I don't know what to do.

[charleyturtle]

Firstly I know this isn't a proper MH problem and I am sorry for those who have real issues and I am not trying to be over dramatic or compare myself to those with real problems, I just don't know where to put this or where to go in real life for support.

some background: I have a lovely baby dd and lovely dp. I am very grateful for them and I know how lucky I am to have them both. I am just finding it hard to cope right now. I suppose this all started before my dd was born, when I was younger (maybe about 8-10 years old) I would sometimes feel very overwhelmed and helpless sometimes I would feel absolutely fine for days or even months then suddenly these feelings would creep up and I would just cry for days and would withdraw from friends and family, sometimes I would cut myself. when I was in my teenage years I became obsessed with my weight and appearance and would starve myself for days, eventually people started to notice that I didn't eat so I rationed my food daily, I would split my food into "items" and allow 5 "items" a day (eg: 1 piece of bread was 1 item, 1 piece of ham was 1 item so 1 ham sandwich was 3 items). I still cut myself and withdrew from people in a more frequent way. The food thing stopped during university but I still had up and down days and began drinking a lot.

More recently: when I became pregnant with dd I was so happy. Up until just before my 12 week scan when I started feeling very detached from the situation, almost stopped caring about it completely and even contemplated suicide. This got steadily worse until around the 6th month of pregnancy when I broke down and confessed to my dp that I hated the baby and wanted to give it away because I couldn't be mother if I didn't feel any connection to her when she was inside me, how would I love her when she was here? He convinced me it would be ok and once she came along it was. I was so happy again and although I didn't feel a rush of love straight away my dp assured me that it would come.

Now I love her so much I could never be without her. But over the last few months I have found it very difficult to focus my thoughts and get frustrated very quickly, sometimes I can't even speak, I can see the words in my head I just can't get them out. I have felt so hopeless when dd is fussy and tantruming. she is very clingy to me in particular and I can't understand why she loves me so much when I feel like I can't do anything for her. I have started cutting myself again when I get angry with little things (housework, baby screaming, being fat, not having any clean socks) I love my family dearly but I feel like they would be better without my negative outbursts in their lives. Sometimes I get so sad I just want to disappear, I can't leave my family as I can't live without them. I feel like there is only one way out, but I worry how my dp would cope as a single parent.

Realistically I know that I want to get better, not end it all. But I don't know where to turn for help and in my quiet moments I feel very alone and dark thoughts creep up on me and in that moment I really have to fight against my feelings to kill myself.

Im sorry this is so long, once I started I found it hard to stop myself. I never told anybody this stuff but I felt safe as know one here really knows who I am.

[Sweetsweep]

I dont see any mention at all of you seeing your GP about all of this. Have you seem him?

[HoopHopes]

Your go and health visitor are people to confide in who can offer support and signpost you to the right services. What help would you like? If you know what you would like it is easier to ask for the right things or to get the right professional advice.

[charleyturtle]

I haven't been to my gp because i had a bad experience there before. I needed to get dds 1st jabs done, they didn't have any appointments for the week i needed so i got one for the next week. the day of the appointment i stupidly slept in late (entirely my fault i understand, i just didn't expect a 6 week old to have a lie in until 9am!) so i ended up being 15 mins late. The receptionist told me i couldn't have my appointment and that social services would have to be contacted because i my laziness and poor organisation was a risk to dds health.

I'm worried if i go to them that they will contact social services and have dd taken away from me.

I don't know what kind of help i want. I just want to be better. my dd deserves better than me. i try my hardest to be a good parent, i spend my whole day playing with her, trying different games and toys, making her healthy meals, taking her out and trying to make sure she is learning everything she needs and meeting her milestones on time. but sometimes i feel like the world is falling in on me and i cry infront of her, i feel terrible as she always comes over and gives me a cuddle and pops her dummy in my mouth. She is only 9 months old and shouldn't have to look after me. but i know if i can just get better then i can be the kind of mum she deserves.

i guess the kind of help i want is one that will be quick and discrete as i don't want anyone in real life knowing what's happening. they will think i'm an unfit parent and judge my family based on my problems and i can't put them through that.

Sorry, once again longer than it needed to be. I seem to be on one tonight.

[HoopHopes]

What an awful receptionist who was totally out of order and totally wrong. Can you imagine how many people would have to be seen by SS if everyone turned up late for a dh's appointment, that is most families!!!

So if you can ignore her!!

But why not ask your HV to talk to you. Sometimes a HV is more approachable and they have more time. Perhaps they can suggest things for you to help you and then when you feel able to go to your gp. Most gp's can refer for short term cbt or counselling if you fancy trying that. I find some self help things that work are:
Building up a few people one can go to for support and just to off load things so can de stress
Trying a good diet, fluids and exercise
Trying to be kind to me. I need to be kind and not critical to me so I can parent well!
Sleep!! Seriously. With babies sleep is lacking and more sleep equals better coping skills. If anyone offers to babysit, give you a few hours in the day take it!!
Find people who can reassure you that you doing a good enough job. That was what I was told I needed, to be a good enough parent ( by mental health professionals in my case!) a your HV can help with this. They can offer different forms of support that is open to all mums so really a good and gentle place to start.

Sorry I am waffling!!

[fluffydressinggown]

You seem like a lovely person and a fantastic Mum, you don't deserve to feel like this at all.

Hoophopes is right that you need to speak to your GP or health visitor to get some more support. They won't contact social services, so please ignore what that ignorant receptionist said to you.

A short course of CBT and/or some anti-depressants could help you feel better.

[charleyturtle]

Thank you all. I have a day off tomorrow so am going to try and get an appointment to go see my gp, also I take my daughter to a play group where there is a health visitor so I will try and speak to her.

I was just feeling so lost, I didn't even know where to go to find out how I could get help. At least now I know there is somewhere to go. Hopefully I can start feeling better soon.

Thank you all once again for your kind words.

[tgamble13]

what a dick of a receptionist defo make an appt with gp and get referred to ur local primary mental health care team. lifeline also a good resource they offer one to one sessions. also there is aware defeat depression who offer a range of services. for self help purposes try www.getselfhelp.co.uk. remember ur never alone.

[charleyturtle]

update: I chickened out of talking to the lady at baby group today. I am scared what she will think of me.

I will try and speak to my gp tomorrow.

[brettgirl2]

She will think how bloody unlucky you are to be suffering in this way instead of enjoying your baby. Pnd is extremely common and in that room were others also suffering. Good luck at the doctors. I had pnd after my first daughter, it came from nowhere and was a truly horrible time. You wouldn't have known, you would have seen me acting and faking small talk.

[HoopHopes]

You can always try next baby group. Or phone your HV and book an appointment?

[charleyturtle]

I have booked an appointment with gp for next monday (earliest they had) spoke to dp about it today aswell. He is being very supportive, thanks to you lot on here and dp I am starting to feel confide.t that things will start getting better soon. Thankyou. X