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anxiety, worry, feel all wrong inside

(28 Posts)
PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 13:31:55

I feel odd. Is this stress? Depression? Something else ? Never felt this way before not without an identified reason and way to fix it, not prolonged.

I feel tearful, wobbly pit on my stomach, I can feelings are wrong but everyttime I think I am about to grasp the reason it evades me. I am worried about everything and feel guilty but not about anything, or, about everything. It follows me in everything I do and think.

I mean things are not perfect but they have been worse in my life.

I just want to sleep and cry, it all feels do hard.

What the check is wrong?!

sicily1921 Sat 05-Oct-13 15:58:38

Oh glad you had a good time, I would looooovvve to live near the sea, one of my fave films is 'Rebecca', (the Joan Fontaine one) I want her bedroom! If you've seen it you'll know what I mean 'the sea the sea....'

I think that even though you said your mum passed a while ago it can still seem like an open wound at times. That's how it's been for me. you think you're healing then BANG something takes the dressing off and you're raw again. Perhaps go back and see them and can they refer you to anyone else more specialised?

PavlovtheCat Sat 05-Oct-13 10:43:52

WOW! Cobwebs cleared. I mean, I wish it were that easy as I got the pit of anxiety on the way home a little, and also hugely this morning. I just took myself back to the beach yesterday and it helped. I want to go again!

So. Due to my back problem, I have not been able to bodyboard or kayak or do real proper sea swimming for a long time (over two years, although dunk in the sea as much as I can). sicily yes I live near the sea, about 20 mins drive away from a beach, 5 mins or 15 mins walk to a harbour). It was rough out there! The sun was out, with a hint of grey in the distance, and the tide was turning, so the children could only be in it for a while as I couldn't hold them both. So, after they jumped and fell a few times they made sandcastles with daddy and I went out with the bodyboard and caught some waves out back! with the actual bodyboarders and surfers - 2-3ft waves! fucking awesome! At one point, the sun shone right in my face, bright autumn sun, as the surf died down a little and I bobbed with others a little out to sea, waiting for the next group of huge waves and I felt good for the first time in ages, I felt right again.

I think I now know part of the problem...I am doing nothing for me. I love my family very much, but there is nothing left for me, other than the gym, but that is more medicinal than anything (physio based) although I do enjoy it.

sicily my Gp, well both of them, are actually really good. I have gone through ups and downs and they were amazing, with my mum passing (a while ago now) they let me cry and talk, with my back problem over the last 2 years I have been in floods of tears, a lot and they have listened. And, funnily, talking here, it is helping, I don't feel like I am losing the plot so much now and it feels good to just get the words down.

And what films do I like? I am not even sure. I just don't enjoy television, films etc any more as I am always so tired and find it all a bit boring. I think I have sort of been forced into tv watching while having a bad back, it stopped being fun., But, I like psychological films, films with a twist, french romantic films, cult films that are not hollywoody. We didn't watch a film last night, we just watched tv, but we don't do that so often anymore, so we ate pizza and salad and drank some wine, after having a bubble bath.

sicily1921 Fri 04-Oct-13 19:10:24

Hello again Pavlov I am glad you have given yourself something to look forward to, do you live near the sea then? And it was good to hear about DD enjoying herself, she sounds a sweetie.

You thoughts and moods I can totally sympathise with as you sound a lot like me, generally very anxious and 'lost' at times. You sound like you have coped with/are coping with a lot and coping well on the whole but sometimes something has to give. I am not surprised you feel so horrible. Can you talk to anyone, do you manage to talk to DH much about it or anyone else. Is it communication that has broken down, I know it does with me and my DH at times. It is hard when you are both under the same pressures, you perhaps don't want to offload on each other too much? Have you got a decent GP who you could chat to? I went to my GP a few months ago, I lost my mum this year, family dynamics have altered and I was worried about my DCs 14yr and 11yr who are decent kids but do not have many friends so she referred me for counselling ( still waiting!) but I felt better just for seeing her and getting ball rolling. I also spoke to someone at the local church, they have non clerical people who are just trained to come and chat to people, not about religion in particular, anything. You sound like you could with some off loading of all the shit you have put up with recently.

I understand what you mean about worrying your children but as long as you love them they are always going to be your joy and it is good that they know that! If you do some things for yourself like the beach and the gym, any other hobbies, reading etc let them see that you are doing other stuff that makes you happy, even if sometimes you have to put on a bit of a brave face.

Blimey I have gone on a bit here, there's probably people on here with more helpful advice than me too but I wanted to post to you because I can recognise in me a lot of what you are going through.

