. I can see no way out and just want to walk away from it all. Just have quiet around me, quiet in my head and to feel at peace again.

Don't worry, not going to do anything stupid - could and would not do that to DC. But fuck me, despite my powerful love for them.....it is tempting.

Have never, ever felt as alone as I do right now...sad

Funnyfishface Sat 05-Oct-13 09:39:23

Hi

So sorry you are going through such a rough time.

Can you get someone else to open your mail until you get the strength to do it yourself?
I find that once you have planted the seed in your head that something is frightening and triggering, the problem becomes so much bigger than it actually is.
So for you it may have started with one large bill that scared you to the extreme of not wanting to open another letter.

It doesn't sound stupid. For us that suffer with panic and anxiety it makes sense. We know its worry out of proportion but we can't help it.

Absolutely well done for managing your job. That is fantastic and will help you focus on something else or those hours you are there.

If you continue to struggle I would go pack and see your gp. Have you had any cbt or therapy. It is really helpful. You will challenge your negative thoughts.

Very best of luck. And you are not alone xx

HolyMotherOfFuck Sat 05-Oct-13 10:34:06

Thank you Funnyfishface for replying.
I'm almost relieved to hear my mail obsession is not as weird as I thought it to be!

I was diagnosed as having PTSD following a collapse I had in March. The PTSD due to an extremely EA marriage which is still haunting me. My GP prescribed a course of CBT but once there I was referred to a Relationship Therapist? I had 12 sessions but in all honesty, despite the fact I now understand how the EA was not MY fault and how to avoid it, my depression is still in full flow. As a matter of fact, there are more bad days than good ones lately sad

The new job (lost my old one following inability to cope with that and the depression) is indeed a wonderful thing - it makes me feel "useful" again and it is sooooo great to crank the old brain gears again doing something that requires a lot of organisation, concentration and thinking out of the box. Now all I have to do - ha! - is make that work in my personal life.

I will get there I hope. Sadly, for now it is still me staring into the abyss...

Funnyfishface Sat 05-Oct-13 10:52:56

You will definitely get there.

You have to give yourself credit for the positives that you are managing in your life. I am also guilty of not doing this. Twelve months ago I couldn't step foot out of the front door. And now am working 4 days a week in a new job after 20 years of Sahm.

Some days are totally overwhelming. People who don't suffer with anxiety/depression just do not understand the massive struggle we have.

I am also separated from my ea husband. Early days yet only 4 months.

I switched meds 10 days ago from citalopram to sertraline which has been much better for me so far.

Baby steps.... We will get there x

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