Caring too much about what other people think/do

[pinkflower1]

Hi,
I have really had my confidence knocked over the past two years by people I thought were friends. I now see they are not friends, to anyone really, as they just gossip and ill wish everyone they meet, blow hot and cold etc, either love you or hate you.
I have to have contact with these people as we do same hobbies/children in same class etc.
I have now (2 years later) got over the fact I can't trust them and don't want to be friends etc. I do sometimes feel overwhelming urge to tell others not to trust them (as even now they tell me deep secrets about even their closest of friends!) but I keep my mouth shut.
I just can't help but try to analyse everything they do though. I am so caught up in trying to make sure they don't find anything out about my private life, or that I don't bump into them that's it's ruining my life.

Are there any good books to read about how to just totally let go of things like this?

I have longstanding anxiety and slight OCD issues.

[VanitasVanitatum]

I can't recommend any books but have you tried CBT? It can really help give you coping strategies for both OCD and anxiety. These women are just not worth your time or your worry, but until you sort out the underlying issues they will continue to be able to upset you.

[SvetlanaKirilenko]

Hi OP, sorry to hear about this. I am going through something similar with a group of mums at school who it turns out are not "friends" - they have said some really mean things about other women we know (and who I like!) and exclude me from nights out even though our kids are good friends. I know I can't trust them.

I know what you mean about trying to analyse what they do, but one thing to remember is that they are likely not thinking about you at all when they act as they do - i.e. it's not about you iyswim. I think some people are just more superficial (them) and some are deep thinkers (us).

No book recommendations sorry, but I would recommend you join a class or club to meet some new people, or cultivate friends with some nicer school mums. Do some things that make you feel good. Chat to someone different who isn't part of this group?

Sorry I am not more help, I wish I knew the answer to this as well

[SvetlanaKirilenko]

Yes I have also found counselling has helped me OP.

[pinkflower1]

Thank you - how do I go about CBT?

Sounds like the same people Svet, sad there are so many about!!

I do have 3 very close good friends who I can chat to, but they have problems of their own and I'm a bit of a shoulder for them at the moment. Also lots of mums at the school to say hi/have coffee with.

I am doing a degree, work part time from home and volunteer, as well as going to the gym 3-4 times a week. I'm extremely busy so I really don't know why they bother me so much! They are so lovely and bubbly and kind on the surface, that everyone loves them at first glance. But slowly you start to see what they're really like. No one has ever got to me in the way they do and I hate myself for letting them! We have some very good mutual friends though so it's difficult.

[SvetlanaKirilenko]

I think they may be the same people pinkflower

It sounds like you have a lovely life, so try to focus on that. Focus on what is good about your life. Maybe try keeping a diary? When a crappy worry comes into your head about these people, write it down, then look at it later when you're feeling calmer/more rational and brain-dump some rationality/a solution for it! I am doing this and it really is helping.

I think school gate mums/politics can take us back to the insecure feelings we had at school, at least I think that's why these women bother my mind so much. Plus recent tragedies in my life which have made me feel vulnerable.

Be lovely and kind and bubbly, siphon off the nicer ones and maintain/cultivate a friendship with them, and keep it superficial with the others. Good luck!

[VanitasVanitatum]

I think your GP should be able to refer you for it, there will be a waiting list but it's worth it :)

[HoopHopes]

For cbt you go to your gp and they can refer you for assessment and then a course. May well be a wait but why not tell your gp the issue with these not friends and how it is affecting you so they know what help you need and get the right referral.

[apples44]

I know how you feel and am having a similar problem with one mum who likes to know everyones business. She comes across initially as being lovely but eventually the gossiping and bad mouthing gets you down. I have chosen to cut myself off completely from her and she is now bad mouthing me and making me miserable. I would add this is a last resort. I have tried telling her but she wont listen. She is massively sensitive about her own feelings, which I have hurt, but couldnt care less about others. I am trying to ignore it and take the moral high ground but its taking its toll. I will give it a bit longer before I go to my gp. I do have some lovely friends who think she is unhinged!

[Sahmof3]

Pinkflower They sound like awful people. Just be civil to them but try to keep them at a distance. You don't need people like this in your life. I'm sure others will soon work out what they are like.

apples44 think your friends are right..she does sound unhinged!

Some people are just not worth worrying about. I know it's easy to say, but really life is too short and too precious to let idiots get you down.