I hope the beach trip is good. What films do you like? And aren't I nosey? winksmile

ReviewsOffers Fri 04-Oct-13 14:46:23

What a lovely Friday evening pavlov

PavlovtheCat Fri 04-Oct-13 14:42:39

I feel better just thinking of it! Swim followed by picnic dinner in front of a film and a glass of wine for the adults.

ReviewsOffers Fri 04-Oct-13 14:41:46

That sounds lovely Pavlov be sure you go and enjoy yourself smile

PavlovtheCat Fri 04-Oct-13 14:40:31

I know what will cheer me up... Beach! A swim in the sea will clear away the cobwebs and freshen my mind again, doing once I got the children from school!

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 20:53:00

sicily my DD is such a sweet natured little girl, she won't say boo to a goose and I think as things are not working out for her with a particular friend, she dwells on it too much, she is quite sensitive, gentle and too nice, so I think when there are group dynamics changing she doesn't get involved, she sort of hangs on the edge and then ends up out of the circle. I had a good chat with her this evening about her friends still being her friends and that she is fab - I listed the reasons she is fab too. Then her brother said 'i am your best friend' (he is almost 4). She went to visit a neighbour's DD for tea and was much happier when she came home.

I don't want my children to ever feel responsible for making me happy. And I know that right now they are my lifeline. I don't want that to be their problem.

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 20:49:35

thanks all.

Well, there is a lot! But, nothing worse than things have been in the past. but, I feel quite isolated really this time around.

DH has lost his job. Now that sucks but we have been here before and managed, yes it's been tough but we have not taken on debts, additional outgoings etc since he got work last time, did not move house although we really would like to, so we don't increase costs etc, so we can do it. Just feel gutted that we have to.

My job future is uncertain. I work for an organisation that the government wants run by lovely big companies like G4S/Serco so soon enough what I have worked for a long long time is going to end as I know it. But, I will still have a job, so that's not horrendous. However, I am starting to this this has/is shaken me more than I realised. It has made me question what I am really good at. And I am not even sure I am good at my job!

my relationship is not fab. this is probably inevitable as I have had a signifncant amount of time where my DH has been the carer, main provider etc as I have had serious back problems, resulting, after too long in spinal surgery in June. This should be a big positive, and it is a huge positive, but the long term damage appears to have taken it's toll somewhat.

I have been unwell for so long, that I have concentrated all my energy into keeping my job, trying to be a mum as best as I can, and I have sort of lost everything else. I go to the gym when I can, and love that, but don't do much else.

I feel stuck in a rut. But, again, that's not something that is unusual, and I have got out of my rut before. I have dealt with bereavement (mum), loss of my family ties (useless family), redundancy/unemployment, being the main breadwinner, keeping it all together. I tend to run quite well on high levels of stress, sort of in my nature.

But this rut feels different. It feels like something very major is wrong. And as I said, just as I grasp what that is, it escapes me. Sometimes, I think of all the things above and I am very positive - we will sort this out, this won't be a problem, before we know it we will be back on track, working relationship etc, but then, these feelings of guilt, upset, sadness, a big hole of emptiness engulfs me and it sort of doesn't even feel connected to all that shit. I just feel like it's all too much.

So, yes there is stuff going on, but this feels much more than all that. Like, even if those things were fixed, it's sort of all fucked. And that is making me feel so uneasy.

I don't even know if I want to fix it. I mean, I know I do, and I will, but, right now, I just want to stay in bed, with the duvet around me, snuggled and for the world to just stop messing with me.

My children. they save me from this. when I am around them I feel ok again. I read lots with DD this evening and we chatted and it all felt ok again for a little while. And then, once they were in bed, i started getting butterflies in my stomach again.

Wow, that's long. Earlier I was posting on my phone so not my normal epic self.

sicily1921 Thu 03-Oct-13 19:29:29

Hiya Pavlov so sorry to hear you having a rough time, and DD. Reassure yourself and her that you are both lovely, because I said so and I'm sure others on here back me up!!

I have felt and do feel very similar to you at times and I've had years of worrying bout my DD and friendship/lack of situations so I do sypathise. I'm sure things with DD will improve, you girls go through all sorts of stages and can be horrible. Try and do something nice or give yourselves a treat, doesn't have to be mega, anything.

Is anything in particular bothering you at home or at work to make you feel so uneasy? Have some hugs and flowers

ReviewsOffers Thu 03-Oct-13 18:26:57

Aw that is awful Pavlov.

