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Adult self harming

(10 Posts)
kim147 Fri 20-Sep-13 16:13:37

I'm fighting this at the moment. I was getting intense thoughts a while ago but now these thoughts are just becoming more and more and I'm struggling not to do it. I've had some counselling and am down on a list for CBT.

It's just like I feel there is no control in my life. I have no control over decision, jobs and a lack of routine. I've got a really important conversation to have soon but I keep having no control over when to have it. I keep having interviews but no job and I rely on supply work which I have no control over. There's no chance of a relationship at the moment and another thing that is going to happen to me is out of my control when it's going to happen - or not. My life seems to be in other people's hands at the moment.

I'm just really struggling and am fighting these thoughts. Sometimes I just want to give in to them.

Mynewmoniker Fri 20-Sep-13 16:23:32

Hi Kim. Have you got a number for the local Crisis Team? If not can I encourage you to ring your GP for an appointment before the weekend.

You do have a few things on your mind and may need to talk them through with a professional to organise your thoughts.

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans Fri 20-Sep-13 16:39:53

Hi Kim

I self harmed for about 5 years and CBT was a huge help in stopping it.

Control was a big part of it for me too, but I found that instead of being something I had control of, the urge to harm, & the harming itself ended up controlling me more than anything else did. It was limiting where I could go (rooms with knives in were dangerous), what I could do (no swimming), what I could wear (no short sleeves even on hot days).

One of the things my therapist said which really helped was not to spend energy fighting the thoughts. Let them come, acknowledge them & let them go again. Her images were of being in the sea & letting a huge wave pass over you, then being back in the calm water, or of being a bus driver with shouty passengers on the back seat who could make a racket but not force you to do anything.

The other helpful thing, knowing that when the feelings came they were urging me to use my hands to harm, was to have a different way for my hands to react at that point. Instead of grabbing something sharp or digging my nails into myself, I had a couple of small squeezy balls in my pockets & dug my nails into them, as hard as I could. And gradually that became my instinctive reaction instead. I haven't harmed myself for 4 years now and when I feel frustrated about lack of control in other areas - my work contract comes to an end very soon and I'm jobhunting too - I've got that to take pride in.

I hope some of that helps and feel free to PM me.

kim147 Fri 20-Sep-13 20:03:46

It's really hard. I had a really bad period just before summer and thought I'd got past that. But it's all started again big time and it's so hard to get the thoughts out of my head. This time it's more intense and it's starting to scare me. I'm still in control but I just worry that something is going to happen.

I have an appointment with my GP next week. No one really knows how I feel and how little control I feel I have.

I am sorry you are finding things so hard.

I have self harmed on and off for the past ten years. My biggest regret in life is that I started self harming. I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but please don't go down the self harm path. It is a destructive and soul destroying cycle that only makes things worse. It complicates things and very quickly becomes something you cannot control. Empress touched on a good point, SI is incredibly limiting. It is messy, it leaves scars, it is painful long after you have done if and the moment has passed. It is very hard going through life with your meantl health issues on you body in a such a public way.

There are lots of things you can do instead of SIing. Holding ice, drawing on yourself, snapping a bobble on your wrist, using distractions like the tv or a book, getting out and about helps sometimes as well.

Do you feel you would be able to be honest with yout GP about your thoughts? There is support out there. Are you on any medication? Anti-depressants can make things feel a little clearer.

Take care of yourself.

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans Sat 21-Sep-13 10:37:16

What Fluffy said. Sometimes delaying tactics work - OK, I'll do this, this and this and then if i still want to do that I'll think about it. I've also been known to go into a room on my own and throw things. Shoes are good - fairly satisfying noise but no actual damage grin.

I thought for years that it was making me feel better. Something I had control over, a way of venting. But it never really was. Ever. And the scars have faded enough now that I don't try to cover them but they're still there. It's really, really not worth it.

kim147 Thu 03-Oct-13 15:40:17

Intensity has dropped. I've been put on some medication and I've been referred for CBT on a long list. Have also got the Mindfulness book.

My life just goes up and down and it is like I have no control over it. I have another interview next week (my 12th in 2 years) and just for once, I'd love to hear a yes.

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans Sat 05-Oct-13 10:20:00

I'm back on the job interview circuit too hmm

Good luck Kim.

kim147 Mon 07-Oct-13 15:31:29

Another rejection.

EmpressOfTheSevenOceans Tue 08-Oct-13 08:57:42

sad cake

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