<holds hand and fuck the begrudgers>

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 16:04:35

And to top it all off, dd is having a tough time at school, and that is making me even more upset! trying hard not to cry in front of her! She is 7, and finding her friendship circle has changed in year three and feeling left out, not helped by a flakey mother forgetting her dd was coming over p, and arranging her to go to another childs house. Her dd was quite mean to dd about it and dd has come home in tears. Her mood mirrors mine almos exactly! to the point I have had to think 'have I really not spoken about how I feel aloud.? Am I projecting somehow? ' I now feel really pissed off on her behalf. I am sure I have not projected though, but she has said 'none likes me I am full and boring, no one wants to be my friend any more'.

Shit. Nw I feel really really bad.

susanalbumparty Thu 03-Oct-13 15:05:31

That's the anxiety talking. You are not useless. You are caught in the vicious cycle which, if you do CBT in your job you will know all about. I know where you are at, everything seems hopeless and you feel that nothing can help you but you need to try and believe that there is a way through it all because there is.

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 13:59:47

Oh and along with this wrong feeling comes an overwhelming feeling but being tucking useless at pretty much everything. Not me. I normally value myself. I mean yes moments of doubt in my life from time to time, Times when I Am shit at something but not my whole self. And. I feel lost. Not me. I don't feel like I know me. Had these feelings s bit before this fear and anxiety that I have now.

ReviewsOffers Thu 03-Oct-13 13:56:06

I just know exactly how you feel and my heart goes out to you.

JudithOfThePiece Thu 03-Oct-13 13:56:01

I understand, Pavlov. It took me a long time to talk to my GP - It was like admitting to myself that I needed help and for some reason, I found that really hard. In retrospect, I can see that many, many people feel that way - but it didn't feel like that at the time.

There are a lot of other options other than meds, and IMO a good GP would explore those avenues first. So, if you're putting off seeing your dr because you don't want the meds, then perhaps you could go with the specific aim of asking what is available to you that isn't medication?

Just as some people get physically poorly through nothing more than bad luck, some of us get poorly mental health for no apparent reason, either. So don't worry yourself about 'why' you feel this way - sometimes people do. But you don't have to - there is help out there.

Take care x

ReviewsOffers Thu 03-Oct-13 13:55:20

Ah that is a pity Pavlov.

Meditation is supposed to be helpful, if you fancy that. you can get guided Mindfulness Meditations if you google. I haven't tried it but people swear by it.

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 13:54:50

CBT not chat!

Feels like feat and misery already found me!

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 13:53:22

Chat won't work for me. I do that in my job! Makes me a very bad client!

ReviewsOffers Thu 03-Oct-13 13:51:02

There are other things you can try without going down the meds route.

Do go. I really regret wasting a year of my life snarled up in fear and misery. My baby's babyhood really - I didn't enjoy it and it's gone now. Don't let it happen to you.

Fear and misery will find me when they want me I better not seek them out

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 13:50:37

It's probably Bern lingering bubbling away for a while but masked by back pain but it proper hit in the last couple of weeks lime something devastating has happened, like lost my job or house.

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 13:46:15

Thanks Judith not sure I can speak to gp yet. Don't want meds as have this year come off opiates for medical problem and those meds messed me up!

ReviewsOffers Thu 03-Oct-13 13:45:23

It sounds like anxiety to me.

I tend to suffer with it.

CBT was helpful to me.

It is a horrible feeling - I urge you to go to the doctor and start th eprocess of getting out of this pit. This is not 'normal' and you don't have to live like this

PavlovtheCat Thu 03-Oct-13 13:42:03

No I haven't, not yet. Trying to find the reason, I seem to have so many things going wrong but try to remind myself I have everything I need so other things that I can't fix are not important. Rationality says so but I don't feel rational.

JudithOfThePiece Thu 03-Oct-13 13:39:46

I know the feelings you are describing and it is a totally horrible place to be in. I would call it a mixture of anxiety and depression, but I don't think these are feelings that are easily put into boxes, so it can be hard to define and explain.

Do you think you would be able to talk to your doctor? I feel a bit silly saying that, because I have struggled to talk to my own doctor in the past and I know it can be hard to find the words. But if you start by telling them what you've said in your OP, then I think that would help. I have suffered from periods of this in the past, but last year was the worst time for me and I felt awful for so much of the year. I don't even know truly how I have started to come out of it, but I have. I tried some medication but for various reasons had to come off it, and I don't think it was very helpful for me, although it is helpful to many. Other things like Mindfulness and counselling therapies can be very helpful, too.

I'm really no expert, but I do know that feeling like that is totally and utterly rotten. I'm sure someone with more knowledge and experience than me will be along in a minute, but know this - you are not alone. Here, have a brew

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